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Periodic Contributor

When Do You Know To Give Up?

We have been married for 32 years and the last 8 have been very rough. We have two grown children and both are out of the house the last one moved out last summer. We seam to have less and less in common and hardly have any conversation. When I am gone on business trips our phone calls are less then 5 min with nothing being ask about what I did or how the trip is going. Our physical activity basically left 8 plus years ago..... she doesn’t want to do anything just stay at home....

 

I don’t hate her, but it seams the spark is gone and has been and I am tired of trying and getting no where but I am scared to do anything, I guess I don’t want to hurt anyone....  I want the feeling of wanting to come home but I don’t have that and feel like I have a roommate.

 

any my suggestions or ideas?..

 

 

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Your being self centered.....are there Not 2 of you in that Marriage & Home?

Anonymous
Not applicable

Hi @JenniferM274467 I let women and men decide for themselves. Lol, I had to <learn that about my only child>. I had to <let go> and let her be <an adult>. But I made it very clear what my <boundaries are and still are>. I also had to <apologize> to her. I was so wrapped up in my mother's dysfunction, I was absent <emotionally as a mother>. I cannot redo my past. Just learn from it and move forward <1 step at a time>. I had to <walk away> several times from my <adult> daughter for her to <believe> I was no longer into family drama. I think we are finally at a good place in our relationship. But I <never> let my guard down. At age 63 this year, I look back and feel <proud> of this year. It can only keep getting better 😎

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With my divorces, I learned how to do this right.  🙂  I am a strong believer in separate everything. Waiting to buy my house until October 8.  No guarantees so you have to look out for yourself.  I also believe in women getting an education while they are married so they have something to fall back on when the going gets tough or he starts claiming ownership, threatening, "you'll never make it without me you worthless thing you"...be something, learn, get a job, get out.  June Cleaver is a thing of the past.  🙂  I believe in women socking away money in accounts he doesn't know about so she can afford to leave if need be - that is if accounts are joint.  Move a little money - take that extra $40 out when you go through the checkout lane at Walmart.  My mother was interesting to me now...she drank more when we were kids, but it was a Friday-Saturday thing, not daily.  Then it became holiday only.  But her thing was this: She was raised by my alcoholic grandparents and never got help, no counseling, no Al-Anon....just hanging out there...and her personality and mood swings were very similar to a drunk, but she wasn't one.  Just someone that didn't get help for herself.  As I kid I resented her and her mood swings.  Today, I feel sorry for her because she would have had a better life, a much happier one, if she had enough foresight and self-esteem to get help for herself.  She never undid the damage and thinks "their way" is the only way.  Well...now...that's wrong...try again....LOL  She doesn't see how dysfunctional all the arguing is.  All families are not like that. She didn't see it.  I feel bad for her because too many women convince themselves to stay in damaging relationships. Mine tried the destruction of my self-esteem.  I refused to agree with him and love me anyway and move forward regardless of his opinion.  That comes with sobriety, not being a participant in their hate-fest and distorted thinking.  The women that let men break them down, I wish I could smack confidence into them and pull them out of the pit their partners put them in.  It's sad they allow it.  I wish they understood it's a hateful addict/drunk's opinion, not the truth - their negativity, low self-esteem is not yours - don't accept it; it's their insecurities, don't make them yours by becoming a victim.  Love you no matter what cause in the end you are all you have.  

Anonymous
Not applicable

Hi @JenniferM274467 my mother didnot drink. Neither did her parents. Lol, I <never> do <joint> anything with anyone anymore. What is mine, is mine. What is theirs, is theirs. And that means a MMI (me,myself,I) setup = no roommates except furbabies 🤗

