SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

GOTTA LOVE THESE T SHIRTS FOR SENIORS.....

i'D RATHER BE A SMART A$$ THAN A DUMB SH-- !

I HATE EVERYONE  !

AT MY AGE I'VE

SEEN IT ALL....

DONE IT ALL....

HEARD IT ALL....

I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT ALL !     

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says:

"Congress says they are looking deeper into the Bernie Madoff scandal...Well, ain't that just great ! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear, is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 TRILLION disappear !! "     

[Hal]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The economy is that bad, that CEOs have been reduced to playing miniature golf?   Well, on a lighter theme...

Never Argue with a Woman, especially if she reads

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 
 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 
 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 
 

'For reading a book,' she replies , 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 
 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 
 
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 
 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman. 
 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 
 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 
 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[BonnieC10]

I always start running in the Fall....

Not all of me, just my nose..

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Hal

 THE ECONOMY IS SOOOO BAD.........

 ( according to Maxine)

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico !!

Exxon-Mobile laid off 15 Congressmen !!

McDonalds is selling the "Quarter- Ouncer" !!

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than Chrysler and GM !!

CEO's are now playing miniature golf !

Motel Six won't leave the light on for ya anymore !!!      

[Hal]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

    
    

 
 
 
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country  lately:  Illegal immigration
 
 
COWS  
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering  around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a  cow.   

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at WalMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time...

Every day he was 5,10,15 minutes late.. but he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the company and, obviously good at demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I'm working on it"

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral....can I get you coffee, sir?"      

GOD BLESS  AMERICA  !

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it...

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker ( who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after , the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had chosen was too small for the wording. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the limited space .

For days he agonized over the dilemna, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED"                 

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says:

"The economy is so bad, Brad & Angelina have fired their nannies and are trying to learn the names of their own children."

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by JanieB

Two flies are sitting on top of a big pile of manure.... one passes gas, and the other says, "Hey man!!   C'mon, can't you see I'm trying to eat here?"    

[JanieB]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

From a friend:

Thanks to Dobhran.


And here's your joke:

You'll Get Your Quilt!

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

[BonnieC10]

For years and years they told me

Be careful of your breasts

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests...

If I had no problem when I came in

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there

It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man

Of this I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And see how THEY come out!

[Hal]

This is just too funny! This could only be true;  you simply can't
make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Kohl's  shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed
down at a dead cat in the  mall parking lot. Obviously a recenthit..
no flies, no smell.. What  business could that poor kitty have had
here?' murmured  Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'

But Ellen had  already grabbed her shopping bag and was
explaining,'I'll just put my  things in your bag, and then I'll use
this tissue.. .'

She dumped  her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue
paper to cradle  and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag
and cover  it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing  their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they  left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They  decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed
over to K  & W Cafeteria.
They went through the serving line and sat  down at a window table.
They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's  bag still on the
trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they  noticed a large woman in a
red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She  looked quickly this way
and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without  breaking stride. She
quickly walked out of their line of vision.. Kay  and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all  happened so fast that neither of them could think how to
respond.  'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of
that woman!'  Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was
building as she  thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female
thief.

Just  when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she
noticed  Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.
Following  her gaze, Kay recognized the large woman in the red
gingham shirt  with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was
brazenly pushing her  tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene  unfold:
After  leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from
theirs,  put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites  of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually
lifted the bag into her  lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side
to side, but not far  enough to notice her rapt audience three tables
over, she pulled out the  tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she  began to make a sort of gasping noise. The
noise grew. The bag slid from  her lap as she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her upper  chest. The beverage cart attendant
quickly recognized a customer in  trouble and sent the busboy to call
911, while she administered the  Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include  Ellen and Kay, who
remained  riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance  arrived. In a matter of minutes, the large woman with the
red gingham  shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a
gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the  waiting
ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last  they saw
of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind   the
ambulance doors....... ......... the Kohl's Bag perched on her
stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! AND once  in a
while...He allows us to  witness!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

[BonnieC10]

In Response to Re: RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Hello, is this the FBI"?   

"Yes, what do you want?"  

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call ,sir."

The next day the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.... they swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy, did the FBI come?"

"Yeah."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy !"        

[JanieB]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Hal

I got this one in E-mail: 

Where did grits come from?  Nobody knows.

Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists.  Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests  that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.

Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients. 

How Grits are Formed. 
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Mississippi and Alabama, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question). 

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat.

As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam.  These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children. 

Historical Grits 
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in theSinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1,000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies and were kept from the public due to their rarity.

