🕯 A Place To Be With OTHERS Who Are Grieving! WE support each other.

[Winter2024]

THIS GROUP IS OPEN TO ALL GRIEVERS NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN [years,days].

To participate, click on reply button at bottom of this post. Enter your comment. Click on reply again.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

[MarcyW882921]

No regular chorus news since I missed last week while traveling. I will be doing another short term thing with another choral group beginning next month and ending with a show in February. I'm looking forward to singing and performing with a mixed group.

Marcy

[Winter2024]

Bionic Marcy @MarcyW882921 , missing you and know you "is" having FUN with your family up North.

Luv you VERY MUCH,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[MarcyW882921]

Thank you for missing me. It was great to see my family in person and also great to be back home! I am off to the courts this morning to resume my "normal" life.😂🎾

Marcy

[Winter2024]

🗣  Group Discussion: Any NATURE FOLKS out there?  📸  Attachment  📸  They say it HEALS our "insides" and "encourages" as we MOVE FORWARD. Hmmm, are you maybe gardening - taking walks outside and so on? Stop by when YOU feel up to it and SHARE your experience. I luv gardening but scared of SNAKES!!!  😱😱😱

[Winter2024]

Cadee @Cadee2719 , LAST year 2023 when we were chatting about my interest in the MOON - you had mentioned having had a TELESCOPE in the past. Was it one of those HUGE ones? Yes, after diverting from my STUDIES for a FEW MONTHS (dealing with a.sholes ABOVE me & more water leaks in my apt  🙄),  I am FINALLY ready to get back ON TRACK!!!  💃💃💃

Thanks my friend.

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[Cadee2719]

  No it was my grandson's telescope, not a really big one.  Now I am looking for binoculars so I can sit at my dining room window and identify all the birds that come to my feeder.  I figure when it snows and I am "held captive" in my home I can entertain myself by bird watching!  

[Winter2024]

🐦  I had just heard a bird chirping away in spite of this NEVER ending RAIN and was "reminded" of a few things. One, this bird is HAPPY in spite of being drenched. I DO NOT need to go to Dollar tree TODAY, an "addiction" of YEARS. Yes, EVERY payday before RETIRING - I would be in the store. Well, I "is" NOW retired and "inherited" a cat who NEEDS luv, food and a home when he "decides" to stop by. Of late I guess he considers me Mom and as usual, spends the day with me. Lol, but 10pm - see you until breakfast in the morning. My ROAM at night boy. Nature saved me from "messing" up my budget TODAY and has been a SOURCE of comfort throughout the years.  💃💃💃

[Winter2024]

OUR MEMBERS HELPING MEMBERS TEAM  🤗🤗🤗

Julie @JulieT507376 , Jonibee @jonibee , Cadee @Cadee2719 , MC @mc6844 and Marcy @MarcyW882921 , Lisa @LisaJP6763 and Nicole (me).

[Cadee2719]

  Morning to all!  It breaks my heart to think that Julie is going through the same journey as we are.  I pray that she will take One Step At a Time and be kind to herself.  It seems as if life continues to be a struggle and we must be strong to survive.  My brother (the reason why I moved here) was rushed to the hospital.  He had fallen in the bathroom and caused damage to the orbital bone around his eye!  While in the hospital they discovered that he was having heart issues as well. (something that every member of my family died from)   They think that is what made him fall.  I am glad that they are taking care of all these issues and pray that he will be released soon.  All he asked of me is to bring him cabbage rolls!  😂  He is the last sibling of seven and I don't want to lose him.   

[Winter2024]

SENDING LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS YOUR WAY!!!  🤗🤗🤗

Julie @JulieT507376 , Jonibee @jonibee , Cadee @Cadee2719 , MC @mc6844 and Marcy @MarcyW882921 , Lisa @LisaJP6763 .

[jonibee]

My follow up visit showed that the surgery procedure did what was expected and the leg should show improvement over the next month..I also found out that I may have what they call "Baker's Cyst" where the legs bend a fluid build-up with extra attention as to what causes the sudden onset of pain such as Arthrities, salty foods, and other things  refraining and laying on ones side using cold or heat and taking Ibeprofen or Motrin should help with pain. Or see an Orthopedic for further tx...Always something to contend with..I go back in a month for release and then another appt. for other leg to be done...I find that after going to the doctors, it poops me out literally and I am good for nothing the rest of the day...Oh well, there's always tomorrow and what that brings..

[Cadee2719]

  I finally got an appointment with a family doctor in December.  I am hoping that she can diagnose the pain in my legs.  I had an ultrasound last year and they said the blood flow was fine BUT the pain is intense, so much so that I actually thought I had a blood clot in one leg.  When I finally got to see the cardiologist (after 3 months!) he said if it were a blood clot the leg would be red and warm.  I am hoping that I can find someone to diagnose why all this pain in my legs.

