@RachelC961851 Hi Rachel - it sounds like you are deep into burnout! And it's to be expected after a year and a half of having all of the caregiving duties on your shoulders! So glad you have reached out and are starting to look for caregiving support. It's very clear how much you love your mom and kudos for you for stepping up to the plate and choosing to care for her! Everything we do is a choice! I imagine you don't get a lot of reinforcement - so you're getting it here. You are a super woman! Own that. Feel good about it.
And also know that you can choose to care for yourself too.
First - the issue of your mom not wanting anyone else to care for her. This happens a lot. She's more comfortable with you and feels safer and secure. It's understandable; she's very vulnerable. But at the same time you cannot do it all.
I've been caregiving for my grandparents, parents and sister my entire adult life. My Dad just passed on last June so now I'm just helping out with my aunt and uncle and friends etc. But believe me - I understand what you are going through. My parents lived with me, Mom died in 2013. My oldest sister had Cushing's Disease, obesity and numerous health problems. It's so hard to try to be caring for so many at once and trying to meet all the needs. My biggest lesson was to learn this truth (which is my motto - you can quote me on this!) 
Seriously - you can do so much - and you do all of the most difficult and most joyful things - BUT you cannot do it all. It's not humanly possible. So first you need accept that and then your mom needs to accept that.
Sometimes lovingly having a heart to heart (your recent ER visit is a good conversation starter!) with your mom explaining you are there because you want to be, but you cannot do everything or you will be very ill and unable to do anything. Then work on getting help to care for her. Is she on Medicaid? Have you talked with her case worker? There are many in home services - even just help bathing would give you a break both physically and mentally.
It does take awhile for new paid caregivers to learn the ropes, but they eventually learn (I know - it's frustrating when you feel you are still doing the work and paying them also!). If having a heart to heart doesn't help with your mom - is there anyone else she trusts who could talk with her about the need to watch out for you? Another family member, friend, faith community leader, lawyer, case manager etc.?
In terms of support for you, here are a few resources to check out:
I've given you a lot to think about, so I'll stop here for now, but with one more lesson I learned while intensively caregiving for 10 yrs. I can't expect my car to run on empty and I can't expect myself to either. I have to keep filling my tank - and so do you. Try to be consciously aware of what fills your tank - snuggling your fur babies, sleep, break from caregiving, reading, movie, call with a friend - etc. More on this in another post!
Take care and please let me know if you have any more questions, thoughts, experiences. Stay in touch with us! We are here for you!
Take care,
Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert
Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving and
Color Your Way Content When Caring for Loved Ones
