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Bronze Conversationalist

Re: Feelings

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Message 1 of 3

I used to quote that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle. Secretly I thought he either over estimated my strength or he wasn't paying attention. I was told to not pray for strength because God would send tests in my way to help build it up. So then I started saying that even if I was only serving as an example to others that I never lost my faith no matter had bad things got for me then I was okay with that. My husband died a few years ago and I still believe I could have saved him like I did countless times before. We moved here when he got sick because that is what he wanted but it is so rural and too much house for me. I have no friends, I have no neighbors, I am not able to attend church, my children  have nothing to do with me unless it is beneficial to them and I have no contact with my husband's family. I am in constant pain and unable to eat solids. I want to move but have to do all the packing myself because any time I reach out for help I get taken advantage of (no AARP in my county and senior center focus is on fun). I can't complain too loud because my kids have already been hinting I should go into senior living with my pets and let them manage my finances. My doctor, financial advisor and lawyer all say not to worry but that fight would finish any hope of a future relationship. So what do I say now? I can't be an example if no one knows I exist It is like the "if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound if noone is there to hear it?". If I live or die, suceed or fail, praise God or stop praying what difference does it make except to me? I will always believe in him and that he loves his children so I don't understand what I need to do to accept this life of pain and isolation and believe that it is part of his plan. 

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Re: Feelings

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Message 2 of 3

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband unexpectedly on 11/30/17.  He too looked like he had just gone to sleep and didn't wake up.  He had such a peaceful look on his face. You said it well; I also lost my knight in shining armor.  He also worried more about me than himself and he also was afraid of dying.  He was 18 years older than I but we were together for 26 years.  He was my rock, defender and friend.  He was retired and I was at work when he passed away.  I'm so glad he was at home; he loved being at home working in the garden, toodling around the house doing little things and almost every night had supper for me when I got home from work.  I miss his cooking but I miss his hugs good night, his smile and his strength.  Sometimes it's hard to concentrate at work. I still wear my wedding rings, I still have his picture on my desk at work and I still sleep in the same bed.  I love being in our home we bought 15 years ago. We could finish each other's sentences, know what the other is thinking and were a lot alike even with the age gap.  He was such a blessing to me and my two boys that he helped raise into young men who know right from wrong.  They love and miss him too.  I grieve with you during our loss.

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Feelings

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Message 3 of 3

I will challenge the world to my own understanding. I asked the Lord why me he said why not you. As I sat here thinking and looking at James and I photo's I smile. We traveled together build our first home together. I smile because all those nights we had together he was more worried about me than himself.I asked him are you afraid.He said yes I'm just afraid to leave you.I had to do the hardest thing in my life I had to tell him I would be okay.His doctor told me he was only here because of me ,I truly knew I was not telling the truth.He asked me one night to go in the room to get some rest.I wanted to be buy his side every minute,I can tell he really wanted me to rest. I said I would only rest a little bit call me if you need me.When I came to check on him it was like he was sleep.Then I knew my night in shiny armor was gone. As a girl I was not raised in a secure home.Someone asked me if I could share the change in my life I am still working on it day by day.The crying I use to do now I cry about the time we shared with each either.And just to have people I can't see but the response's I get I know the world is not so bad.Thank you all.

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