[Winter2024]

[9/16/24] Cadee @Cadee2719 , could it be arithis (spelling off  🙄) or a cyst like Jonibee @jonibee ?  🤔

Luv you my friend,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

---

[*** CADEE wrote: I finally got an appointment with a family doctor in December.  I am hoping that she can diagnose the pain in my legs.  I had an ultrasound last year and they said the blood flow was fine BUT the pain is intense, so much so that I actually thought I had a blood clot in one leg.  When I finally got to see the cardiologist (after 3 months!) he said if it were a blood clot the leg would be red and warm.  I am hoping that I can find someone to diagnose why all this pain in my legs. ***]

---

[jonibee]

Cadee..Make an appt. with a vascular doctor and they will do ultra sounds again on  your leg(s) and determine whether or not it could be the veins Venous Reflux where the valves don't work like they should ..Atleast this would be ruled out for you ..Meanwhile prop your legs up when you can and use cool or warm to ease the pain .Good Luck..jonibee

[Cadee2719]

  Thank You   I will begin the search for a vascular doctor.  I hope it won't take months to complete this.  It takes forever to get into a doctor here.  I know I have rheumatoid arthritis, BUT the pain in my legs is EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME as soon as I get out of bed.  Thank You for the information.  I hope that you are recovering well and have resolved the problem.  

[Winter2024]

[9/16/24] So Jonibee @jonibee , will the CYST go away with a LIFESTYLE change?  🤔

Luv you my friend,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

---

[*** JONIBEE wrote: My follow up visit showed that the surgery procedure did what was expected and the leg should show improvement over the next month..I also found out that I may have what they call "Baker's Cyst" where the legs bend a fluid build-up with extra attention as to what causes the sudden onset of pain such as Arthrities, salty foods, and other things  refraining and laying on ones side using cold or heat and taking Ibeprofen or Motrin should help with pain. Or see an Orthopedic for further tx...Always something to contend with..I go back in a month for release and then another appt. for other leg to be done...I find that after going to the doctors, it poops me out literally and I am good for nothing the rest of the day...Oh well, there's always tomorrow and what that brings.. ***]

---

[jonibee]

It can and if it doesn't then an Orthopedic doctor would assess it and sometimes the fluid can be drained off to alleviate the pain..I notice it more when I retire to bed and when laying on my back so I will turn on my side and take a pill if it pains. If you google "Baker's Cysts" a whole lot of ingo comes up including exercise and what to eat so not to add to it..like omitting salty items which makes water and certain other foods aggravate it too..Also wear compression stockings ...

[Winter2024]

How are YOU???

It's MONDAY = neighbors ABOVE me returned to work after a WEEKEND FROM H.LL with them!!! Happy Dance TRIPLE time. 💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃

I am getting BETTER at being "patient" about MOVING = waiting on laid off daughter to "figure out" WHERE her next job is before I move "closer" to her. Lol, but I still have MY MOMENTS of wanting to do bodily harm to them when they are driving me crazy.  🤣😂

Well, Kroger as usual today to shop (NOT too much, VERY EXPENSIVE  😭), cash in one of my WINNING $1 scratch-off tickets.

Also what I call a CAT BROOM DAY as Mr.  🐈  thinks he OWNS my Studio Apt and on those days when I am NOT at home ALL DAY (retired) he REFUSES to go outside when I am LEAVING apt.  🙄🙄🙄  1st time back in May of this year when I "inherited" him, lol - he looked at me & broom like I AM SO NOT SCARED OF YOU. Then fought the broom. Sorry my boy, cannot leave you inside as you will lose it and hurt yourself. Nope, determined to come and go ALL DAY. But the GOOD NEWS, after that BATTLE in May - all I have to do now is bring out my broom when I am ready to leave and OUT HE GOES.  👍👍👍

Everyone, please keep OUR Julie @JulieT507376 in your thoughts. ANOTHER "difficult" day for our friend.  😭😭😭  NOW TO HOPE life gives her a much needed break from Family Funerals.

Luv you ALL very much,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[Cadee2719]

  HAPPINESS IS BEING OWNED BY A CAT!  😁  My son is having a similiar experience.  There is a cat (with a collar) that comes into his home and visits on a regular basis.  The previous owners had two indoor cats and my son thinks this cat is a friend that visited often.  Funny there are no feral cats in my neighborhood.  I am still questioning whether or not I want a pet to care for.  After being a caregiver since 2001 and especially the last 7 months of Hospice Care,  I honestly don't want to care for anything, even a plant right now.

