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Bronze Conversationalist

New Widow

I first joined Aarp years ago at beginning of retirement. I had forgotten they offer bereavement support. I hope to read how others cope and grow through the grief and loss of a longtime spouse. I've read helpful and encouraging posts so far. Thank you for posting!

 

 

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Anonymous
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1 comment(THURSDAY 3/9/23) Dear @Cadee2719 I am SO SORRY for your losses!!! 😭 That is way too much loss. I am so GLAD you stopped by and HOPE you will continue to. WE luv you, Nicole 🤎🤗

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Conversationalist

Dear Nicole,

Thank You for your kind words and thoughts.

Cadee

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Conversationalist

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am divorced and have never had to experience the loss of a spouse so I can't even begin to know how you feel.  The loss of both of my parents was devastating and the emptiness is always there.  I learned you have to grieve and am told I am still grieving.  However, I gave all of this to God, and over time, He has helped me and given me a life of peace and happiness.  I pray peace for you.

Rebecca
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Bronze Conversationalist

I am sorry for your loss too.

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Conversationalist

Thank you...how nice of you! My daddy was only 58 yrs old when he passed. My mama outlived him by 14 years and I don't think she ever recovered. They were very close. She kind of shut down and didn't grieve properly. You have to grieve.

Rebecca
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Bronze Conversationalist

Thank you Rebecca.

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Conversationalist

You are so very welcome! Have a blessed day!

Rebecca
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Trusted Social Butterfly

It's been 4 months since the passing of my husband of 63 years. Each day is different some days are harder depending what I have had to do. Going through personal belongings and deciding what to keep and what to give to those who wanted something as a rememberance of their Dad/grandfather/greatgrandfathe then to donations. Just getting through the immediate days after his passing and dealing with the funeral home, deciding what I could afford and the method of burial or cremation..This proved to be an added expense and they do have price list and some things will contribute to it such as life insurance, SSI allowance a small amount. Then the paperwork to collect survivor benefits either from pension/SSI or insurances can be tme consuming and overwhelming..The period of this transition can be worrysome...Where you have already gone through the lost I imagine this has already been dealt with. Next is the transition of utilitiles especially if you're in need of reduced rates and extra help with the heating costs another hill of paper work to negotiate and hopefully things get entered correctly on the computers or another glitch appears..If you can get help in anyway accept it ...Then there are those ambush days when the least things bring those tears going and the nighttime is the worse as you are alone with your thoughts and memories...I find listening to the radio especially talk shows helps or easy listening music that will make me sleepy..Of course you will miss the together times that you shared but those are now your memories..Try to get involved with hobbies, or others that are in the same boat (you have already taken that first step)..If you're an outgoing person try to connect with those who have the same interests as you..If you're a private person look for things that interest you such as gardening, reading, crafts etc. And always know we are just a click away if you need to vent or just talk about what's going on with you..Wishing you well in your days to come...

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Periodic Contributor

Your story could be mine. It has been 5 months for me. I finally submitted the taxes for 2021! it was hard to find vital records needed to file. I still haven't changed the title on the car. I do miss him every day and feel jipped every day. I have a mentor through Stephen Ministries. We meet at different coffee houses.I have 4 book to read and I involve myself heavily in church activities. I try to do the things I used to before his illness: exercise regularly, go to my own medical screenings, read a book, go out with friends, travel without pushing him in a wheelchair, take long baths and talk as long as I want to on the phone. I also am sleeping all night. (he had mobility issues where he needed help to use a urinal during the night).

I do still have caregivers remorse. I was disgruntled about how much I was responsible for, and being a nurse by profession, put me in another role. 

I thought I was handling my emotions well when I entered. Michael's Crat store. First the Easter stuff tempted me but all my granddaughters live out of state and few to attend a meal together. Then  saw frames on sale. I starting thinking about putting my husband's picture in one. I started to tear up thinking how I have to memorialize him instead of having him here. Lastly I entered the hospitality section because I have an Airbnb. A lot of the signage said" Welcome to Our home" or " Welcome to our Story" or worse, " This is our Happily Ever After"

I burst into tears because I don't have my happily ever after anymore.I don't know how to handle that.

Vena Edwards
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Periodic Contributor

Excuse the typos that I can't seem to edit away. 😞

Vena Edwards
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Conversationalist

Today is the first time I have come to this site.  I, too, lost my husband of 61 years four months ago.  I am walking in your footsteps and experiencing much of what you are going through on a daily basis.  What makes it all the more difficult is that I also lost my son in April and my brother in September, and then my husband in October.   My husband was in Hospice Care at home for seven months,   I am overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  I have called the Compassion Hotline and they were very kind.  I try hard to be busy during the daytime but at night I find it hard to sleep and am overwhelmed with grief.  I am hoping that this site will help me.  

