🕯 A Place To Be With OTHERS Who Are Grieving! WE support each other.

[Winter2024]

THIS GROUP IS OPEN TO ALL GRIEVERS NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN [years,days].

To participate, click on reply button at bottom of this post. Enter your comment. Click on reply again.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

[Cadee2719]

  Amy, Thank You for your article.  You have given me comfort by explaining your journey. I was a caregiver for over 20 years after my husband had a stroke and then he spent the last seven months in Home Hospice Care dying of lung cancer.  We married at a very young age and were married 61 years when he died.  I had NEVER lived alone and it was frightening for me to be alone when he died.  Hospice Care was very hard both emotionally and physically but I wanted to care for him.  The nurse that came twice a week finally sat me down and explained that I was working so hard to keep him alive and that I had to accept the reality that he is dying.  I could not and would not accept the reality that he was going to die.  Once he did, it was unsafe to remain in my home and I prepared to move out of state to be near my remaining sibling, my brother.  I kept flying to the new state and looking for a home.  My remaining son came with me.  I then began to pack up the house I lived in for over 45 years.  I moved into my new home in April, 2024.  What your article has taught me is that I kept myself SO BUSY since the day my husband, son & brother died that I have yet to mourn their loss.   Yes, I took care of the move, the financial, et. al BUT one year and 9 months later I have yet to deal with the loss, the loneliness, the helplessness, the emptiness in my life. I have dealt with the need to take care of myself and schedule doctor appointments and I have been a member of this group and with their help I have learned to TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME.  Without them, I would not be here today.  I feel guilty that I am still mourning. I really don't talk to anyone (but my friends on this site) about my feelings. My son still has not dealt with the pain of losing his brother, Dad and Uncle and I do not want to burden him.  Thank You for your article.  You TRULY understand the depth of loss and have helped me to understand that I am STILL healing or maybe I am just truly beginning the process.  I have printed your article and I will read it to remind me that it is ok to cry, to be sad, to miss those that I love and pray that one day I can think of them and smile and remember the happy times.  I realize that now that life has slowed down for me it is time.  Thank You ❤️

[agoyer]

@Cadee2719   Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I feel very connected  - our losses tend to connect us don't you think? And our joys can do that too. 

So many losses - multiple loved ones including your spouse of so many years, your child, your brother...AND the loss of your role as caregiver, spouse, mom, sister, AND the loss of your home of 45 years. It's a lot to deal with. 

You mention that you've kept busy - please understand that's ok - it was probably the best coping you could do - and not a bad coping skill. Now you are more ready. 

I hear you trying to protect your son by not sharing how you are feeling. I understand this instinct. On the other hand, he is grieving too. Maybe he needs someone to grieve with as much as you do. Maybe he needs permission to be sad, or talk about them. Maybe it would be helpful for you to be honest with each other, or for you to be a role model in terms of getting help for your grief. Just something to think about...

About feeling guilty that you are still mourning...please try to remember that there is no timeline for grief and mourning. No two losses are alike. No two relationship are alike. No two people are alike. So it makes sense that there is no "standard" way to grieve or timeline for it. In many ways, we grieve for the rest of our lives. That doesn't mean we are miserable the rest of our lives. But we will always miss them. So please acknowledge the guilt and consciously release it - it's not serving you and it doesn't help anyone else. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't "still" be mourning is either worried about you and doesn't know what to say, or is unsure how to help, which makes them uncomfortable so THEY would rather you be done with it. They are selfish. They may be doing their best. Many people just don't deal with emotions so they don't always say or do what is really most supportive. Bottom line - you really have nothing to feel guilty about or be ashamed of! It's really not been very long at all! And you have been doing great in so many ways! Making all the changes you've made! So many people would never be able to do that! 

Reading your post, I'm so proud of you! Fully feel what you feel. Go forth one step at a time! You are a very strong person. You can feel good about that! 

Big hugs to you! 

