SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

I don't need a calandar to know it's winter.

I can just ask one of the mice

who moved in to warm up.

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

I don't know what the problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce...

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

I SOLD MY HAIR TO BUY YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT THIS YEAR..............

BOTH LEGS.

[BonnieC10]

CHRISTMAS IS JUST PLAIN WEIRD...

WHAT OTHER TIME OF THE YEAR DO YOU SIT IN FRONT OF A DEAD TREE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND EAT CANDY OUT OF YOUR SOCKS?

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

I'd rather go out and eat and collect quarters at the local eating hub... I can get all that and come home richer in more ways than one... my life has sure gotten better since I discovered those quarters on the tables!

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

Homemade gifts are the perfect way to say, "I've got lots more time than money."

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

                              THE TWELVE DAYS OF NURSING CHRISTMAS

12 PATIENTS POOPING..

11 BED ALARMS RINGING..

10 EXHAUSTED NURSES

  9 CALL LIGHTS FLASHING..

  8 SCREWED UP DOCTOR'S ORDERS

  7 C DIFFS STINKING

  6 ALCOHOLICS WITHDRAWING..

  5 BLOOD SUGARS DROPPING

  4 BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS

  3 OT SHIFTS

  2 PATIENTS CRASHING

  1 NAKED GUY RUNNING DOWN THE HALL.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS !!

[BonnieC10]

If you have nothing against women, and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.

If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roasdide bombs, You may be a Muslim.

If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your slothing, You may be a Muslim.

If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you are part of the problem here in America.. but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.

JEFF FOXWORTHY

[BonnieC10]

When what to my eyes should appear...

But 10 extra pounds

On my hips, thighs and rear !

[BonnieC10]

I WENT TO THE AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING THERE....

HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR A CLOWN, IT'S A NICE JESTER..

MY REALITY CHECK BOUNCED !

BETWEEN TO EVILS, I'LL ALWAYS PICK THE ONE I'VE NEVER TRIED.

I'M STILL HOT, IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES NOW.

[BonnieC10]

Mexican word of the day:       "Cheesehead"

"I asked my wife if the Packers won... and Cheesehead NO!"

[BonnieC10]

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you just got the last bowl.

He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal and the bowl of chili is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The guy says, "No, help yourself."

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down and sees a dead mouse and pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah!  That's about as far as I got too!."

[BonnieC10]

Two cats are sitting in a bar, when the Maine Coon cat says to the Tabby,

"So, they bring a tree into the house and put all these shiny dangling things on it, and then freak out if I go near it.

This is why I drink ! 

[BonnieC10]

                  HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

[BonnieC10]

There is a myth that Thanksgiving is a day set aside to give thanks for our many blessings. Grow up, America.

It's the great American pig-out. No powdered drinks, no little pouches, no water pills, no frozen entreés under 30 calories that taste like gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Just real food.

It's Thanksgiving.You can eat over the sink, under the sink, scrape the bowls with your fingers, eat between meals, load dip onto crackers that collapse under the weight, eat the fatty skin of the roaster, or have a dressing sandwich at midnight. Say hallelujah.

You can sample three kinds of pies and say, "I'm just tasting." Then you're allowed to load up your plate with more mashed potatoes and gravy to "get the sweet taste out of my mouth."

I don't want to be around people at Thanksgiving who put a piece of pumpkin pie in my face and add, "The topping isn't real whipped cream." Why not? Spare me the woman who serves a plate of naked vegetables.

If God had meant for us to fast on Thanksgiving, He would never have created 30-pound turkeys.

If we didn't have Thanksgiving, someone would have to invent it. People can live just so long on a sugarless, saltless, butterless diet, and then they turn mean. That's why the holiday is such an important one.On that day, the tension and irritability caused by abstaining from between meal snacking gives way to love and caring.

Children have their no-guilt holiday at Halloween, where they stay up late, talk to strangers, and scarf down bagfuls of cavity-causing sugar candies.

Today I have mine. Pardon me for talking with food in my mouth..

Erma Bombeck

     HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

[BonnieC10]

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY

MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP..

MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY

HAVE NEVER A LUMP.

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS

AND YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,

AND MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER

STAY OFF YOUR THIGHS!

[BonnieC10]

Why does Trump want to ban pre-shredded cheese?

To make America grate again !

[BonnieC10]

It wouldn't be the Holidays without a turkey, a fruitcake and some mixed nuts.

But enough about the relatives......

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

FROG PARKING ONLY

ALL OTHERS

WILL BE TOAD.

**********************************************************************************************************************

IS THERE EVER

A DAY THAT

MATTRESSES

ARE NOT ON SALE?

********************************************************************************************************************

WHAT HAPPENS IF

YOU GET SCARED

HALF TO DEATH

TWICE?

*******************************************************************************************************************

I WAS ADDICTED

TO THE HOKEY POKEY

BUT I TURNED

MYSELF AROUND.

[BonnieC10]

A man called his Jewish mother in Florida.

"Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother, "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible ! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

[BonnieC10]

A good laugh,

And a long sleep,

Are the two best cures

For anything.

[BonnieC10]

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WONTON spelled backward, is NOTNOW.

[BonnieC10]

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us,

We won..

Let's eat!

[BonnieC10]

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?

"Honey, I'm home."

Someone stole my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for an estimate.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Rodney Dangerfield

[BonnieC10]

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent....

The deer didn't have a buck...

So they put the meal on the duck's bill..

[BonnieC10]

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

We at the other end of the Chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. it's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

"See ya later alligator!

After a while crocodile! "

[BonnieC10]

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I WAS TOLD ANYONE COULD BECOME PRESIDENT.... I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE IT !

[BonnieC10]

At my age, my number one fashion question is:

"Can you nap in it?"

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

Teacher:     "Whats' the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

Student:      "I don't know, and I don't care."

Beautician to client:    "I'll see you pretty soon.."

What are you going to be when you get out of school?    Old.

[BonnieC10]

"They hold elections in November,

because it's the best time to

pick out a turkey " 

Maxine

                GET OUT AND

                    VOTE   !!!