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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I am going bananas.

That's what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.

 

If anybody can think of a better fish pun,

Let minnow..

 

"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

 

One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

 

I spilled glue on my autobiography & then accidently sat on it.

Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas the other will see you later.

 

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

 

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow. 

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table.

 

"Young man," my neighbor informed the host, "We're both 90 yrs. old !  We may not have that long." 

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Since the pledge of allegiance and the Lord's prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore, because the word "God" is mentioned, a kid in Arizona wrote this new school prayer:

 

"Now I sit me down in school,

Where praying is against the rule..

For this great nation under God,

Finds mention of Him very odd.

 

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow,

Becomes a Federal matter now.

 

Our hair can be purple, orange or green..

That's no offense, it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

 

For prayinf in a public hall,

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

 

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA !  

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I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

 

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, " So, which six items would you like to buy?"  Cat Wink

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Recognized Social Butterfly

Thats a good one Bonnie!!

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HILLARY to TRUMP:

 

"I want you to release your tax returns."

 

 

TRUMP to HILLARY:

 

"I emailed them to you ."       Man Frustrated

 

 

 

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CHANGING THE TOILET PAPER

 

DOES NOT CAUSE

 

BRAIN DAMAGE ! 

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JACK (age 3)

 

Watching his mom breast feed his new baby sister... he asks...

 

" Mom why do you have two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

 

 

STEVEN ( age 3 )

 

Hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you under my bedroom window." 

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

 

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said," What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

 

The old Jewish driver answered, " Let me tell you sumsing, Lady. I vasn't  staring at you like you tink. Det vould not be proper vair I come from."

 

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, sweetie if you're not staring at me, what are you doing?"

 

He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, "Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

 

Now, that's a REAL businessman ! 

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EYE HAV A SPELLING CHECKUR, IT CAME WITH MI PEA SEA. 

 

IT PLAINLY MARCS FOR MI REVU MISS TAKES EYE KIN NOT SEA.

 

STRIKE A KEY AND TYPE A WURD, AND WEIGHT FUR IT TWO SAY,

 

WEATHER EYE AM RONG OAR RIGHT IT SHOS ME RITE A WEIGH.

 

AS SOON AS A MIST STEAK IS MAID IT NOSE BEE FORE TWO LONG. 

 

AND EYE CAN PUT THE ERROR RITE,  IT IS NEVER RONG.

 

EYE HAVE RUN THIS POEM THREW IT I AM SHORE YOR PLEAZED TWO

 

NO,

 

IT'S LETTER PURFICK AWL THE WEIGH 

 

MY CHECKUR TOLLED ME SEW! 

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A 92-yr.-old , petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

 

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

 

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it", he stated...with the enthusiam of an eight yr. old. having just been presented with a new puppy.

 

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged...it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or I get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do."

 

"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes are open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank. I am still depositing"

 

Remember the 5 simple rules to be happy:

 

1. Free your heart of hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more

5. Expect less.

 

 

 

To all Dad's and Grand dad's out there biological and otherwise, a very HAPPY FATHER'S DAY !    

 

 

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I found a penny today

Just lying on the ground..

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I found.

 

Found pennies come from heaven.

That's what my Grandpa told me,

He said Angels toss them down

Oh, how I loved that story.

 

He said when an Angel misses you,

They toss a penny down.

Sometimes just to cheer you up,

To make a smile out of your frown.

 

So, don't pass by that penny,

When you're feeling blue.

It's your Dad or Grandpa

Saying "HI" to you !

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God took the strength of a mountain..

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea.

 

The generous soul of Nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of ages,

The power of the eagle's flight.

 

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need.

 

Then God combined these qualities,

And when there was nothing more to add...

 

He knew His masterpiece was complete..

 

And so He called it    DAD. 

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They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing....and the traditional caps, they looked almost...as grown up as they felt.

 

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during commencements....not by choice, because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

 

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned diving guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

 

The speeches were nice, but they were routine....until the final speech received a standing ovation.

