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- Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
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A couple were Christmas shopping. The mall was crowded and as the wife walked around, she discovered her hubby was no where to be seen.
She called him on his cell phone and asked where he was. He asked in a quiet voice, "Do you remember that jewelry store where you admired the necklace about 5 yrs. ago and I said I would get it for you some day?"
The wife chocked up, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember," The husband continued, "Well, I'm in the Pub next door."
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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table, knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. Go next door where their serving rum balls.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with skim milk or whole milk? If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
If something comes with gravy, use it! That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy doesn't stand alone. Pout it on..make a volcano of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy, Eat the volcano. Repeat.
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted it's loaded with mandatory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards....
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martni in the other, body throroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!!"
HAPPY HOLIDAY'S
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Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep..
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned- the dark meat and white..
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door..
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes..
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round..
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky..
With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell, as I soared past the trees,
HAPPY EATING TO ALL...Pass the cranberries please.
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude, and even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of its' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The Parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly.......
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?"
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick and tired of each other. I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up...
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck their getting a divorce, I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a thing until I get there. DO YOU HEAR ME?"
The old man hangs up the phone, smiles at his wife and says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving, and paying their own way."
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The game warden stopped a young fellow and said, "What's with that turkey you're carrying under your arm?"
The boy looks down and says, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know that turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you."
"If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna to do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
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Be thankful for the clothes that fit a little snug...
Because it means you have enough to eat.
Be thankful for the mess you clean up after a party.
Because it means you have been surrounded by friends.
Be thankful for the taxes you pay..
Because it means you're employed.
Be thankful that your lawn needs mowing, and your windows need fixing.
Because it means you have a home.
Be thankful for your heating bill..
Because it means you are warm.
Be thankful for the laundry..
Because it means you have clothes to wear.
Be thankful for the space you find at the far end of the parking lot...
Because it means you can walk.
Be thankful for the lady who sings off-key behind you in church.
Because it means you can hear.
Be thankful when people complain about the government..
Because it means we have freedom of speech.
Be thankful for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours..
Because it means you're alive !
Ann Landers
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL ~
.
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There is a myth that Thanksgiving is a day set aside to give thanks for our many blessings.
GROW UP AMERICA !
It's the great American pig-out. No powdered drinks, no little pouches, no water pills, no frozen entrรฉes under 30 calories that taste like gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Just real food.
It's Thanksgiving. You can eat over the sink, under the sink, scrape bowls with your fingers, eat between meals, load dip onto crackers that collapse under the weight , eat the fatty skin of the roaster, or have a dressing sandwich at midnight. Say hallelujah.
You can sample three kinds of pies and say, "I'm just tasting." Then you're allowed to load up your plate with more mashed potatoes and gravy to "get the sweet taste out of my mouth."
I don't want to be around people at Thanksgiving who put a piece of pumpkin pie in my face and add, "The topping isn't real whipped cream." Why not? Spare me the woman who serves a plate of naked vegetables.
If God meant for us to fast on Thanksgiving, He would never have created 30-pound turkeys.
If we didn't have Thanksgiving, someone would have to invent it. People can live just so long on a sugarless, saltless, butterless diet, and then they turn mean. That's why the holiday is such an important one. On that day, the tension and irritability caused by abstaining from between meal snacking gives way to love and caring.
Children have their no-guilt holiday at Halloween, where they stay up late, talk to strangers, and scarf down bagfuls of cavity -causing sugar candies.
Today I have mine. Pardon me for talking with food in my mouth.
ERMA BOMBECK
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Granny Adams made such beautiful pies ! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"
"Well, it's a family secret." she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."
"Okay." I said, "Tell me."
"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put it into the pie plate and press it firmly against the sides of the plate."
"Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full."
"Next, I cut out the top layer and put it over the filling..."
"Next, I take out my teeth.... and run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see !"
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STEP 1 Go buy a turkey
2 Have a drink of whiskey
3 Put the turkey in the oven
4. Take another drink of whiskey
5 Set the oven at 375
6 Take another drink of whiskey
7 Turn oven on the
8 Take another drink of whiskey
9 Turk the bastey
10 Whiskey another bottle of get
11 Stick a turket in the thermometer
12 Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
13 Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
14 Take the oven out of the turkey
15 Take the oven out of the turkey
16 Floor the turkey up off the pick
17 Turk the carvey
18 Get yourself another scottle of botch
19 Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
20 Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
HaPpy thaNkSHgiVINg
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EATING IN THE FIFTIES
Curry was a surname...
A takeaway was a mathematical problem..
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower..
All potato crisps were plain;
the only choice we had was whether
to put salt on or not..
Rice was only eaten as a pudding.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking..
Tea was made in a teapot, using leaves, and they
were never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was
regarded as white gold. Cubed sugar was
regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.Eating raw
fish was called poverty. not sushi !
None of us had ever heard of yogurt..
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
Prunes were medicinal..
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was
called cattle feed.
The one thing we never had on our table in the fifties were....elbows !
Nor IPhones...
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During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
mickeyminnieplutoheweylouiedeweydonaldgoofysacramento....
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said....
"Hello ! It has to be at least 8 characters, and include at least one capital !"
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PARDON THE PUN...
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder, who indicated that the leaves of a
certain fern were a sure cure for any cause of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in
the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't
need enemas!"
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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately. all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for who the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmy responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage, and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying..." I must have taken Leif off my census."
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I do not like this Uncle Sam...
I do not like his Healthcare plan.
I do not like those dirty crooks...
Or how they lie and cook the books !
I do not like when Congress steals...
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker man...
I do not like," YES WE CAN" !
I do not like their spending spree...
I'm smart, I know that nothings free.
I do not like their smug replies...
When I complain about their lies.
I do not like this kind of hope..
I do not like it... NOPE,NOPE,NOPE !!
.
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Maxine says:
It's time to do some stuff around the house.
Sit around it...
Walk around it...
Lie around it....
Even doctors make mistakes.
Mine asked me to undress.
Got hooked up to high-speed internet.
It crashes a lot faster now.
I'm out of bed and
I made it to the keyboard...
What more do you want??
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you had better be good or you're history. Here's your equiptment...chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walk past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body...
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, " Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
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Old age is golden , or so I've heard it said....
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into my bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup..
My glasses on the table, until I get up.
As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself...
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my youth is all spent...
Is my get up and go, has got up and went !
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin...
And think of the places, ny get up has been !
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During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and Blood Pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts to take of her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! leave your knickers on. Just stick out your tongue !"
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I was going to be a Politician for Halloween....
but my head wouldn't fit up my ass !
***
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Isreal, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will take you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago ( when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land !
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Being old is like being a dog... The high points of the day are scratching, peeing and watching for the mailman.
Do you know what happened 160 years ago this fall?
California became a state. The people had no electricity.
The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there
were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed, except the women had real boobs and
the men didn't hold hands.
Maxine