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Bronze Conversationalist

Cadee, I hope things are a little better. You have been through a lot. Our lives are definitely not the same after

losses. When I lost my sister over 10 yrs ago to ovarian cancer I found a wonderful group online called GROWW for the grieving. There was a 24 HR chat room started by volunteers. Always someone there. I don't think the group is online now. The operator may have passed on. But this AARP group is very similar. A wonderful group of caring people. Only each individual knows what type of grief recovery works for them. Regarding sleep issues, I'm more for natural sleep support. Exercise during the day helps sleep. And anxiety. I found group water walking at the YWCA a great help and outlet. Reading a good book also helps. There are many prayer lines.  Prayer and additional self-help got me through many tough times. And I'm still learning the value of solitude as opposed to lonliness. I couldn't be more lonely than when I'm with people I'm not suited to. For reasons of lifestyles or experiences. Try to put your heart into God's heart, or the hearts of your loved ones. Your heart will be embraced with their love. With death often comes the denial of love. Because the physical is gone. Therein the pain and sorrow. Except the love is always there. And things do get better in time because in life there is always something new. Something good. Take care.

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Honored Social Butterfly

Thank you for your sage advice @mc6844 That’s 

the beauty of this forum. Always somebody helping others. I will definitely try some of your tips 💜

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Silver Conversationalist

I am so very sorry for your losses.. There are many things we all can say to offer comfort to each other but I believe mc6844 said it best.. All my best,you are in my prayers..

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Bronze Conversationalist

I'm so sorry for your losses Cadee. So much sorrow. At these times we need practical suggestions. I discovered there was no person who could alleviate my pain. During my life I have relied heavily on prayer. There are numerous prayer lines to call in those empty hours. And many places to place petitions. It's the process of prayer that brings comfort. I always thought it was the prayer result. Prayer brings me relief, comfort, and the ability to focus on the next practical thing in my day. Prayer is a connection to spiritual support. In the context of your own beliefs. Take care.

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Conversationalist

I am very sorry for your loss.  My husband passed two years ago.  Night time is difficult, I agree.  Your loss is very new and I, too, had a hard time sleeping.  I recommend a grief support group.  I was involved in one for about a year.  I was out having lunch with my mom and dad today and the tears just started to come.  I wish Dan were here with us.  I am glad you reached out to the Compassion Hotline.  They can be very helpful - I have experience with that too.  I am sorry to everyone that I haven't been on here lately.  I hope to be here more often. and I hope I can help and be a "listener."  I am also helping my dad get my mom out more.  She has dementia, but was very cheerful at lunch.  She is just so sweet.

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Honored Social Butterfly

I’m so sorry for your losses. Very traumatic what you’re experiencing. I’m in year 5 and it is a process. I don’t think you can go thru this alone. Maybe start with your Dr to get something so you can sleep. And think about a grievance group. You have been thru so much in a short period of time. Journaling can help as well. Hoping you have a good support system to help you as well. God bless and stay in touch with us 💜

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Conversationalist

I pray peace for you also.

Rebecca
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Bronze Conversationalist

Thank you for the information. I am sorry for your loss. I see that it's fairly new too. A long time of sharing life with another person. I took on more things quite a while ago. So that part wasn't so much of a jolt. It was the caregiving which ended up depleting me. He had the absolute best care at home and the many hospital stays. The nurses are angels. Its the 24/7 caregiving that is hard for people. And people have a tough time dealing with end of life issues. One of our sons took vacation time to attend his dying Dad in the hospital. He was so pleased about this. Little things like getting something from the cafeteria. He couldn't eat, maybe a little Jello etc. Then our son went to Burlington to get his Dad a fleece jacket. He was always freezing in the hospital. But not everyone can get time off from work during these difficult times. The last hospital stay I couldn't get there due to all the walking. But I told him I was on my way to see him. My daughter was helping me get there. He died about a half hour before we got there. The night before he told me on the phone how good it was to sleep. He hadn't been able to sleep in years. It's still hard to believe he's gone for good and not coming back. I am sorry for everyone on this site who has gone through this.

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Anonymous
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1 comment(FRIDAY 3/3/23) Hi, your post title says New Widow. So sorry for your loss!! 😭 Nicole 🤗🤎

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Bronze Conversationalist

Thank you Nicole. Very kind of you.

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