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You made the right choices!! Good for you!!  I have friends raised by alcoholic parents and they are like you, never touched it.  I applaud that! I, on the other, did not...I was raised around 4 alcoholic grandparents, 2 step grandparent alcoholics, alcoholic/junkie uncle and cousin, sister was an alcoholic and drug addict, I drank.  When you are surrounded with it and it was easy to come by in Vegas, I made dumb decisions.  I got lucky though - My family was addicted, but highly functional alcoholics.  My uncle owned a construction company and my sister worked for him; other uncle owned a wrecking yard and auto shop and worked and drank; my stepdad and dad - both drank, but owned gun shops and one was a carpenter and the other drove trucks; grandma worked in Sahara Hotel in room reservations; step grandad was a sound man for shows on the Strip and was in the uppity up in Lions Club so they traveled a lot; grandpa owned a construction company and a motel; other grandpa was a fireman and step grandad was a dealer on the Strip. They all made tons of money, highly functional and education was still a family requirement.  My mother drank, but not often - just married it like I did this last time.  My family is totally dysfunctional. I left them in 1997 so I could be sober outside of Vegas.  They fight too much.  Holidays were awful.  I left and have had to learn from my mistakes since they weren't great to learn from.  Trial and error here. 🙂  I quit October 5, 2012.  No regrets.  Better life, excellent choice.  I returned to church because I realize how important it is to have that foundation, morals, values, standards to live by  Church folks are definitely better influences than AA liars like the one I married.  I have nothing against AA - I just realize there are wolves in sheep's clothing and I don't want that.  I like my life sober, I am happy. Not risking that by making the "wrong" friends because I am a target.  I spent my summers at granny's cabin in Southern Utah - loved it, loved fishing, being outside, being away from my parents. My parents fought like cats and dogs.  They got so bad pre-divorce that from the age of about 5 until 13, I knew my weekends would be with my grandparents in the winter and in the summer I was at their cabin, only home 2 days a week to do laundry and leave again.  My grandparents drank, but weren't fighting and beating each other up like my parents.  When my husband started that with me, kicking in doors, I told him I had enough - he had 30 days - here's his warning.  I did that in the end of October and ended up kicking him out November 12 before his 30 days were up.  He was stalking neighbors, looking in windows, passed out on the patio, yelling nasty remarks to my neighbors so I called police and said - come pick him up, then I got a restraining order, which did no good - he called anyway.  Didn't matter - didn't let him move back in.  Moved out his clothes, meds, things in the bathroom out to his car while he was in the hospital.  He had Uber bring him to his car and away he went.  Locks were already changed in my apartment.  I was done and I told him.  He lied and lied about sobriety, AA meetings, not drinking...but his history showed him buying booze and drugs and prostitutes multiple times a day.  Then the DUI.  Life is too short for this.  I am out.  I finally felt like I had a home.  No arguing, no hate, no belligerence, end of negativity. Now I am looking to buy a house, plant roots, no more apartments.  You cannot do that while living with an active addict. They only take - contribute nothing and destroy your bank accounts in nothing flat.  Another piece of advice:  Keep separate accounts.  🙂  That is what has made this divorce quite easy.  He owns nothing, contributing nothing to the marriage or the house.  He only owns his clothes, toothbrush, meds and toothpaste.  His car is totaled on an impound lot.  There went his only asset.  I am thankful because that keeps this divorce proceeding really easy, smooth, OUTTA HERE! LOL  Yay!  Abuse cycle is why I want to stay single.  I am a magnet - have a target on my back - SUCKER!  They sniff it out and look at me as a doormat, someone to use, someone to support them and steal from so they can continue on.  I am not repeating it - breaking the cycle entirely.  It's not worth the stress being with someone.  I am not the needy type - Thank God for small miracles! LOL 

Anonymous
Not applicable

Hi @JenniferM274467 I am not sure why my father beat my mother everyday, but I know he drank. When he died in a car accident, speeding, drunk after work - she went back to work as a Teacher. He didnot allow her to work. I was 12 when he died and my mother became an abuser until I picked up an iron and dared her to hit me again. My escapes were my Summers spent with her parents in the city 🤗 They were lonely and I needed luv. They are the reason I never drank, never did drugs. The lady is part of the abuse cycle. Co-dependents, drugs, alcohol. Unless family or state takes babies, things stay the same. I wave, smile, am polite - but keep my mouth shut 🤐. Have zero interest.

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I am thrilled my parents concentrated on financial independence, strength, and education.  I messed up along the way, drinking too much, but still had a great foundation.  I am happy I had no issues, didn't need his money, kicked him out seamlessly.  I wish more women today had that foundation so they can be safe, throwing fears and insecurities out the window.  Hope the lady with children finds safety - maybe a battered women/children safehouse somewhere.  It's too bad her kids see it because they become what they witness.  I was single when I was raising my son as a single mom - He was part of my first marriage and he had stability with my parents as his babysitters while I was at work.  I hope this lady you mention finds safety, stability for her kids.  I am with you - a man hits once, they don't stop; lie/cheat - same thing.  I am out. I have low tolerance. Men yell at me and tell me my standards are too high, I will die alone.  Ok...I'm good.  I prefer that instead of what I just kicked to the curb - being used and walked on like a doormat.  Again, thanks parents....they did good.  🙂  They set me up in life so I didn't have to depend on anyone but myself.  So thankful for that. If a man cannot respect an independent, strong woman and he fears her, he doesn't deserve her company - his insecurities are too much and he's too immature and unsafe.  Not all women appreciate the company of control freaks.  Again, I hope the lady you mentioned finds a better life for her and her kids.  She deserves much better - no one should settle, thinking that's all they deserve.

