It's too hard!

[EileenP559346]

Sometimes (no, all the time) it is just too hard.  It is inside you all the time but many times you can't control it.  I am talking about the debilitating grief.  I just got back from grocery shopping.  That has become a source of grief for me.  There were two of us, now only one.  Now I am shopping for just me.  When you pick up the normal size of milk and then put it back for the pint size that is daunting.  I find myself hysterically crying in the grocery store.  I keep thinking I just don't want to live like this, but of course I will.  I am not living for myself now.  I know that he would want me to go on and I have a dog to take care of.  Also, I am lucky enough to have a few people in this world that love me and I would not want to put them through the pain of losing me.  It is just to hard!

[mc6844]

Eileen, I just saw your post. I hope you are feeling

better. Take care.

[CarolynS674392]

Eileen, I, too, am alone now.  I also lost my husband.  He died suddenly and during covid, so I did not get to talk to him, but they let me alone with him after he died and I told him I would take good care of our dog (of course I would, I love him).  So I have a dog to take care of too.  I wish we could have talked before, but he had a sudden heart attack.  

I'm so sorry for your loss.  

[EileenP559346]

Thank you Carolyn.  I truly appreciate it and am so sorry for your loss also.  I am so grateful to have my sisters, but as my sister says (who lost her husband 12 years ago at the age of 55 to a sudden heart attack) that you could be in a room with thousands of people but because the person you want is not there you are lonely.  I am grateful, also, to have my dog.  I have to get up in the morning to take care of her, otherwise I might just stay in bed.  She also forces me to get exercise.  I guess we just have to hang in there for our loved one.  I know that my husband, and I am sure yours, would not want us to just lay down and give up.  Even though that is what we want to do at times. 

I feel that I am not crying outwardly every day any more, but inwardly I feel like I am still a jumble of tears.  I was looking at some pictures this morning and saw one of him at a car show.  Looking at an old muscle car.  It made me smile but also made me sad.  I guess that it will always be that way, but will just lessen and more smiles than tears.  Take care.  Eileen

[VickieS693663]

My experience is quite similar to yours .My one year anniversary of his home going is approaching. I feel like I am finally coming out of shock. Grocery shopping was very tough. I have just begun cooking for myself and trying to eat better instead of all just snacks. I will admit to the fact that it is much harder than  I realized it would be. I lost my parents and my only sibling and my best friend but losing my spouse suddenly has been very  overwhelming. The  others were not so sudden. I have found an organization called GriefShare to be very helpful. They do have groups nationwide.

[EileenP559346]

Hi Vickie - I am so sorry for all your losses.  Losing my mother 4 years ago was awful.  But nothing prepared me for losing my husband.  I feel like I lost my future, my present and my past. I never expected to be in this situation but I guess none of us did.  I married him later in life and really thought that I would grow old with him. I do look at older couples with envy. I have my sisters and they are a Godsend.  It is hard making friends as you get older, especially if you don't work out of the home. I am looking for organizations in the area but so far no luck. Since I just recently moved to the area I really only have family to rely on, no friends to do things with.  

I know exactly what you mean about food.  Luckily I had a good meal with my sister last night because today not so healthy.  I opened up a box of cheese-its and that was my breakfast and lunch.  Most times vegetables and fruits are a thing of the past.

Take care and I wish you peace.         Eileen

[Anonymous]

(1 comment) You are in OUR thoughts today @EileenP559346 🤎🤗

[EileenP559346]

Hi Nicole.  Thank you.  I am not always good about getting on the computer so sorry I did not get back to you earlier.  I often think of what you and everyone else are going through.  I know how hard it is on me and pray every night for others going through what I am going through.  This is just so hard.  You hear people say things like "be grateful for the time you had" but that does not help.  I am grateful for the time I had but dammit, I wanted more time!  

Take care and you are definitely in my thoughts.    ....Eileen

[Rebecca2004]

Hey Eileen, I'm so sorry for your grief and loss!  I lost my Daddy in 1981 and I'm still grieving.  It never goes away.  BUT, I've learned to live with the emptiness.  You have to give all of this to God and trust that He will give you peace.  The peace of God is something you can't describe and you never want it to lave.  I've been divorced twice and I think it's because I'm looking for my Daddy in every man I meet.  Please get grief counseling like I should have.  I pray for you.

Rebecca

[Anonymous]

(1 comment) I am in "kudo" heaven! I just got an email saying @BeatleloverKT gave me one. I luv giving and receiving them. Lol, "kudos" are "hugs" to me. Shows that you CARE. Thank you my friend, Nicole 🙂

[BeatleloverKT]

I agree! We all want to feel that we “count” 💜

[BeatleloverKT]

@EileenP559346 I feel your pain. And it’s been 4

years for me. Grocery shopping is still hard for me

because he did all the shopping and the cooking. 
Now I have to shop and cook, and then eat alone.

If I think about it too much, I would fall apart every

day. If the grocery store is a trigger for you, I 

would suggest curbside pick up. I started that 

during Covid and have never looked back. My

husband was a great cook but had a pretty set

menu. Now I’m free to make whatever I like

whenever I want. Just a different view on an

arduous task. Good luck whatever you choose

[LeoN212745]

Yes, you're correct. It is hard dealing with the loss of half yourself. Nearly 10 years since my sweetness passed and I push myself every day to keep going. Weepy moments rise up in any situation she and I had done together. Dinnertime without her just plain sucks. I hate cooking dinner for just me. But life goes on, as it does until it doesn't. There's no need to rush to the end of your story just yet. Reaching out here is a good start. Now keep going and remember the serenity prayer even if you have to shout it at the walls when it's just too hard keeping on. 

Breathe in, breathe out, one step at a time to go forward and weep when you must, it's cathartic. 

fatdove52

[Anonymous]

(1 comment) No pressure to answer, what is the name of your dog @EileenP559346 ? 🐕

[EileenP559346]

Josie is a chorkie, part chihuahua and part yorkie.  She is an adorable, yet high maintenance, 12 year old dog that looks like a puppy.  I am really hoping that she holds out for a few more years because I don't think that I could handle anything happening to her.