[Winter2024]

📸  Attachment  📸  [9/15/24] Those "small" steps WE sometimes take DO COUNT!!! 🙂

[JulieT507376]

Funeral done now internment tomorrow at national cemetery.  My iPhone pops up slide shows periodically.  Tonight a selfie from nine months before Mark passed popped up.  His smile was full of love.  Don’t recall seeing the photo before or even know where it was taken.  I know he’s here with me!  I need him soooo much.  

[Winter2024]

[9/15/24] A QUESTION FOR OUR TWO AARP EXPERTS!!!  🤗🤗🤗

Hi Amy @agoyer and Jane @JaneCares .

I HOPE you are BOTH well and thank you SO MUCH for stopping by the AARP Grief & Loss Forum to help us.  👍👍👍

What has HELPED you to MOVE FORWARD after losing someone you CARED about?

*** Does anyone else have a QUESTION for these two caring and compassionate AARP Experts? ***

Thanks,

Nicole (Grief Support Group)

[agoyer]

@Winter2024 After caregiving for both of my parents and my sister for many years (more than a decade) I had a very difficult time adjusting after they had all passed on. After Dad died (he was the last one) I was numb for a few months. Then slowly unthawed. It took about 3 yrs before I felt more like myself. I wrote this column about what it felt like. Life After Caregiving: The Unexpected Beginning. I hope it will be helpful for some of you to see how I managed and found meaning in my life again. Now - Dad has been gone 6 years, Mom since 2013 and my sister Karen since 2014. My niece died in 2012 from suicide - she was just 19 years old. I still think about them all every day. My life will never be the same, but I can feel joy and I have things I look forward to and I have meaning in my life. ❤️  There is hope! And I do have moments now when I smile when I think of them, a good memory comes to mind before I feel sad about missing them. The anguish gets better - or really we just learn to handle it differently over time. Time doesn't extinguish the anguish and sadness and loss, it helps us put it in a place where we can deal with it. Acknowledge it, while also living our lives and feeling joy and love and having fun. It can all co-exist. One doesn't cancel out the other. 

Take care,

Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert

[mc6844]

Amy, thank you for your article. You progressed  through it all to a place of

peace and hope. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's true that   life is never the same.

[MarcyW882921]

Amy @agoyer ,

Thank you for your article. There were many things I could relate to and it was helpful to see my feelings expressed in your words.

Marcy

[Cadee2719]

  Amy, Thank You for your article.  You have given me comfort by explaining your journey. I was a caregiver for over 20 years after my husband had a stroke and then he spent the last seven months in Home Hospice Care dying of lung cancer.  We married at a very young age and were married 61 years when he died.  I had NEVER lived alone and it was frightening for me to be alone when he died.  Hospice Care was very hard both emotionally and physically but I wanted to care for him.  The nurse that came twice a week finally sat me down and explained that I was working so hard to keep him alive and that I had to accept the reality that he is dying.  I could not and would not accept the reality that he was going to die.  Once he did, it was unsafe to remain in my home and I prepared to move out of state to be near my remaining sibling, my brother.  I kept flying to the new state and looking for a home.  My remaining son came with me.  I then began to pack up the house I lived in for over 45 years.  I moved into my new home in April, 2024.  What your article has taught me is that I kept myself SO BUSY since the day my husband, son & brother died that I have yet to mourn their loss.   Yes, I took care of the move, the financial, et. al BUT one year and 9 months later I have yet to deal with the loss, the loneliness, the helplessness, the emptiness in my life. I have dealt with the need to take care of myself and schedule doctor appointments and I have been a member of this group and with their help I have learned to TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME.  Without them, I would not be here today.  I feel guilty that I am still mourning. I really don't talk to anyone (but my friends on this site) about my feelings. My son still has not dealt with the pain of losing his brother, Dad and Uncle and I do not want to burden him.  Thank You for your article.  You TRULY understand the depth of loss and have helped me to understand that I am STILL healing or maybe I am just truly beginning the process.  I have printed your article and I will read it to remind me that it is ok to cry, to be sad, to miss those that I love and pray that one day I can think of them and smile and remember the happy times.  I realize that now that life has slowed down for me it is time.  Thank You ❤️

[agoyer]

@Cadee2719   Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I feel very connected  - our losses tend to connect us don't you think? And our joys can do that too. 

So many losses - multiple loved ones including your spouse of so many years, your child, your brother...AND the loss of your role as caregiver, spouse, mom, sister, AND the loss of your home of 45 years. It's a lot to deal with. 

You mention that you've kept busy - please understand that's ok - it was probably the best coping you could do - and not a bad coping skill. Now you are more ready. 

