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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I hate it when I think I'm buying organic veggies, and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts !    Smiley Embarassed

 

 

 

 

MAXINE SAYS:

 

 

"I really feel for the trees this time of the year. At least when I went through 'the change' nothing fell off !    Smiley Wink

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE YOU WITHH ALL MY BUTT.....

I WOULD SAY HEART, BUT MY BUTT IS BIGGER. Heart

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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If you don't know what a clothesline is, better skip this:

 

 

 

1.  Hang the socks by the toes..NOT the top.

 

2.  Hang pants by the BOTTOM cuffs. NOT the waistband.

 

3.  Wipe down the lines before hanging any clothes.

 

4.  Hang clothes in order. 'Whites', with 'whites' etc.these get hung first.

 

5.  Always hang a shirt by the tail.

 

6.  Always wash clothes on Monday, never on the weekend.

 

7.  Hang sheets and towels on the outside lines, so you can hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.

 

8.  Even hang in sub-zero weather. Clothes will 'freeze-dry'.

 

9.  ALWAYS remove the clothespins when clothes are dry.

 

10. Each item shares a pin with the next item.

 

11. Clothes off the line before dinner. Folded, and in the basket ready to be ironed.

 

 

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Remember, as you slide down the bannister of life, there are gonna be people who are splinters in your butt....

 

Pick them out, and slide on !     Smiley Wink

 

 

 

 

 

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there , alone and silent.

 

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

 

Placing his hand on the man's he said,..  "I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in a stroller."  Heart

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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FUNNY AND TRUE CONT...

 

 

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training atheletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.

 

Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym..

 

Remember school nurses? Ours even wore a hat and everything.

 

I thought I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

 

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

 

We played "King of the Hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome ( kids liked it because it didn't sting like iodine)  and then we got our butt spanked.

 

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49. bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls an attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

 

How did we ever survive?

 

Love to all of us who shared this era; And to all who didn't, sorry for what you missed. I wouldn't trade it for anything ! 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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                                 FUNNY BUT TRUE

 

 

 

My mom used to cut chicken,chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

 

 

My mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in waxed paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

 

 

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring) no beach closures then.

 

 

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Pick on Bill cont.

 

 

 

Q.  What do OJ and Clinton have in common?

 

A.  Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

 

 

 

 

Q.  What was Cinton's last gift to Monica?

 

A.  Spot remover.

 

 

 

 

Q.  How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?

 

A.  You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

 

 

 

Q.  Why does Clinton wear boxers?

 

A.  To keep his ankles warm.

 

 

 

Q.  What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?

 

A.  Chelsea.

 

 

 

Q.  How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

 

A. His lips are moving.

 

 

 

Q.  What do you call Clinton's fly?

 

A.  U.S. Open

 

 

 

Q.  Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the her house?

 

A.  Lorena Bobbitt

 

 

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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PICK ON BILL CONT.

 

 

 

Q.    What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin?

 

A.    A girl that runs faster than the Governor.

 

 

 

Q.  Why is Clinton so interested in the Middle East?

 

A.  He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

 

 

Q.  Why did Clinton cross the road?

 

A.  To get to the intern on the other side , of course.

 

 

Q.  Why did the intern cross the road?

 

A.  To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side.

 

 

Q.  What is Clinton's favorite TV show?

 

A.  Leave It To Beaver.

 

 

Q.  What is Clinton's worst nightmare?

 

A.  An intern with braces....

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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                               LETS PICK ON BILL

 

 

Q.   What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resumé?

 

A.   "Sat on the Presidential Staff."

 

 

 

Q.   What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?

 

A.   They were both upset when Bill finished first.

 

 

 

 

Q.   What is Bill's definition of safe sex?

 

A.   When Hillary is out of town.

 

 

 

 

Q.   What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?

 

A.   "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

 

 

 

Q. How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?

 

A.  It takes a village.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Brain cells come and go...

Fat cells live forever !

 

 

 

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

 

 

I tried to be normal once.....

the worst 2 minutes of my life !

 

 

I had to give up jogging, it almost killed me.

My thighs kept rubbing togther, and set my fanny on fire!

 

 

I thought I was having a hot flash this A.M.

But I realized it was my boobs in my coffee !

 

 

Two years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die !!!

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Women are not supposed to make coffee! The Bible says so. Hebrew!
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