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Is it possible to take comfort with a widower who may know what’s down the road?

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Is it possible to take comfort with a widower who may know what’s down the road?

I’m a new widow. Just 7 or so weeks. I know 3 widowers- my brother is one. But no one will talk with me. A spouse passing is life changing. Is this something men push down in their soul? Thanks for any answers. 

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Hi, KM, I read your message and the various responses on this site, which I think offer good ideas and reassurance that grieving is difficult and there is no quick fix.  On the issue of men grieving, I have reassessed my view on this topic.  Having been in many grievance groups, I have found many different male grievers.  There really is no prescribed behavior, although we may feel that.  My first encounter after my husband died was with an insurance adjuster who just lost his mother and his family through divorce.  He was in pain (I began to become much more attuned to the pain of others).  We ended up talking about our separate losses.  He was kind and understanding and offered great insight that allowed me to sleep through the night for the first time since my husband died.  I was the primary caregiver for my husband.  The last final weeks were horrible for my husband and me.  The worst part was that he stopped talking and we never had a chance to actually say the words "good bye."  That weighed heavily on me and led to questions whether I should have done more and whether I somehow failed him.  These feelings are not unusual if you are a caregiver.  The insurance guy said " just think how you made his life easier in the last 2 years and probably extended his quality of life."  Wow, nobody ever said that to me.  It just goes to show there are very sensitive and caring people who somehow appear (are they guardian angels?) and help lighten your suffering.  The long and short of it is that men can be empathetic and caring.  Conversely women can be cruel and callous.  Everyone is different.  Keep an open mind and don't be afraid to trust your own instincts and others who genuinely care.  Hope this helps.  Sue

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i lost my wife on2/2/21. We knew each other as kids. She was in a nursing home the last 10 years of her life. We came close to 50 years of marriage. I miss her daily you cant help that and its normal and healthy. I quit crying a couple years ago. I didnt throw my self into books or talk to only other who lost someone. I did what she would want me to do i went on living and i talk to anyone who will listen. The ones not talking are dealing with their own kind of greif. My strength and i admit its not always strong comes from Gods word everything that has been written about this you will find answers in the word of God. When i get lonely or feeling down i pray and let god know how i feel. I also tell him he told us in his word he would comfort us in time of trouble and greif. Then i leave it to him to give me peace and answers. His peace is like no other peace you will find in a book or conversation. How do i know because ive have experienced it. You too can find that peace and hope by trusting him and telling him how you really feel.     

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1 comment (9/15/23)

 

Kristine @KM547318 , YOU are in my thoughts TODAY!

 

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Hi Nicole,

You are so sweet. As we stumble it is great to know someone cares.

Kristine

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A friend’s husband passed away after being together for 76 yrs & couldn’t find help for companion at night. I feel this is an issue AARP can address organizing a volunteer group for short term help.

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4 comments (9/9/23)

 

Dear Kristine @KM547318 , how are you today? 🤔

 

Nicole 🤗

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Thank you for asking Nicolle. Just feeling lonely today.

 

I bought the book “widow to widow,” and it’s a relief to know that craziness sometimes comes when grieving

 

Blessings to you

k

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My heart goes out to you. Some can’t even access internet due to macular degeneration & need help when going through grieving process.

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Hi eh,

Im having trouble typing I shake so much.I know your friend must have many many challenges. I can only pray for her as I pray for others -God answers 

 

blessings,

kristine

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Hi Kristine.  I am so glad that you got the book Widow to Widow.  I read it shortly after my husband's death and found that I really didn't absorb the message.  I have recently read it again and find it very helpful.  You need to take your time, do things on "your" schedule and not feel the need to apologize for doing so.  I am the type of person that needs the "Quiet Time" to heal, to think, to process my thoughts.   Others need to be surrounded by people to help them through this journey.  It is safe to share your thoughts and concerns here.  We are all on the same journey and none of us are experts in the advice we share, simply sharing our walk through this pain and recovery.  I wish you the strength and love to heal.

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I'm sorry for your loss Kristine. The more you express your feelings and emotions the better you will feel. This site helps because the focus is on the grieving and the topic options and not scattered in all directions. The good people here can help you with sage suggestions. The discussions help to 

gain a footing in this time of adjustments. You can stop in whenever you feel like it. I feel at home here, like I'm in the right place. You're right that people feel uncomfortable talking about grief. Especially dying and death. Except it's so much a part of life. The people here have a lot of good and diverse thoughts on these topics.Take care! 

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Thank you for taking the time to write me. I am sorry for your loss too

k

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Honored Social Butterfly

@KM547318 I’m sorry for your loss. Everyone

grieves differently but men definitely grieve

differently then women. I agree that a support

group would be good for you. You can express

your feelings openly with no expectations.
You could also opt for 
one on one counseling.

Our post about grief and loss readings may

help you as well 💜🙏

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Thank you KT.

k

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Esteemed Social Butterfly

1 comment (9/8/23)

 

Kristine @KM547318 , you are in my thoughts TODAY!

 

Nicole 🤗

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🤗 thanks Nicole

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Perhaps joining a grief group within your locale is what you need as the meetings would allow you to speak your mnd. You need to adjust to your loss and find yourself again. Do something that brings you joy be it a hobby or an activitiy something to fill that void. Relationships usually come from ones interests or a shared expeience. Try to get out of  your shell and mingle with others, If you like to read join a book club at the library or volunteer ..People handle their grief in many ways .Start a journal where you can express your inner thoughts....I hope you are able to come to terms with your loss.. 

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Hello Joni

You have some good ideas. Thank you for them.
k

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Esteemed Social Butterfly

2 comments (9/7/23)

 

Hi Kristine @KM547318 , NO PRESSURE - but WE would like to "invite" you to check out OUR discussions!

 

WE would be "honored" to hear YOUR thoughts on OUR topics. 👍

 

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Hi Nicole,

It was very nice of you to invite me. I appreciate your offer this is a weird place to be right now and it would be great to get some feedback.

k🤗

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Silver Conversationalist

Kristine it will probably get weirder. Big changes bring uncomfortable feelings. But this too shall pass. It's only feelings. There's a lot to do at times like this. Doing a little each day gets us there. And helps us to realize we do have some control and say in our lives. Because death even when expected, throws a curve ball when it arrives. So slow and steady daily activities keep us grounded. Take care!

 

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Kristine, I am sorry for you loss.  October 30 my husband will be gone one year.  I am still searching for the answers.  I find that people don't talk about death because they do not want to hurt you, knowing how vulnerable you are at this time.  Often, they simply do not know what to say. Men, I think, have this responsibility to be STRONG or at least appear to be strong around their family and friends. The loss of a spouse is hard on both genders each is as vulnerable as the other.  This site has been my saving grace with the freedom and ease to discuss our feelings and insecurities.  A recommended book from this site is WIDOW TO WIDOW which I have now read TWICE and find very helpful.  It will soon be a year of my husband's passing; yet I continue to search for the answers.  I take a step forward and two back on some days, but I am still continuing the journey.  The people here are kind and caring and are willing to share their journey.  I pray that this will help you.

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I purchased, the “widows to widow” book, and I appreciate you telling me.

k

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1 comment (9/7/23)

 

Hi Kristine @KM547318 !

 

Sorry for your loss. 😥

 

I am NOT an expert, just grieving myself.

 

In my humble opinion, it depends on the person.

 

Some men NEED to talk.

 

Some women DO NOT.

 

And BOTH may have times when they talk and times when they don't.

 

We do have one guy on our team, Bill

@BillH490171 - he may have some insights for you. He is also a griever.

 

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🤗🤗🤗

k

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