When Friends Fail You

[Jen]

New article up by Dr. Barry Jacobs. You can read it HERE. 

Have any of your friends failed you in your caregiving journey?

[JaneCares]

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@Jen wrote:

New article up by Dr. Barry Jacobs. You can read it HERE. 

Have any of your friends failed you in your caregiving journey?

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What i was thinking after i read it, is that the awkwardness around long term caregiving, and asking for help from non-family, is a little like asking to borrow money. Once you ask for money, people feel interested, obligated, to ask how you're spending your money such that you need to borrow it?  I spent 30 years helping people with medical illnesses and their families cope in various circumstances from out patient medical clinics to hospice. I have a hierarchy in my head that i lay out for patients and families.  It goes like this:

What does insurance pay for? Yeah you get a few weeks of skilled nursing careif you're lucky following a hospitalization, and a bathing aide for maybe 3 days a week that comes by for an hour. The VA has better options that take months to get once you've applied for them. But this is worth exploring: what services are covered?

What services are free? In some cities and counties, there is free or subsidized meals on wheels (until #45 eliminates it in his budget), transportation help to and from doctor appointments, subsidized respite care services in the home if you are low income.

Who else in the family can help? Presuming there IS family. Cast a wide net, my people. Enlarge the caregiving circle. I know a family who schleps elderly mom from one of her children to the next for 3 months stints. Works remarkably well. Helps that there are 4 daughters.  No excuses, none of this 'oh i can't see Mom like this' cop out stuff. Rally round.

What can you afford to delegate, outsource, pay for?  An aide for 4 hours a day 3 days a week would be something like $240 in a city, less in a rural area. Might make all the difference.

Only after the family or the caregiver has exhausted all of this, would i recommend they ask friends.

The one exception is church. But even then, folks don't want to feel taken advantage of, and who says one caregiver is more exhausted, or burdened than another?

Does this make sense?

If i ask to borrow money or ask for 50 expecting no repayment, my friend might say, so you can afford an iphone but need 50$? 

I can get tetchy...

[nyadrn]

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@JaneCares wrote:

>>>> 

Only after the family or the caregiver has exhausted all of this, would i recommend they ask friends.

The one exception is church. But even then, folks don't want to feel taken advantage of, and who says one caregiver is more exhausted, or burdened than another?

Does this make sense?

If i ask to borrow money or ask for 50 expecting no repayment, my friend might say, so you can afford an iphone but need 50$? 

I can get tetchy...

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Your post makes sense.  My comments were related to the reaction of the person request of another person and not the need itself.  Thank you.

[JaneCares]

Gotcha, nyadrn. Such a complex issue.

[nyadrn]

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@JaneCares wrote:
Gotcha, nyadrn. Such a complex issue.

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It is and as has been a belief of mine for a long time, as we approach the last chapters of age, it is the responsibility of all of us to talk to our families and make whatever arrangments and plans that we can so as to limit the confusion and problems that are sure to come up.

[JaneCares]

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@nyadrn wrote:

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@JaneCares wrote:
Gotcha, nyadrn. Such a complex issue.

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It is and as has been a belief of mine for a long time, as we approach the last chapters of age, it is the responsibility of all of us to talk to our families and make whatever arrangments and plans that we can so as to limit the confusion and problems that are sure to come up.

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You are so so right. I know how to do this because i do it professionally. But, as the jazz tune says, Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. And you can't die well without planning. Most of the time.

People on this forum talk about how horrible nursing homes are, and some are indeed horrible while others are amazing, but all the same, there are specific STEPS that can be taken to avoid such a fate! But no one wants to talk about any of it.

One of the steps is to be very clear with loved ones, whom you've named as your proxy with powers of attorney for health decisions, that you don't want certain things done. SUCH AS, if you develop dementia of any sort and slowly lose the ability to swallow, DO NOT PUT IN A FEEDING TUBE. Enter a hospice program which can provide services anywhere, and let the body shut down. For Pete's sake.

That one is big.

Anyway, glad to talk about this stuff here with you and everyone else. It is so important.

Off to church. It's 8:20 out here in the rural environs of eastern oregon and it's an hour's drive....

miss jane signing off for now....

[EveRH]

I think that the body of the article was a lot more helpful, than the somewhat controversial title!

I've been a caregiver multiple times, so I'm used to some relatives never offering any sort of help; friends at least ask what you might need! My classic, "Did they really say that?!" is when another caregiver told me it was OK for me to be a caregiver again, because I'd been "raised to do it" caring for another relative in my teens .. but she hadn't been raised to care for other people! That has to be the height of being presumptuous!

I think the article is correct in suggesting being up front & specific, about what help would be welcome. I think that some friends would like to help .. but don't know what to say, and don't want to overstep boundaries .. so they kind of "hide".

[nyadrn]

The controversial title was accompanied by some controversial comments.. see below.

If this is the attitude of my "friend"  they have a problem not me.   Perhaps these friends have a full load of their own  and perhaps they have other priorities and perhaps a lot of things.  You cannot expect or demand help.   I think this article was very poorly written and the message badly stated!!

This is what the article said.

" But many caregivers report that their friends make vague avowals of support before backing off. Perhaps these friends are wrapped up in their own lives or want to avoid the sadness that often surrounds caregiving. The result is the same: They have failed a test of friendship, leaving the caregiver feeling betrayed and isolated.

How should caregivers like Sarah respond? Should they write off those friends, confront them, or act as cheerful and engaging as they always have, despite their friends’ apparent lack of compassion? And after caregiving ends, should they forgive those friends? 

[nyadrn]

I read this article and I have to say that I found it very presumptuous.   

"Which friends have failed you".  

Since when are people not allowed to decline a request for a favor when asked?  Maybe a person with this attitude is the reason those "friends" declined.  

[WebWiseWoman]

I have to agree. I have been in this position recently and even did google research for additional resources and provided that information, as I knew the committment I and our circle of friends and relatives could not fulfill everything.

After months of asking if there was any outreach to suggested resources, the response remained "not yet"... I have obligations to my family, work, and other friends so decided that I needed to disengage.

Am I sad the relationship is not what it once was? Absolutely!

Do I feel guilt over that? Absolutely not!

I wish the friend was still in my life daily, but we all need to help ourselves when we can, and if recommendations aren't followed up on (not adopted, just investigated, at least), what more can one do? When you begin to feel like unpaid help because you love someone, time to go, imho...

[nyadrn]

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@WebWiseWoman wrote:

I have to agree. I have been in this position recently and even did google research for additional resources and provided that information, as I knew the committment I and our circle of friends and relatives could not fulfill everything.

After months of asking if there was any outreach to suggested resources, the response remained "not yet"... I have obligations to my family, work, and other friends so decided that I needed to disengage.

Am I sad the relationship is not what it once was? Absolutely!

Do I feel guilt over that? Absolutely not!

I wish the friend was still in my life daily, but we all need to help ourselves when we can, and if recommendations aren't followed up on (not adopted, just investigated, at least), what more can one do? When you begin to feel like unpaid help because you love someone, time to go, imho...

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Thank you, you put this much better than I did.  

Each of us carries a load of responsiblies, some more some less but theirs.   Most of us will help out if and when it is possible but none of us can determine how much someone else can help us and to feel like they failed us is unfair.  If you have family, talk to them about the future.  If you have a close friend(s) talk to them about the future.  While you are doing that, make your own plans for what you can and will do.