Take care,

Amy 

[Cadee2719]

 Amy, Thank You for responding to me.  I agree that my son and I need to talk about our loss.  He is a therapist and I am confused as to why he won't and can't do this.  I have offered that both of us go to counseling and he refuses.  Currently he is in the beginning of a new job here and overwhelmed with the change.  He appears to be "angry" at me and I know not why.  I am thinking that my decision to move to another state to be near my brother and his decision to move with me may be the reason  Currently I am dealing with my remaining brother who has a heart issue which caused him to fall and break his nose and damage his eye so badly that he will lose sight in it.  The surgery on his eye can only be done in Utah or in my location.  I am going down this weekend to care for him and help his wife.  Once the surgery is scheduled they will both come to my home and I will take him to his doctor's appointments and care for him.  Once that is completed they will need to stop his heart to correct the rhythm.  It seems like my role in life is to be a caregiver (as it was for you).  Once I help him through this healing process, I fully intend to deal with my health issues which are wearing me out and probably one of the reasons I am struggling right now.  Your article emphasized the fact that I have to heal (and I have not) and what I must do to accomplish this.  It was a blessing to have the opportunity to read your article at a time I needed it most.  I WANT to heal, I WANT to find happiness and peace.  I am so happy that you are joining your boyfriend and planning a happy future for yourself.  You DESERVE it.   You have many years ahead of you to enjoy the benefits of your kindness to others.  ❤️

[MarcyW882921]

Cadee @Cadee2719 , 

I agree with Amy about continuing to take care of your own health while helping out your brother and sister-in-law. I believe I didn't do enough self-care while providing care for my husband and it reduced my ability to provide the highest level of caregiving. It is something I regret and hope that I have learned from as I go forward with life.

Marcy

[agoyer]

@Cadee2719 I guess everyone grieves in their own way and own time. I wonder if your son is getting any counseling himself. Sometimes it's like "the plumber whose pipes leak" - we don't take advantage of our own knowledge and career to help ourselves! All. you can do is be kind, empathetic, respectful of his boundaries and be clear that you love him, you care, you want your relationship to improve and you need help with this grieving process. And you can go to counseling on your own - good role model! 

One thing - I urge you to do your best to take care of your own health issues as you care for your brother - it doesn't have to be either/or. You can at least keep the ball rolling on your own issues. Make one doctor appointment, or schedule labs etc. It's so much easier to do if we get it on the calendar. Putting the whole thing off until he is "ok" isn't going to help you care for him. Does that make sense? It may take you longer to get answers to your own health issues, but you can get moving in the right direction. So many of us learn the hard way that putting off all of our own health concerns doesn't pay off in the end and doesn't make us a better caregiver. In fact it can result in such bad health issues that we can't care for our loved ones! So please consider making a step every week toward your own health care - can you do that? 

I'm so glad my column was helpful - we all have to help each other! Your intention to heal is EVERYTHING - you want to heal, you want to feel happiness and joy, you want to be healthy mentally and physically. That intention can propel you forward. It takes a lot to get to the point of WANTING to feel happiness so that's great! You've made it this far! Well done! One step at a time 🙂 

Is my life perfect now? Of course not! But I feel increasingly happy and able to feel joy because I've made a huge effort to do that. Dad's been gone 5 yrs (and everyone else before that) and my two sisters and I who are left are doing our best to heal, live life to the fullest, improve our relationships and create joy. 

You've got this!!! 😍

[Winter2024]

🙏  OUR PRAYER LIST!!!

Jonibee @jonibee , just had surgery - for a SPEEDY RECOVERY.  🤗🤗🤗

Julie @JulieT507376 , family funeral YESTERDAY - FOR PEACE & COMFORT.  🤗🤗🤗

Cadee @Cadee2719 , trouble walking and chronic pain - FIND OUT CAUSE & SOLUTION.  🤗🤗🤗

Marcy @MarcyW882921 , migraines - THEY STAY AWAY FOREVER.  🤗🤗🤗

*** Anyone else? ***

[jonibee]

I  go for the final follow up tomorrow and the leg seems to be healing well from the procedure though I do have a question  regarding the pain where the leg bends as I wake up stiff there ever morning and it takes a well to "work the kink out"...Hopefully this will subside with the passing of time..The other leg procedure has to wait until a scheduled appt. after Jan due to bacup of others before me..Thank You for thinking of me...

[Winter2024]

🗣  Group Discussion: Share a RECIPE and/or ASK for one!!!

