AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - It has been a year since i lost my wife

FrankW644202 · ‎03-19-2023

I have been handling it good, I started seeing an old friend and we are helping each other with issues. My family and Nikki think that I have not been able grieved probably. My issue is I watched my wife suffer for45 days in the hospital with a bacteria infection that led to a massive stroke that is when I was grieving just watching this love of my life who was a nurse, EMT, firefighter and very active in life just shutdown. I have events of sadness but I have made peace with it. Has anyone else experience this

mc6844 · ‎03-27-2023

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. She sounds lovely and full of life. I've noticed that those who express their thoughts, feelings and emotions not only feel better but gradually are able to put their experiences into perspective. I've lost more than one person to the decline you describe. That's the thing about death. Even when a person is very sick we still hope and pray it won't happen. When the end happens it's final. It can be a shock. Sick people often get well. Except many sick people die. To watch the suffering can be a nightmare. In spite of it all your loved one was aware you were there. I'm sure that was her great comfort in the midst of those circumstances. We don't know the full story of suffering while we're on this earthly plane. Except that it happens like rain or stillwaters. You will grieve in certain ways for your wife always. But I think the pain is eventually replaced with appreciation for the time you had with her. Time takes time.Take care.

SueS788527 · ‎03-26-2023

Hi, Frank, your feelings resonated with me. I appreciate you sharing them. Expressing them will help to bring some closure of the trauma of watching your loved one die in front of you. I experienced that as well, and like Beatlelover, saw firsthand the ravages of cancer. This all happened over a 2-year period. First the bad diagnosis around Christmas. Then the "effective" treatment for one year. The second year was disastrous. Lies about an alternative treatment, etc, etc. Yes, you are right watching the "rapid" decline was a hopeless feeling. It left me with many "would have, should haves." I found out in a GriefShare session that we experienced trauma in addition to the actual loss. There probably was anticipatory grief as your loved one was dying. These intense emotions unfortunately add to the already intense grief of losing your loved one. Please continue to reflect on your loved one, relive happy past memories and know that you did all you could do. Find your own way of grieving. I knew I needed the right kind of support - people who would listen (just listen) and not judge. In fact, I recently recognized that I needed to keep my distance from negative, judgmental people. Even after a year, we are still fragile and need to concentrate on our well-being, mentally and physically. That is an individual choice. I highly recommend GriefShare as another avenue of solace and guidance. Even after a year since my husband died, I find that I still in my heart of hearts have a hard time accepting his loss on different levels. Take time, journal and reflect. All the feelings you have are natural. The only cautionary note is not to allow yourself to go into the world of self-pity. I wish you better days ahead.