Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Several times a week I forget where I was going after I get up from my recliner!

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

SHOES

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a **bleep** sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

GOD’S IMPROVEMENT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.
“Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in. 

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?" 

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied. 

"Medicine for rheumatism?" 

"Definitely," he said. 

"How about Viagra?" 

"Of course." 

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" 

"Yes, the works." 

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" 

 "Absolutely." 

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" 

"All speeds and sizes." 

"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist.

 "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

That's Once

couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 
       
      "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."        
      "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."  

     
      "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Long Happy Life

woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"      
      "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."        
      "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"       
      "Twenty-six," he said.

[DaveMcK]

Seniors day out!

[LydiaN586309]

And I agree!

[LydiaN586309]

Actually they start stalking you around 48!

[LydiaN586309]