I hear you trying to protect your son by not sharing how you are feeling. I understand this instinct. On the other hand, he is grieving too. Maybe he needs someone to grieve with as much as you do. Maybe he needs permission to be sad, or talk about them. Maybe it would be helpful for you to be honest with each other, or for you to be a role model in terms of getting help for your grief. Just something to think about...

About feeling guilty that you are still mourning...please try to remember that there is no timeline for grief and mourning. No two losses are alike. No two relationship are alike. No two people are alike. So it makes sense that there is no "standard" way to grieve or timeline for it. In many ways, we grieve for the rest of our lives. That doesn't mean we are miserable the rest of our lives. But we will always miss them. So please acknowledge the guilt and consciously release it - it's not serving you and it doesn't help anyone else. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't "still" be mourning is either worried about you and doesn't know what to say, or is unsure how to help, which makes them uncomfortable so THEY would rather you be done with it. They are selfish. They may be doing their best. Many people just don't deal with emotions so they don't always say or do what is really most supportive. Bottom line - you really have nothing to feel guilty about or be ashamed of! It's really not been very long at all! And you have been doing great in so many ways! Making all the changes you've made! So many people would never be able to do that! 

Reading your post, I'm so proud of you! Fully feel what you feel. Go forth one step at a time! You are a very strong person. You can feel good about that! 

Big hugs to you! 

Take care,

Amy 

[Cadee2719]

 Amy, Thank You for responding to me.  I agree that my son and I need to talk about our loss.  He is a therapist and I am confused as to why he won't and can't do this.  I have offered that both of us go to counseling and he refuses.  Currently he is in the beginning of a new job here and overwhelmed with the change.  He appears to be "angry" at me and I know not why.  I am thinking that my decision to move to another state to be near my brother and his decision to move with me may be the reason  Currently I am dealing with my remaining brother who has a heart issue which caused him to fall and break his nose and damage his eye so badly that he will lose sight in it.  The surgery on his eye can only be done in Utah or in my location.  I am going down this weekend to care for him and help his wife.  Once the surgery is scheduled they will both come to my home and I will take him to his doctor's appointments and care for him.  Once that is completed they will need to stop his heart to correct the rhythm.  It seems like my role in life is to be a caregiver (as it was for you).  Once I help him through this healing process, I fully intend to deal with my health issues which are wearing me out and probably one of the reasons I am struggling right now.  Your article emphasized the fact that I have to heal (and I have not) and what I must do to accomplish this.  It was a blessing to have the opportunity to read your article at a time I needed it most.  I WANT to heal, I WANT to find happiness and peace.  I am so happy that you are joining your boyfriend and planning a happy future for yourself.  You DESERVE it.   You have many years ahead of you to enjoy the benefits of your kindness to others.  ❤️

[MarcyW882921]

Cadee @Cadee2719 , 

I agree with Amy about continuing to take care of your own health while helping out your brother and sister-in-law. I believe I didn't do enough self-care while providing care for my husband and it reduced my ability to provide the highest level of caregiving. It is something I regret and hope that I have learned from as I go forward with life.

Marcy

[agoyer]

@Cadee2719 I guess everyone grieves in their own way and own time. I wonder if your son is getting any counseling himself. Sometimes it's like "the plumber whose pipes leak" - we don't take advantage of our own knowledge and career to help ourselves! All. you can do is be kind, empathetic, respectful of his boundaries and be clear that you love him, you care, you want your relationship to improve and you need help with this grieving process. And you can go to counseling on your own - good role model! 

One thing - I urge you to do your best to take care of your own health issues as you care for your brother - it doesn't have to be either/or. You can at least keep the ball rolling on your own issues. Make one doctor appointment, or schedule labs etc. It's so much easier to do if we get it on the calendar. Putting the whole thing off until he is "ok" isn't going to help you care for him. Does that make sense? It may take you longer to get answers to your own health issues, but you can get moving in the right direction. So many of us learn the hard way that putting off all of our own health concerns doesn't pay off in the end and doesn't make us a better caregiver. In fact it can result in such bad health issues that we can't care for our loved ones! So please consider making a step every week toward your own health care - can you do that? 

I'm so glad my column was helpful - we all have to help each other! Your intention to heal is EVERYTHING - you want to heal, you want to feel happiness and joy, you want to be healthy mentally and physically. That intention can propel you forward. It takes a lot to get to the point of WANTING to feel happiness so that's great! You've made it this far! Well done! One step at a time 🙂 

Is my life perfect now? Of course not! But I feel increasingly happy and able to feel joy because I've made a huge effort to do that. Dad's been gone 5 yrs (and everyone else before that) and my two sisters and I who are left are doing our best to heal, live life to the fullest, improve our relationships and create joy. 

You've got this!!! 😍