The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemimato to her friends). 

The 10 Commandments of Grits 
I.      Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits 
II.     Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife 
III.    Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy 
IV.    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits 
V.     Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits 
VI     Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits 
VII.   Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits 
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits 
IX.    Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch 
X.     Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven


How to Eat Grits 
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1. Therefore, for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.) 

Now, begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. 

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)

Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat. 

CAJUN BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS 

May the lord bless these grits, 
May no Yankee ever get the recipe, 
May I eat grits every day while living, 
And may I die while eating grits. 
AMEN

…as for me, I like it fried and served as a slab of ‘mush’ with salt n pepper

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I'm confused, Bonnie.  Why this new web page, when the old Share A Joke Today still works?  But then, on the other hand, I'm easily confused...

Anyway, here's a rare image:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

--HalNow

 Hi Hal !     I was not aware anything from the old site still worked......   anyhow , if you're confused you've come to the right place.  LOL 

Thanks for sharing the ' rare image'  (I think).....  LOL

Here's one for you.

For his 70th Birthday, Bob decides he wants to experience jumping from an airplane. He puts on the chute, and takes the plunge...

On the way down his chute won't open and as he is fumbling with the cords he's met in mid air by a guy on his way UP !....

Bob yells, "Hey buddy, do you know anything about parachutes?"  The guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas furnaces?"    

[Hal]

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I'm confused, Bonnie.  Why this new web page, when the old Share A Joke Today still works?  But then, on the other hand, I'm easily confused...

Anyway, here's a rare image:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

--HalNow

[BonnieC10]

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mail box informing me that I can have sex at 73 !

I'm SOOOOOO happy, because I live at unit 67....

So that's not far to walk home afterwards. 

[BonnieC10]

Did you know that dolphins are so smart, that within just a few weeks in captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?   

[BonnieC10]

When you think of it, God has to be the best inventor of all time.... He took a rib from Adam and made a loud speaker...   

[BonnieC10]

                            PONDERISMS

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire??????

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal !!!

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing....

There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle???

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

If corn oil is made of from, and vegetable oil is made of vegetables, then what is baby oil made from??

[BonnieC10]

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE SAYS:

Only on a cruise ship will you pay hundreds of dollars a day to sleep in a closet ! 

Most stress is caused by three things:

Money, family, and family without money. 

I get my summer glow from a bottle. It says, "Zinfadel"...    

Thanks to the internet, you can get hopelessly in debt without ever having to leave your house. 

[BonnieC10]

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd yelled "We want Youngman!" We want Youngman!"

The coach says, "Youngman....go see what they want."

[BonnieC10]

                                                  DAD

Remembering you is easy.....

I do it every day....

Missing you is the heartache..

That never goes away

           Miss you Dad.  ♥

[BonnieC10]

God took the strength of a mountain...

The majesty of a tree..

The warmth of a summer sun..

The calm of a quiet sea.

The generous soul of nature...

The comforting arm of night..

The wisdom of ages..

The power of the eagle's flight.

The joy of a morning in spring..

The faith of a mustard seed..

The patience of eternity..

The depth of a family need.

Then God combined these qualities..

When there was nothing more to add..

He knew His masterpeice was complete.

And so- He called it   DAD

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.....    ♥  

[BonnieC10]

EYE HAV A SPELLING CHECKUR, IT CAME WITH MI PEA SEA.

IT PLAINLY MARCS FOR MI REVU MISS STEAKS EYE KIN KNOT SEA.

STRIKE A KEY AND TYPE A WURD AND WEIGHT FOUR IT TWO SAY,

WEATHER EYE AM RONG OAR RITE,

IT SHOS ME RITE A WEIGH.

AS SOON AS A MIST STEAK IS MAID,

IT NOSE BEE FOR TWO LONG,

AND EYE CAN PUT THE ERROR RITE,

IT IS NEVER RONG.

EYE HAVE RUN THIS POEM THREW IT,

I AM SHORE YOR PLEAZED TO NO,

ITS LETTER PERFICT AWL THE WEIGH,

MY CHECKUR TOLLED ME SEW !

[BonnieC10]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK !"

"This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke."Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the KKK. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[BonnieC10]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Isreal, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, ( when welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land !  

[BonnieC10]

Last night I left my dentures under my pillow . The tooth fairy must have come, because she left me a pile of monopoly money with a note...

"Nice try !"

[BonnieC10]

"Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you ."

Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Billy Crystal

And the Cardiologist's diet:

If it tastes good, spit it out.