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Periodic Contributor

When Do You Know To Give Up?

We have been married for 32 years and the last 8 have been very rough. We have two grown children and both are out of the house the last one moved out last summer. We seam to have less and less in common and hardly have any conversation. When I am gone on business trips our phone calls are less then 5 min with nothing being ask about what I did or how the trip is going. Our physical activity basically left 8 plus years ago..... she doesn’t want to do anything just stay at home....

 

I don’t hate her, but it seams the spark is gone and has been and I am tired of trying and getting no where but I am scared to do anything, I guess I don’t want to hurt anyone....  I want the feeling of wanting to come home but I don’t have that and feel like I have a roommate.

 

any my suggestions or ideas?..

 

 

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Periodic Contributor

Absolutely not!!!!!  This was my 3rd marriage, his 2nd.  No, no, no!!!!!!!!!!  I married young and I was immature to be married so I left him in Alaska and I returned to Nevada.  Alaska was too cold for this desert rat.  Second marriage - we were both drinking and it didn't work, no fault, no blame.  I moved to Minnesota, ended up getting and staying sober - had to leave Las Vegas to make that happen.  I could not stay sober in that town, my birth place and home town.  I took advantage of therapy and rehab and really worked hard at the program so I could stay sober.  Easy.  Don't even miss booze.  Excellent programs!! Well...turns out when I met my husband in AA, he was a sham, a liar, a fraud, only using AA meetings to make sure he got SSDI so he wouldn't have to work.  I didn't know about the prostitutes, drugs, stalking.  Those wonderful things I learned about in the last 2 years when I was catching him and then putting on the deerstalker cap, going Sherlock on him and investigating - I ended up turning over information to the police to have him investigated.  He is guilty of many felonies.  I hope he gets arrested so, out of sheer boredom, he can go to therapy and do something about himself.  Now...marry again?  No, no, never!!!  I am buying a house for me and the 2 kitten kids and my marital status on October 8 will officially be "crazy cat lady with no husband that kids make fun of".  LOL  No, no, no on marriage.  I pick wrong - I am a magnet to alcoholics and addicts and I don't want to be around the folks that still have it in them to stay wasted instead of getting past that train of thought.  This husband has really thrown me for a loop on how well he hid, lied and how sneaky he is.  I don't want that in my house cause I freaked out when I realized I am living with a Ted Bundy of sorts!!  Not having that mess and I kicked him out - threw him and his stalking out - never let him back in.  I turned him in to that group about exploitation of kids cause he's with underage prostitutes and phone sex with underage kids.  I have ZERO TOLERANCE for that kind.  I told him he needs to be chemically castrated and fed his genitalia for breakfast.  He knows I want him in prison since he cannot be rehabilitated.  I know something has happened in Alabama because he's on the lam, hiding in Mississippi with no intention of showing up for court on August 10 for his DUI in Alabama.  I think I finally hit home somewhere or he else he wouldn't be on the lam.  He'd remain in hooker district in Huntsville.  After finding out what he's really all about....NO ON MARRIAGE...Never again...No.  This one is everything I despise in a person, everything I oppose and if this is what men are all about....no thank you.  If men are proud to abuse children and be pigs like this, I understand why women don't date, went lesbian, stay single, avoid male companionship.  Chivalry is dead in large part.  That is very sad.  One good thing, I am great living by myself with my kitten kids.  

Periodic Contributor

That was what made me decide to leave.  The lies about attending rehab, when in fact he was in motels with prostitutes or at liquor stores.  He refused for 5 years - entire length of this marriage - to attend rehab and use therapy instead of using it to collect SSDI only .  I kicked him out and 5 months later after the DUI, filed for a divorce.  He is everything I oppose and I honestly feel foolish for believing the lies. However, I prefer to meet people and see good in them because everyone has potential and has something good in them somewhere. That is my downfall.  I need to remove the rose colored glasses and see people who they are, not the potential they have of becoming.  I am thankful we have no kids together - clean divorce.  His kids are adults and so is my son and we had them in other marriages, not this one.  Yay!  Clean divorce - no joint property, accounts, retirements, nothing together.  I can relate to the "not wanting to work" - Mine was going to work, but drinking and doing drugs on the job, getting belligerent with customers, tried to embezzle money, got fired.  Has not looked for another part time job since he got canned.  Street walkers, booze, drugs, motels are all that matters.  Passing an employment drug test?  He couldn't and he knows it.  He's pushing 60, too old to stop his habits so I hope he ODs soon. Just get the train wreck over with.  I learned a lot about narcissists and the drug paraphernalia - another place I fail tremendously - LOL - I drank in my years, no drugs. I am clueless.  Found it odd when my spoons disappeared in my drawer, cat was going after Q-tips, why my cupboard had 15 rolls of tin foil - I was thinking, geez Christmas cookies don't require that much...LOL...he ordered rubbing alcohol online through Humana Pharmacy but it never made it to the house and he left my box of 100 Band-Aids, but when i needed one it was empty - he never replaced it and I only look in it on an as-needed basis.  Through Al-Anon, I learned these things are all drug things...washing dope with rubbing alcohol....Q-tips had codeine on them so my cat was becoming a junkie before I kicked him out.  He never went after Q-tips after hubby left.  HMM....Interesting observation.  Been quite a journey.  My advice for kids today:  If they do drugs, RUN, RUN, RUN...don't walk...RUN!!  They are a dead-end street - no home ownership, no stability, no savings account, long rap sheets, lies, STDs, hepatitis, frequent ER visits for ODs and health issues, not worth it.  Avoid this kind.  Kick it to the curb.  

