Not sure what to expect: 94 yr old mom living alone needing care for first time ever

[MarshallT696340]

First time poster here - with one of those open-ended 'questions' where I just need some opinions and advice, not directives or details. My mom is 94, living on her own about 2 hours away.  I'm 66, but still have my own kids living at home (yep, an old dad).  My mother is a proud, stubborn Japanese lady who is very opposed to anyone coming into her home, and insists she "wants to go quietly at home".  For the past 20 years, I've tried to talk to her about moving into an alternate environment (assisted living, etc.) - but she says "when she's not living at home, she might as well not be here".  I'm also an only child, and we have a VERY small extended family (her only remaining sibling lives in Japan).  Her husband (my dad) passed away in 2002, and she has been living capably on her own for the past 20+ years.

She has fallen a few times at home, but never anything serious.  But last week, she fell and had to go to the ER because (as it turns out), she broke her right wrist.  She now has a cast, and will have an Orthopedic appointment to determine whether she needs surgery (most likely).  While in the ER, her 'team' at Kaiser started to ask questions....which led to a very "strong recommendation" that she get an in-home caregiver.  They did not dictate this, but the language was very 'stern' - to the effect that if she did not do this, and she needed medical care repeatedly for more falls, Kaiser could <reading between the lines> cut off her coverage.  OK, message received.

She is still reticent to have a caregiver beyond a few hours a couple times/week.  We did arrange for one who came for 4 hours while I was at her home 2 days ago.  My Mom 'tolerated' this, but is still resistant or perhaps in denial that this may need to continue.  She feels like it's more stress on her to think of what to have the caregiver do. At the same time, I'm getting the same subtle but clear pressure from the caregiver's agency coordinator to arrange for something permanent "or else...".  Unfortunately, my Mom also refuses to come live with my family (again, the "that would kill me faster" speech).

So, I would love to hear advice on how to ease someone like my Mom into having at least some care in the home. Honestly, it's the 'logistics' that are most difficult and in the end, potentially might pose the biggest threat to her:  (1) she can't use her cell phone (just a flip phone), (2) has never used a computer, (3) she has no email or internet, (4) she can't text or message.  She only knows how to use her landline, which she uses by standing or sitting rigidly in front of it (she doesn't even use the speaker phone - and it's CORDED, not cordless!).  Basically, she got stuck in the technology of around 1995.  Yet, she has somehow managed her finances (bills, checking, CD's, investments, etc.) completely in person or on the phone - since my Dad passed.  BUT, she totaled her car 2 years ago, and at that time, I 'took away her keys' - and she actually no longer has a car.  All she has are VERY wonderful neighbors who offer to take her shopping about once/week.  I personally spend every other weekend with her to mainly run errands.

I think you can see that she needs help, as do I.  I just don't know how to start things going smoothly!!  Any advice would be appreciated.  And don't forget, I'm 66, but still have my own business and cannot take time away...along with teenage/college age kids of my own.

Thank you!!!

[jonibee]

It looks and sounds like you have your work cut out for you regarding your Mom...i would make a list of her needs and sit down with her and tell her that unless she agrees to some live in help your hands will be tied as far as helping her ..Tell her about what Kaiser is saying and let her know that you are letting her make the choice as to whether or not she is to remain in the home situation. Point out the things that are important to her and state that you can't take the time off from your  business so the next best thing is to have outside help with personal needs, cooking, house cleaning as she can't do these thngs safely with out the risk of falling, cooking hazards..She will be able to be independent with those extra hands helping her. Otherwise she may end up in rehab due to injuries and you will not be able to have control over it..She seems competent enough if she handles her affairs..But she does need to be told of the pros and cons so she can make the choice  as it is her welfare that is at stake..She needs to undrstand that because of her age she is at risk and you want her around for as long as possible..There is no simple remedy here..Good Luck with trying to make her see what's best...There must be a compromise and a workable plan as to what is the right decison ..Perhaps one of those emergency necklace where if you fall you press the button might be helpful..Make sure all scatter rugs and things are in order so she doesn't hurt herself..She must need help in bathing and general care of things like clothes washing ..Make a list of what is needed to make her comfortable with living at home safely..There are agencies that can assess her needs and probably point you in the right direction ..Change is hard at any age...