Hi, Diane -
I feel your pain - I was right where you are now but 17 years ago. But ya know what, just from what you wrote, it all came flooding back. But I am much better today and know that those painful feelings are now only sporadic but so real when I feel them I can empathize with you.
In those early days after my husband died - I could ONLY put one step in front of the other - nothing else. I had Post-It notes all over my mirror saying basic things like โbrush my teethโ, โcomb my hairโ., โshowerโ. and EAT - I lost a tremendous amount of weight; I did things that were dangerous to my wellbeing - cause I really didnโt care.
Like you, I live in a pretty rural area and really never made too many friends around the area because we worked so much. My husband and I were self-employed (38 years) and traveled a good bit in the business so we were together 24/7 pretty much. He literally was everything to me. The business pretty much went with him since it was his creativity and personhood that we marketed. So everything changed for me.
In the months that followed, I did begin to use a journal - I wrote in it but never went back to read any of it, I just let it flow out and then at about the 2-year mark, I burned it.
I tried a counselor to which I had some other dealings through the years and she thought I needed more - like an RX - so she sent me to a psychiatrist. I guess each of them helped some but mostly just by getting me out of my house - and out of me. No Rx med from the psychiatrist helped at all - the ones he prescribed just didnโt cure what was wrong with me.
I finally did reach out to a priest that had been sent our way during the last few weeks of my husbandโs life under hospice. I will say that this person was kind and listened to my words, sometimes kind of crazy words and sobs - it was a group type thing but many times, it was just him and me.
It was the anger that got to me really bad - I screamed a lot - I played music really loud to get out of my head. I drove too fast on those open country roads. I think I was on a path of self-destruction for a while.
The priest used some 12-step slogans on me and still to this day, they still apply when I get out of sorts -
H.A.L.T - never get too HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY OR TIRED - before you reach out.
ONE DAY AT A TIME - thatโs all you have to manage - thatโs after you build up from one minute at a time.
Then in 2008 I joined this board and started to do what I could to help people out with their various problems with Social Security / Medicare or other stuff to which I could relate.
I donโt remember exactly when I started to feel normal again- it just happened very slowly - I started handling other life stuff and time just marched on - but it still only takes a post like the one you made for me to remember how it was but also how I am today -
OH, I still miss him dearly and the plans that we had made for living our golden years together. But I am thankful for all those years that we had together living as a couple and doing the things we loved to do. I was 57 when my husband died.
Sure, see someone if for no other reason than just to get it out, if that is what you think you need to do -
Come here if you want to just let it out - we are just reading your comment so we donโt know how loud you are screaming them - no judgement cause those that visit this board know how it is.
But do reach out somehow, someway cause keeping it all in makes for a boil over. Time is gonna be the best healer - but it takes steps to get that time in - spend time outside of your home where you are not alone. I spent hours at the grocery store just to be around others.
My heart aches for you - Grief is a process - some say there are 5-levels: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I donโt know - I donโt remember denial or bargaining. Just anger, depression and I guess, acceptance.
Take care of yourself as best you can. Come back to share how you are doing too.
It's Always Something . . . . Roseanna Roseannadanna