📸  Attachment  📸

[Cadee2719]

  Here is something new I have tried: 

Baked Egg Tortilla

l large tortilla

3 large eggs (beaten)

1/3 cup cottage cheese

1/2 large bell pepper finely chopped

Handful of spinach finely chopped

 Salt & Pepper

 1/3 cup grated cheese

 Preheat oven 425.  Place tortilla in pie dish.   Mix eggs, cottage cheese, S & P  Top evenly with bell pepper, spinach and sprinkle with cheese.  Bake till middle is set and edges are golden brown.  Cut with pizza cutter and enjoy.  You can add whatever vegetables you enjoy (mushrooms, zucchini, and even sausage.

[MarcyW882921]

I tried this recipe and loved it. Thanks Cadee @Cadee2719 !

Marcy

[Winter2024]

👋  GOOD Morning Everyone!!!

How are YOU?

Dear Julie @JulieT507376 , I am HERE for YOU if you need me before and/or after TODAY's funeral.  🤗🤗🤗  and  🤗🤗🤗

Today is a "stay in my bed" UNLESS something changes. Took my blood pressure med and old lady's multi in an EFFORT to take meds on time. Chlolestral tonight when I do my hourly walk inside my Studio Apt. Had a VERY ROUGH night of sadness BUT knowing Mr.  🐈  would be SCRATCHING the s.it out of my door IF I didnot feed him, made me get up./lol   🤣😂  My Cat Alarm that NEVER SHUTS OFF OR SNOOZE until I open my door for his breakfast. My boy!!!

Everyone, I HOPE today brings GOOD stuff your way.

Heading now to make a much needed cup of coffee.

Luv you ALL very much,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[Cadee2719]

Morning Nicole ❤️   I have been dealing with some medical issues.  My rheumatologist requires me to get blood test for him to continue the medication till I see my new doctor.  He called and said I had to go to Urgent Care as I have a serious infection!  Went and they put me on Cipra, a strong antibiotic.  Took it one day and I had a horrible headache and my blood pressure shot up to 208/100!  Back to Urgent Care and they took me off of the Cipra (too powerful).  So, I have been taking it easy.  I have decided to go off of the medication prescribed by the rheumatologist as the cure is worse than the disease. (chemo medication)     I will wait until I see my new doctor here and proceed with care at that time.   Today is my son's birthday, so I baked him a cake!  The night before I experienced my FIRST thunder and lightening storm.  It only lasted about 15 minutes.  I have always been so afraid of thunder and lightening when I lived in Pennsylvania so it was an experience for me.  It wasn't so bad. (I guess I am growing up)  I am so glad that those of us on this site are taking care of ourselves.  In November, I will be 81 (still kicking) but I know that I have to focus on taking care of myself.  I am not certain if all of my issues have surfaced because I have finally settled in after my move and notice them, or if I AM FALLING APART!!  🤣  In the next 3 months I will see my new doctors and hopefully get the answers and care I need.  Until then I encourage everyone to get their check ups and TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.  ❤️

[Winter2024]

🗣  Group Discussion: VOLUNTEERING can be FUN and may help with your HEALING!!!  💃💃💃

I know Marcy @MarcyW882921 does. Anyone else?

[Winter2024]

Marcy @MarcyW882921  , what TYPE of "volunteering" have YOU been doing? 🤔

*** The challenge for me THIS YEAR 2024 is to FIGURE out a way to "volunteer" WITHOUT the "drama & control" of the past [Homeless Shelter, Animal Rescue Group]. Lol, becoming a HERMIT in my old age. ***

I finally figured out my [3] interest - Virginia Penguins. [1] has always been helping the Homeless Vets here in Virginia. And [2] Providing Therapy Dogs for PTSD vets.

The penguins are at the Virginia Safari Park. It is about ONE HOUR from me and my daughter's ONLY visit (2019) to my location I was taken there for my birthday. AWESOME place. You can drive through the property which we did. Lol, she chauffered and between enjoyment and surprise (some animals would NOT move to let us through) it is a MEMORY that will last a lifetime.

Nicole  ‌🤗‌‌🤗‌‌🤗‌

[MarcyW882921]

Nicole @Winter2024 ,

Yesterday I went to a training for poll workers and will be volunteering with the county. Tomorrow I am making sandwiches for a couple of religious groups that provide food for people who are food insecure. Next week I will volunteer serving food for the same groups.

