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Generational Trauma and Caregiving

I am a crisis counselor and have to listen to my extremely narcissistic mother have existential "crises" and temper tantrums because of very minor things, while I talk to people eight hours a day who want to kill themselves and are in the midst of REAL crisis situations. I bend over backwards to try and help her and I am just not able to continue supporting her anymore I do not think. She told me again recently that she should have never had children, and it was just her being real, not mean. She is THE most self-centered, mean and manipulative person I have ever yet, but here I am sacrificing several forms of personal well being in the process of taking care of someone that will never be a decent human. It's maddening. I am paying FAR more than my fair share and she is draining me financially as well while she acts possessed. And that's not a joke. There is zero reasoning with her. HELP!!!

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 I can certainly relate to you in dealing with your mom.  I'm not a crisis counselor or any type of counselor, but I deal with my dad who is so narcissistic!!  He has dementia and I had him in my home with my husband (who also has dementia and has physical challenges as well) for 3 months!

I was going crazy before I finally moved him to a memory care facility.  And even now, while he is in the memory care facility, he makes me crazy!!  I can't sleep, thinking of ways to deal with him, ways I could have handled situations better, what I can do to reduce my stress and get myself to a more healthy place...

It does absolutely no good to try reasoning.  He is unable to be reasoned with.  I can't go up there very often because I need help to deal with it after every time I leave there.  I try very hard to make it comfortable for him, but nothing really helps.  So I stay away as long as I can.  My husband needs me much more than my dad does.

I've decided that my health is more important than trying to make him happy/comfortable.  He is cared for there, so I am going to take care of me.  

I'm not sure if this helps you any, but I know I need to find people to talk to that know what  I'm going through.

I hope you are able to get some peace for yourself soon!!

Contributor

As an ex-counselor with every issue you can imagine, including the criminally insane. My advice is to get out, whatever you have to do. You know working in your field one must have a peaceful home environment. Or else it's major burnout. Narcissistic Personality disorder is THE hardest to cope with, they never quit attacking you verbally, and it becomes a game of winning at all costs to them. You need to stop sacrificing your health and life for her. Yesterday. My best wishes and condolences to you.

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Thank you for your service @PeaceLover8675309 !

What you are doing for others is not just commendable.... but can be life-saving...& it can also become draining on your health! Have you heard of Self-care Strategies for Crisis Counselors?....To help prevent ‘compassion fatigue’ ...and foster ‘compassion satisfaction’.

Can you....or have you already developed positive relationships with other crisis counselors who you can share  your situation with? If you were to need it... could you get Chat Counseling, Text Counseling, Email Counseling, or Phone Counseling for your self?…

Do you have other family members...or friends, or co-workers who can share the burden of helping your mom?  Is she getting help for psychological (as well as physical) issues & does she have a good doctor or health care worker who is aware of her symptoms & behavior? Is she by herself when you leave for work or does she have any friends who can be with her?

Can you see her as someone who really needs you....your help & support & encouragement...your patience & understanding...& most of all....your EMPATHY?

Just trying to send some positivity your way, OK?

Take care ~Allen

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