Anonymous
Not applicable

Hey @JenniferM274467 sorry for the <very late> response to your two posts. Girl, I came in this evening from my Car Mechanic to hear one of my neighbors is in <jail> for bashing while drunk. Hmmm, not sure if I have the spelling correctly and acted like I knew what his <other half> was saying 🙄 I have <learn't> to stay out of <domestic dramas> and this case is heading down a <very dangerous> path because twin babies are involved. And like with my mother, refuses to leave. Sorry, I donot like pain of any kind. Thanks for sharing! 🤗

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Absolutely not!!!!!  This was my 3rd marriage, his 2nd.  No, no, no!!!!!!!!!!  I married young and I was immature to be married so I left him in Alaska and I returned to Nevada.  Alaska was too cold for this desert rat.  Second marriage - we were both drinking and it didn't work, no fault, no blame.  I moved to Minnesota, ended up getting and staying sober - had to leave Las Vegas to make that happen.  I could not stay sober in that town, my birth place and home town.  I took advantage of therapy and rehab and really worked hard at the program so I could stay sober.  Easy.  Don't even miss booze.  Excellent programs!! Well...turns out when I met my husband in AA, he was a sham, a liar, a fraud, only using AA meetings to make sure he got SSDI so he wouldn't have to work.  I didn't know about the prostitutes, drugs, stalking.  Those wonderful things I learned about in the last 2 years when I was catching him and then putting on the deerstalker cap, going Sherlock on him and investigating - I ended up turning over information to the police to have him investigated.  He is guilty of many felonies.  I hope he gets arrested so, out of sheer boredom, he can go to therapy and do something about himself.  Now...marry again?  No, no, never!!!  I am buying a house for me and the 2 kitten kids and my marital status on October 8 will officially be "crazy cat lady with no husband that kids make fun of".  LOL  No, no, no on marriage.  I pick wrong - I am a magnet to alcoholics and addicts and I don't want to be around the folks that still have it in them to stay wasted instead of getting past that train of thought.  This husband has really thrown me for a loop on how well he hid, lied and how sneaky he is.  I don't want that in my house cause I freaked out when I realized I am living with a Ted Bundy of sorts!!  Not having that mess and I kicked him out - threw him and his stalking out - never let him back in.  I turned him in to that group about exploitation of kids cause he's with underage prostitutes and phone sex with underage kids.  I have ZERO TOLERANCE for that kind.  I told him he needs to be chemically castrated and fed his genitalia for breakfast.  He knows I want him in prison since he cannot be rehabilitated.  I know something has happened in Alabama because he's on the lam, hiding in Mississippi with no intention of showing up for court on August 10 for his DUI in Alabama.  I think I finally hit home somewhere or he else he wouldn't be on the lam.  He'd remain in hooker district in Huntsville.  After finding out what he's really all about....NO ON MARRIAGE...Never again...No.  This one is everything I despise in a person, everything I oppose and if this is what men are all about....no thank you.  If men are proud to abuse children and be pigs like this, I understand why women don't date, went lesbian, stay single, avoid male companionship.  Chivalry is dead in large part.  That is very sad.  One good thing, I am great living by myself with my kitten kids.  

Periodic Contributor

That was what made me decide to leave.  The lies about attending rehab, when in fact he was in motels with prostitutes or at liquor stores.  He refused for 5 years - entire length of this marriage - to attend rehab and use therapy instead of using it to collect SSDI only .  I kicked him out and 5 months later after the DUI, filed for a divorce.  He is everything I oppose and I honestly feel foolish for believing the lies. However, I prefer to meet people and see good in them because everyone has potential and has something good in them somewhere. That is my downfall.  I need to remove the rose colored glasses and see people who they are, not the potential they have of becoming.  I am thankful we have no kids together - clean divorce.  His kids are adults and so is my son and we had them in other marriages, not this one.  Yay!  Clean divorce - no joint property, accounts, retirements, nothing together.  I can relate to the "not wanting to work" - Mine was going to work, but drinking and doing drugs on the job, getting belligerent with customers, tried to embezzle money, got fired.  Has not looked for another part time job since he got canned.  Street walkers, booze, drugs, motels are all that matters.  Passing an employment drug test?  He couldn't and he knows it.  He's pushing 60, too old to stop his habits so I hope he ODs soon. Just get the train wreck over with.  I learned a lot about narcissists and the drug paraphernalia - another place I fail tremendously - LOL - I drank in my years, no drugs. I am clueless.  Found it odd when my spoons disappeared in my drawer, cat was going after Q-tips, why my cupboard had 15 rolls of tin foil - I was thinking, geez Christmas cookies don't require that much...LOL...he ordered rubbing alcohol online through Humana Pharmacy but it never made it to the house and he left my box of 100 Band-Aids, but when i needed one it was empty - he never replaced it and I only look in it on an as-needed basis.  Through Al-Anon, I learned these things are all drug things...washing dope with rubbing alcohol....Q-tips had codeine on them so my cat was becoming a junkie before I kicked him out.  He never went after Q-tips after hubby left.  HMM....Interesting observation.  Been quite a journey.  My advice for kids today:  If they do drugs, RUN, RUN, RUN...don't walk...RUN!!  They are a dead-end street - no home ownership, no stability, no savings account, long rap sheets, lies, STDs, hepatitis, frequent ER visits for ODs and health issues, not worth it.  Avoid this kind.  Kick it to the curb.  

 

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