SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

Hal · ‎10-18-2011

A lot of bad things can be said about pedaphiles, but at least they slow down when diving near schools...

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

BonnieC10 · ‎10-18-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

He finally bought a talking centipede ! ( 100 legged bug)

It came in a little white box as it's house. He took it home and thought he would show it off at church. So he asked the centipede if he would like to go to church with him..

There was no answer. He waited a few minutes, and then asked again. "How about going to church with me?" Still no answer.

He decided to wait, and then asked one last time. This time, he put his face up against the house and shouted...
"HEY IN THERE ! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH OR NOT?"

This time a wee little voice answered, "I heard you the first time ! I'm putting on my shoes!"

nell2 · ‎10-17-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

How to Handle Teens- now I know

BonnieC10 · ‎10-17-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I'M NOT SHORT, I'M FUN SIZE !

BonnieC10 · ‎10-17-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A little known Fact:

The first testicular guard, the 'cup', was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important!

Ladies....... quit laughing!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-17-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

How clever was that!

dustbusterz · ‎10-16-2011

Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

dustbusterz · ‎10-16-2011

How to Handle Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.

dustbusterz · ‎10-16-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

breast stroke competition

Good one

BonnieC10 · ‎10-16-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked his new employee.

"Yes sir." answered the employee.

"Well then, that makes everything just fine" . The boss went on, "After you left here early yesterday to attend your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

BonnieC10 · ‎10-16-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The blonde who lost the breast stroke competition, complained to the judges that all of the other girls were using their arms!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-15-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

One night, as a couple lays down for bed,the husband starts rubbing the wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a GYN appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."

The rejected husband turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-15-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A beautiful poem about growing old....

CRAP ! I forgot the words .....

BonnieC10 · ‎10-14-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE SAYS:

"The leaves are falling faster than a politician's approval !"

"I always try to eat a well balanced breakfast. I balance it on my knee while I watch TV."

Have a fabulous Friday !

nell2 · ‎10-13-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Home vs. Prison

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

I e-mailed this 1 to my Jim-

nell2 · ‎10-13-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY-so true

BonnieC10 · ‎10-13-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Women work all the time......

Men have to put up signs when they work.

BonnieC10 · ‎10-13-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

A penny saved, is a government oversight.

Birds of a feather...stick together and sh-- on your car.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house, is to buy a replacement.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

When you are disatisfied and would like to go back to your youth...think of Algebra.

You know when you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.

nell2 · ‎10-12-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Why elections are held in November? love it

nell2 · ‎10-12-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Teacher ask her 1st graderslol

nell2 · ‎10-12-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Home vs Prison.....lmbo

BonnieC10 · ‎10-12-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Teacher asks her 1st graders:

"OK children, what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm yesterday?"

These were the replies:

1. Moooo

2. Baaaa

3. quack, quack

4. "Get off that x!0*@! tractor!"

BonnieC10 · ‎10-11-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Do you know why elections are held in November?

Ans: It's the best month for picking out a turkey!

BonnieC10 · ‎10-11-2011

In Response to BONNIE'S REACTION TO "UNDERSTANDING WOMEN" IN PAPERBACK by Hal

Seen on T-shirt:

I FOLLOW MAN RULES

1. I don't read directions

2. I don't read minds.

3. I scratch where it itches.

4. I fart when I want to.

dustbusterz · ‎10-10-2011

Home vs. Prison

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

dustbusterz · ‎10-10-2011

Prison vs. Home

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

dustbusterz · ‎10-10-2011

Statistician Answering Machine

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

dustbusterz · ‎10-10-2011

True Political Story

Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."