I have served ice cream to children in low socioeconomic after school programs, filled baskets for hospice patients, sorted food at a food pantry, and delivered hoiday gifts to people who don't get out. Less formally, I visit a neighbor who has a full-time live-in aide and run errands for another friend whose mobility has been challenged.

Marcy

Marcy

[JulieT507376]

Before Mark died I made quilts for Lutheran World Relief.  I haven’t sewn anything since he’s passed.  Someday I’ll sew again!  I would like to start with baby bibs for my 6 month old great grandson ❤️. Someday I’ll figure out how to move on without him. Tomorrow is mother in-laws funeral to think about.  

[MarcyW882921]

Julie @JulieT507376 ,

If you sewed before and it brought you joy, I have faith that you will do it again. Making quilts for Lutheran World Relief sounds like a project that has potential for providing therapeutic benefit for you and bringing warmth and comfort to the recipients. Beginning with baby bibs is a great idea too. Take reasonable sized steps that feel right for you.

Marcy

[Cadee2719]

  Julie I am sorry for your loss.  My friends on this site have walked me through the loss of three people within months.  They have made it possible to survive and taught me several valuable lessons.  I don't know what I would do without them.  Take ONE STEP AT A TIME.  Be KIND TO YOURSELF.  DO WHAT MAKES "YOU" COMFORTABLE.  MAKE CERTAIN THAT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND SEE THAT ALL YOUR MEDICAL NEEDS ARE TAKEN CARE OF.  I was a caregiver to my husband and focused all of my attention on him while in home hospice.  Now I discover that there are several medical issues I neglected and have to tend to.  In the last two years I have discovered that I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I am also discovering "who" I actually am.  I miss my husband, son and brother every day, but among the many tears, I am beginning to smile when I think of them.  Bless You Julie

[JulieT507376]

Nicole, That’s amazing you remembered Mark’s mom funeral.  It’s this Saturday.  My family is still mourning over the loss of my great granddaughter’s death two weeks ago and then yesterday an uncle passed away from Covid.  It seems to never end for my family.  Saturday should be almost unbearable for the loved ones to gather together to with so many not with us.  
On a happier note something about me…I try to stay busy canning and freeze drying food.  It was for my husband and me.  Now I just give it to family. I loved to feed my husband❤️🥰

[Winter2024]

🗣  Group Discussion: Have you had times when LIFE helped you out?

Well it did TODAY at Walmart for ME.

Ran into another OLD PERSON at Walmart who use to be pre-diabetic like I am.

Going to the GYM everyday allows him to eat what he wants.

Gosh, I am NOW not so discouraged.

Lol, felt like I had a LIFETIME jail sentence.

So THANKS to a stranger for ADDING a Happy Dance to my day!!!  💃💃💃

Luv you ALL,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[jonibee]

I know how you feel as I am diabetic ..it's just finding what works for you to get that blood sugar count low and stationary..My week is filled with appts 3 this week..I just want to get them pared down to primary and cardiologist more of a well being than a have to see this one for test and more test..It's so tiring and stressful..My BP always goes up "white collar syndrome"..I just want to be able to enjoy life for what it is..Stop and smell the roses literally...

[Winter2024]

How is EVERYONE doing?

Jonibee @jonibee , MC @mc6844 , Julie @JulieT507376 , Cadee @Cadee2719 and Marcy @MarcyW882921  - I am here IF anyone needs me as usual.

Heading to Kroger later on. Got up at 6:30am ET to feed you know who. Wet food day much to his pleasure. I also have dry food days = good for what teeth he has. On those days, he is NOT happy with me and stalks me ALL DAY complaining. But finally eats when he is starving. My spoilt boy!!!  🙄🙄🙄

FIND YOUR PEACE AND DREAMS TODAY!!!  💃💃💃

We have made it this far and will CONTINUE on....

*** Don't forget we have a FREE Online Event for Members & Non-Members in 3 more days. Any questions, ask - be happy to help.  🙃  ***

TO ALL OUR MIA's and grievers, I HOPE you stop by when you feel up to it.