 

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for a moment, then it happened....

 

Al 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly sneezed !!!

 

The student on stage...simply looked at the audience and said, "GOD BLESS YOU, each and everyone of you !" And he walked off the stage....

 

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

 

Isn't this a wonderful story?   Pass it on, and GOD BLESS YOU !

 

This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland.

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"Some may own castles on the banks of the Rhine

And hire an orchestra each evening at nine..

But richer than I they will never be..

I had a Dad who spent time with me."

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MA LOVES PA....

 

PA LOVES WOMEN...

 

MA CAUGHT PA,

 

WITH TWO IN SWIMMIN'

 

HERE LIES PA.

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Anyone can be a Father...

But it takes someone special to be a 

 

                               DAD 

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A FATHER IS SOMEONE WHO 

 

CARRIES PICTURES 

 

WHERE HIS MONEY 

 

USED TO BE...

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As you know my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about our tragic events in Benghazi... in the furthest regions of our empire. And sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

 

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and committments to serve you. For the next eight months, I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.

 

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington palace just to survive.

 

Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of the treasures. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.

 

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhatten apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $ 600,000 per year, what else could she do? So now I pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the "Foundation". 

 

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time comes for the royal election, (Coronation) comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful Monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama's policies, and we can all live happily ever after.

 

Your

Queen-in-waiting,

Hillary Rodham Clinton

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Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped and fell over the bridge and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

 

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The 1st kid said, "I want to go to Disney World and Barack said, "No problem. I'll take you there in AirForce One."

 

The 2nd kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. "  Barack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Mike Jordan sign them."

 

The 3rd kid said, " I want a motorized wheel chair with a built in TV and stereo head set."

 

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, " But you don't look handicapped to me."

 

The kid said,  "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your sorry **bleep** from drowning!"

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I'm a guy, she's single...she lives right across the street...

 

I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. 

 

I was surprised when she walked across the street up my driveway and knocked on my door.

 

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home and I have the strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

 

I replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

 

"Great," she said, "Can you watch my dog?"      Man Sad

 

 

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My goal for 2015 was to lose 10 lbs. Only 15 to go...

 

How to prepare Tofu:

1. Throw it in the trash

2. Grill some meat.

 

A recen study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like.. "I KNOW! Right ?

 

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the channel.

 

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sign on my forehead and call it a day. 

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If you ever feel stupid, I remember one time my twin brother fogot my Birthday ! Cat Surprised

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At any given moment:

 

 

FACT:    79,000,000 people are having sex right now...

 

FACT;    58,000,000 are kissing...

 

FACT;    37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex...

 

FACT:    1 old person is reading emails...

 

YOU HANG IN THERE, SUNSHINE      Smiley Wink

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An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a-my chrome plated 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns...How about you leave me your Rolex instead?"

 

"You lissina me boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, "Times UP???"   Cat Surprised

 

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Now this is my kind of service!!

 

 

GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

A Christian nation, land of the free and home of the brave.  How may I help you?

 

Press '1'  for English

Press '2' to disconnect until you learn to speak English.

 

 

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When I was a boy, my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now....

Too many security cameras...   Smiley Sad

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DR. SEUSS:      Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

 

GRANDPA:       In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

 

DON TRUMP:   We should build a wall so the chick can't cross the road.

 

 

 

COLONEL SANDERS:     Did I miss one??

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                                 "TAPS"

 

 

DAY IS DONE,

GONE THE SUN,

FROM THE LAKES,

FROM THE HILLS,

FROM THE SKY,

 ALL IS WELL

 SAFELY REST,

 GOD IS NIGH.

 

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LEST WE FORGET.........

 

 

All those brave men and women

  who gave their lives

in service to our nation...

 

We honor them today,

  and we thank them

   for their sacrifice.

 

On Memorial Day, we remember these heroes and

ALL OTHERS who gave their lives for the cause

of freedom. 

 

 GOD BLESS AMERICA

 

You are in our hearts forever !!!   ♥

 

 

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