Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[LydiaN586309]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a **bleep** sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

GOD’S IMPROVEMENT
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.
“Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in. 

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?" 

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied. 

"Medicine for rheumatism?" 

"Definitely," he said. 

"How about Viagra?" 

"Of course." 

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" 

"Yes, the works." 

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" 

 "Absolutely." 

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" 

"All speeds and sizes." 

"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist.

 "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

That's Once

couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 
       
      "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."        
      "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."  

     
      "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Long Happy Life

woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"      
      "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."        
      "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"       
      "Twenty-six," he said.

[DaveMcK]

Seniors day out!

[LydiaN586309]

And I agree!

[LydiaN586309]

Actually they start stalking you around 48!

[LydiaN586309]

[gordyfl]

A husband surprises his wife with a gift.

HUSBAND: "This is for you."

WIFE: "Oh my! I wasn't expecting this."

HUSBAND: "Open it."

WIFE: "Today is no special occasion. Why the gift?"

HUSBAND: "It's because of a four-letter word"

WIFE: "Is it because you 'CARE'?"

HUSBAND: "Partly. But that's not the four-letter word".

WIFE: "Is the four-letter word LOVE?"

HUSBAND: "Partly. But that's not it."

WIFE: "Then what is the four-letter word?"

HUSBAND: "SALE."

[LydiaN586309]

Old Goats

A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.  She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"  A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours.

[DaveMcK]

Good morning!

[DaveMcK]

Being a Senior!

[DaveMcK]

Here I am!

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

Morning!

[DaveMcK]

Senior!

[LydiaN586309]

SENIOR MAN AT THE SUPER BOWL

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Thanks to Rev. Joe Hopkins, New Wilmington, PA

[DaveMcK]

It is Saturday!