@MelindaB591392 I'm so sorry for your losses. The losses pile up - it's a cumulative effect. It takes time and there is no set timeline - every single person has a unique grief journey - none of us can completely know exactly how you feel. But there are similarities, and I can empathize with the feelings. i've lost my 19 yr old niece, my Mom and my sister 3 yrs in a row, and 5 years later my Dad, who died just one yr ago. It's been a rough year! Numb, overhwelming sadness, anger, feeling lost and untethered, so so tired...and more. I'm starting to come out of the fog now but still a long way to go before I can, as you say, "be able to say it's my time to not worry about my future and just be comfortable and settled".
One thing I'm doing is actively encouraging myself to think about what feeling "ok" and settled would feel like. I make lists sometimes of things I'd like to do some day. And I cherish every moment of feeling happy that I get. One of the signs to me that I'm tip-toeing out of the fog is that there are moments now when i think of all of my loved ones who have passed on and sometimes I smile first and think of a good time with them before the sadness envelopes me. I figure that's a good sign 🙂
Have you thought about doing a vision board? Either with magazine photos and glue or maybe an online board like Pinterest that contains images of things that make you feel "settled", happy, calm, hopeful? Maybe that would help you have direction, and help you balance out the looking back with the looking forward.
Sending you many good wishes - please keep us posted!
Take care,
Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert
Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving and
Color Your Way Content When Caring for Loved Ones