SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

   Have a terrific Tuesday everyone.  

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An elderly man is stopped by the police about 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks.. "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies..... "That would be my wife."

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

                                   QUIZ

Are you a male or female?

Not sure?

Have a look further down to find out.......

Not in the E-mail you dufuss !!

I worry about you sometimes !    

[dustbusterz]

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

*You don't sweat, you percolate

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You've worn the finish off you coffee table

*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

*You're so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

[dustbusterz]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Walmart is the largest "re- tailer" in the world!   

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

  Walmart is the largest "re- tailer"   lol 

  poor kitty see no tail  !

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Hi Bonnie

I've been having PC problems also mine is running sloweek

 Mirror Mirror on the wall..... What the @#%* happened??                      lol

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

A blonde was weed-a-whacking her yard, and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, to Walmart...

Why? Hellooooooo

Walmart is the largest "re- tailer" in the world!

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Hi Nell ( and all )   I've been having PC problems grrrrrrrr..... this one's for you.  

Mirror Mirror on the wall.....

What the @#%* happened???

[dustbusterz]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Yes, I did, I found some at other locations too. Thanks  

[dustbusterz]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

[dustbusterz]

How I Ended up Being Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there ...

On the couch ...

Naked.

[dustbusterz]

Fixing an Ailment

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz  

I snagedyour Carlin funny-my husband thinks old George is1of the bestthanks.

Has BonnieC10 left the SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY group? I praynot

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz  

I see you found the Smiley's they sort of talk 4-u

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

 Little Girl Walking Home from School  a good one          

lmbo 
 

[dustbusterz]

George Carlin's 'Truth's'

 Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

 

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

 

[dustbusterz]

 Glad you liked it

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

How Goverment Worksa good one!

       

[dustbusterz]

Little Girl Walking Home From School

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

[dustbusterz]

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Due to recent budget cuts

[dustbusterz]

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

[dustbusterz]

Death bed wish

The old magnate was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest.

"I know I am going to die" he said " and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you £250,000 cash, and I want you to each make sure the money gets into my coffin."
...
It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put £200,000 back.

"I'm glad you brought it up" said the doctor, "because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put £100,000 back."

"You people should be ashamed of yourselves" stormed the lawyer "stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this" he said pulling out his check book, "look I wrote out a cheque for the full £250,000!"

[dustbusterz]

Bumpers

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

       Selection of Political Quotes

           
 

[dustbusterz]

A Walk by The Sea

 A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

 And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.

 But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

[dustbusterz]

Blonde Riding a Horse

 A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

 It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

 The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

 Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

 As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.

[dustbusterz]

Selection of Political Quotes

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.'
Will Rogers

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.'
Thomas Pickering

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
Nancy Reagan

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
Gore Vidal

Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.'
Mack McGinnis

Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
Anon

Crime does not pay! Well not as well as politics.
Alfred E. Newman

[dustbusterz]

Veterinary Clinic

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."