Caregiving Is Hard Enough. Isolation > Unbearable.

[nyadrn]

For years, Marcy Sherman-Lewis went to a beauty salon in St. Joseph, Mo., every few weeks for a haircut and highlights.

It had become something of an ordeal to prepare her husband, Gene Lewis, for this outing; he has Alzheimer’s disease, at 79, and helping him shower and dress, insert hearing aids and climb into the car was a very slow process.

But she could no longer leave him at home alone. And once at the salon, “he just sat, watched TV, slept — didn’t bother anybody,” said Ms. Sherman-Lewis, 62. Her stylist kindly trimmed his hair, too.

Then last month, the salon owner took Ms. Sherman-Lewis aside. “Marcy, he makes my other patrons awfully uncomfortable,” she said.

“I was dumbfounded,” Ms. Sherman-Lewis said. “It’s O.K. for other people’s little grandchildren to be running around sometimes. What am I supposed to do, keep him in a crate in the car?”

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https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/04/health/caregiving-alzheimers-isolation.html?rref=collection%2Fcol...

[EveRH]

I browsed the article, but didn't see where it mentioned what Mrs. Sherman-Lewis's response was, at the salon.

I have seen husbands sitting around in department stores, and waiting outside dressing rooms, waiting for their wives; that didn't make me feel awkward, so I think she should have put the salon owner on the spot, starting with the number of years she's gone to that salon, that she didn't bring her husband along, until she had absolutely no alternative, and that he wasn't doing anything to make anyone else feel awkward. She could mention that numerous times people's children/grandchildren have been quite disruptive at the salon, but they weren't made to feel unwelcome! Seems to me that if these other women "feel awkward", it's their problem, not hers, and the salon owner could easily have told them that she was a long-time, valued client whose husband wasn't bothering anyone!

Depending on the owner's response, I'd be tempted to change salons, and post all about what happened on social media; maybe all of her 65+ clients would think twice about going there anymore!

[nyadrn]

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@EveRH wrote:

I browsed the article, but didn't see where it mentioned what Mrs. Sherman-Lewis's response was, at the salon.

I have seen husbands sitting around in department stores, and waiting outside dressing rooms, waiting for their wives; that didn't make me feel awkward, so I think she should have put the salon owner on the spot, starting with the number of years she's gone to that salon, that she didn't bring her husband along, until she had absolutely no alternative, and that he wasn't doing anything to make anyone else feel awkward. She could mention that numerous times people's children/grandchildren have been quite disruptive at the salon, but they weren't made to feel unwelcome! Seems to me that if these other women "feel awkward", it's their problem, not hers, and the salon owner could easily have told them that she was a long-time, valued client whose husband wasn't bothering anyone!

Depending on the owner's response, I'd be tempted to change salons, and post all about what happened on social media; maybe all of her 65+ clients would think twice about going there anymore!

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I was talking about this :

Then last month, the salon owner took Ms. Sherman-Lewis aside. “Marcy, he makes my other patrons awfully uncomfortable,” she said.
“I was dumbfounded,” Ms. Sherman-Lewis said. “It’s O.K. for other people’s little grandchildren to be running around sometimes. What am I supposed to do, keep him in a crate in the car?”

I agree with your comments.  This salon owner really handled this so badly!!  I would definitely let her know how badly.  

[LaDolceVita]

Another example of people not wishing to be exposed to aspects of life they do not want to think about?  Most  people are sympathetic when seeing this kind of situation. I get looks of sympathy from strangers because my mom is continually asking me for and about things in public which may seem a bit strange.

I do not see how a man w/ dementia watching TV in a salon makes people uncomfortable unless he is incontinent or something of that nature.  

The isolation described in the article is very real.  My mom does not have  dementia but she is certainly not herself for the lat 7 years.  Every time I go somewhere, even shopping,  I rush home to "put out the fire".  Always a sense of unease when I am way from home.

[nyadrn]

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@LaDolceVita wrote:

Another example of people not wishing to be exposed to aspects of life they do not want to think about?  Most  people are sympathetic when seeing this kind of situation. I get looks of sympathy from strangers because my mom is continually asking me for and about things in public which may seem a bit strange.

I do not see how a man w/ dementia watching TV in a salon makes people uncomfortable unless he is incontinent or something of that nature.  

The isolation described in the article is very real.  My mom does not have  dementia but she is certainly not herself for the lat 7 years.  Every time I go somewhere, even shopping,  I rush home to "put out the fire".  Always a sense of unease when I am way from home.

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I know you are right about the isolation. People are uncomfortable and avoid being involved but when it is their parent or family member they may feel differently.  Think how glad your mom must feel to have you!!!  

[nyadrn]

I cannot believe what this woman at the hair salon said to her.  Obviously I would have had a little talk with her.  Maybe schedule an end of day appointment or some other option if there is no other convenient salon.  

Meanwhile it is a good article.