 

Bronze Conversationalist

No they passed away 2 days apart

Anonymous
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Luv your <tips and paper> @JenniferM274467 I will <add>.

  • An addict of <any kind> has to <want to change>. There is nothing you can do if they donot want to! Learn't that in my 1st Al Anon Meeting for folks who care about an addict. Didnot have to go to a 2nd meeting as I now <understood>. I was pregnant at the time, <scared and getting way too much pressure to stay with him from both sides of family>. I wanted my unborn child to have a life of <peace and stability>. She thanked me at age 18 and wants nothing to do with her dad. Who is still an addict (drugs, alcohol and a don't want to work habit). Yes, a momma's boy who lies for him. I keep <hoping> he will <change> for our daughter. But she is now 34 and..... Glad I had her. For a very long time I wanted zero. I call her my "one and only" and had her late in life. Luv her to death 🤗
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Anonymous
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Would you get married <again> @JenniferM274467 ? Lol, me <no way>. One time was enough!! 🤣😂

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Periodic Contributor

I think the best advice I would give someone is this:  Don't beat yourself up.  Sure, part of it is your fault - it takes 2 to end or have a relationship.  But don't be overcome with grief and sorrow.  Pick yourself up, be thankful for what you had and take the time to be thrilled the negative side is over and you can have a happy day, more peace, no chaos....look for the positives.  Humiliated?  It will pass.  Love yourself anyway because you're worth it. 

 

I wrote a paper years ago in college and I have not waivered from it:  House of Love = foundation of friendship - if this does not exist, you are building on quicksand and your structure will not be built ; 4 pillars - respect, communication, honesty and trust - if any of these are missing, you cannot rise above friendship because your walls won't stand and if they stand on weak terms, the first storm will tear apart your walls and you will be left with cracked foundation wondering if the friendship was even real.  On the walls, you want hugs, kisses, resolved conflicts, kids, families, memories, strength, sickness, wellness, tears, laughter, conversation, etc.  The roof is love; the front door is teamwork - those make outsiders feel welcome.  They look in the windows of your home and feel warmth, happiness.  They want what you have.  It all starts and is built with the foundation and 4 pillars. Without that strong base, you have nothing - move on - count your lucky stars they didn't reel you in.  🙂  Dodged a bullet.  Woohoo!  LOL  

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Anonymous
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Did they get divorced in 1960 @Travis55Chevy ?

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I was fortunate enough to be with my great grand parents  and even though they wernt romantic around anyone that never meant there was no feelings. I know they loved each other they got married in 1902 and stayed together until 1960. They showed their love by doing little things sharing moments reliving past things they did sharing good things changed around their lives together;  Just a thought your wife maybe suffering an empty nest syndrom she could be depressed maybe a trip your Doctor would help.

Anonymous
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@JenniferM274467 wrote:

Yes, and when communication stops these days, it goes hand-in-hand with passwords everywhere so the sneaking begins.  They quit speaking to you while creating a life on the side.  Some folks don't like being alone and need a replacement before releasing you. 


💥That is why I will <never do online dating> @JenniferM274467 . Lol, they lie in <real life>, online gives them more options 😱 💥

Anonymous
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@JenniferM274467 wrote:

If a person loves you, they would show you and want you to know they care.  It would come naturally.  If they don't show you and just say words, I called this lying by omission and empty rhetoric.  Actions speak louder than words.  


💥I agree @JenniferM274467 . Wish I had known this years ago. Like you, I walked away 😉 💥

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