Luv you ALL very much,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[Cadee2719]

  Good Morning All.  Nicole I am so glad that you got that cat.  He keeps you on your toes.  😁  No there are no feral cats around my home to take care of.  However, there are a lot of kids and they make me laugh every day.  My little friend, Cooper is coming to make cookies with me.  i went out and purchased sprinkles galore, icing, etc. to decorate.  Yesterday my brother called to tell me that he and his wife will come and spend Christmas with me which makes me happy.  I am still hoping that my grandson will come to visit for Thanksgiving.  I will be doing a lot of baking and cooking and I am glad.  My daughter-in-law got the gravestone for my son's grave.  I have arranged for flowers to be delivered each month to both my husband and son's graves.   October 30 will be 2 years since I lost my husband,  November 25 would have been our 63rd. wedding anniversary so it will be nice to have the distraction of people I love being here with me.  The pain in my legs is still a mystery, unresolved.  I see the rheumatologist in November and a family doctor in December.  It has taken me MONTHS to get these appointments.  This has been the most difficult part of my move to a new state.  Also I did not know how affected we would be by the fires/smoke from Oregon, Canada and California!!  Spent the whole month of August indoors with an air purifier running.  Still adapting to new surroundings and experiences.  Learning something new each day.  I hope that you are able to find a place that you love, feel safe in and are at peace.  Luv ya! ❤️

[jonibee]

I am slowly recooperating the leg felt better yesterday but today is a little stiff feeling of course the compression stocking tends to feel tight in places..I go for 1st follow up and will see what phys. asst. says..I did do walking around the yard and pulled some over growth left  from Irises perhaps that's the reason of stiffness...My daughter and I will start walking on harder surfaces which should benefit both of us..To All may your troubles deminish and have a good day...

[Cadee2719]

  Glad that all went well for you.  Amazed that you are already up and walking around!  What was involved with the surgery?  Wishing you well.

[jonibee]

It sounds worse than it is..A four step process...consultation, ultra sound on leg, mapping of vien, procedure  and 2 follow-ups with another ultrasound before final consult..They have to do an incision to use electrode to cauterize the existing vein giving a series of injection along the leg with Lidocaine it numbs the leg it feels like a series of bee stings  but doesn't last ..the whole procedure takes about 45 min. You take a sedative an hour before procedure and take another if needed to but you in a relax state as stress causes tightening of the veins..After procedure you take Ibeprofen if needed 200 to 400 grams. Wear compression stocking or ace bandage from groin to ankle for 24 hours and every day for 2 weeks taking it off at bed time..If any hardness, swelling or pain you would call the doctor' office..The compression stockng are to halp against blood clotting.. You must walk around during the day to get the blood moving and I propped my leg (s) up when sitting, reclining ...I am due to have the other leg done when scheduling allows...Your health insurance needs to be pre approved for this procedure it is called Closure Fast Procedure for Varicose Veins...It's not knowing what is involved that is scary but once you know what is involved you can go with the flow..literallyi...

[Winter2024]

👣👣👣  Keep stepping!!!

[Winter2024]

🗣  GROUP DISCUSSION: Do YOU get signs from your luv ones?

In my "very humble" opinion, I feel IF we get quiet and just BE - our luv ones will let us know they are WITH US.

Now NOT everyone's WITH US will be the same.

[Winter2024]

MY RESPONSE: I will start this discussion with my DAILY reminder and HOPE others will also SHARE. Hey, your story may ENCOURAGE someone TODAY/TONIGHT!!!  🤗🤗🤗

As a child I dealt with an alcoholic father who beat my mother daily. Climbing up in a HUGE tree to escape, read and nap was my ESCAPE. And add that "gentle" breeze that ALWAYS stopped by to "rock" me to sleep. My Maternal grandparents made my parents drop me off EVERY summer when school was closed. Months of being LUVED and company for them. THEY are gone, but REMIND me they will ALWAYS luv me with a "gentle" wind in some tree I happen to be by. Tears are in my eyes as I write this. Luv you Grandpops & Mamamae.

[MarcyW882921]

I can relate to your story Nicole @Winter2024 . My family situation growing up could be somewhat volatile. Fortunately my paternal grandparents lived on our ground floor and definitely provided love, stability, and security. At times, I too sought refuge in a tree, in the woods, and behind a sectional couch. They were safe places for me to escape and find peace. It's not a bad thing even as an adult to have places to go where you can decompress, relax, and be at peace.

Marcy