IN THESE TENSE TIMES A LITTLE HUMOR MUST FALL

[nctarheel]

Deleted by writer because link changed its headline.

[DaveMcK]

These headline on the Weather Channel struck me as humorous.

Monday

It’s spring! Morning temps will hover around twenty-four degrees Fahrenheit with a windchill of negative ten. Expect two bursts of monsoon-like rain, the first when you’re walking to the subway and the second when you’re coming home. Around 2 p.m., it should be nice, though—so long as you stick to the sunny side of the street. If you step into the shade, you’ll experience a cold so bone-chilling that you’ll wonder if a ghost is touching your neck. On the plus side, you’ll get to wear every jacket you own today! Sort of fun, right?

This headline on the Weather Channel struck me as humorous.

Aliens 

Tuesday

So, the groundhog told us that it would be warm by now—and it will be! Every other minute. Today, we’ll experience the famous New York Zigzag, where the temperature will bounce back and forth between ninety degrees and thirty degrees. And, whenever it’s thirty degrees, it’ll snow. But not the fluffy, white stuff. The cold, dirty, wet stuff that immediately forms a deep, slushy crevasse on every corner. Maybe wear a parka, but with only a T-shirt underneath? I’m sorry.

Wednesday

You know what? Today’s weather is actually pretty cool! By that, I mean that, in the morning, everyone’s going to feel hot from the stomach up, cold from the legs down, and have wet backs from the stop-and-start horizontal rain. Early-evening conditions are best summed up by the following poem:

Hickory, dickory, dock,

It was sunny at five o’clock.

The clock struck six,

Came a wintry mix,

And, at seven, hail big as a rock.

Sometimes I try to remember why I even got into the weather game. I guess I was just lured by the prestige.

Thursday

Ugh, let’s just get this over with. Tornado warning in the morning. Hurricane winds in the afternoon. Some sun from, like, 1:15 to 1:18 p.m. Then rain for the following fifteen hours. But remember that neat solar eclipse from 2017? Well, there won’t be a solar eclipse today, but there will be some sort of blinding sun event. And only one in three observers will suffer permanent blindness. Time for some more good news: Remember that lightweight jacket you bought two years ago that your mom said was totally impractical because it only keeps you comfortable when it’s sixty-eight degrees, with no sun and a slight wind from the north? Set your alarm because, at 2 a.m., the rains will let up and you will have exactly thirteen minutes to wear this jacket! Yippee! (Yes, I am being sarcastic.)