SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

                               WATCH YOURSELF

Watch your thoughts...

They become words

Watch your words....

They become actions.

Watch your actions...

They become habits.

Watch your habits...

They become character.

Watch your character..

It becomes your destiny!

"IF NOTHING EVER CHANGED, THERE'D BE NO BUTTERFLIES."

[BonnieC10]

TODAY IS THE OLDEST

YOU'VE EVER BEEN....

AND THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL

EVER BE !

SO START LIVING !!

FRIENDS ARE LIKE SEASHELLS..

NO TWO ARE EXACTLY ALIKE,

BUT EACH IS A PRECIOUS TREASURE!

FOR THE PRICE OF A ONE- YEAR GYM MEMBERSHIP...

I CAN REPLACE MY ENTIRE WARDROBE

WITH LARGER CLOTHES.  

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS:

"I am sorry, but after hearing they want to sing the National Anthemn in Spanish..enough is enough !

No where did they sing it in Italian, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German or any other language because of immigration.

It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written .

The news broadcasts even gave the translation....not even close.

Sorry if this offends anyone, but this is MY COUNTRY- IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP !

I am not against immigration...just come through like everyone else. Get a sponsor, have a place to lay your head, have a job, live by the rules and LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all immigrants have in the past...and

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

               GO GREEN AMERICA...... RECYCLE CONGRESS !

[BonnieC10]

                   HOW TO HANDLE STRESS LIKE A DOG...

If you can't eat it or play with it....

then pee on it and walk away.

Lack of planning on your part...

doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.

I will not yell in class...

I will not throw things...

I will not tease the other kids...

I am the teacher

I am the teacher !

NEVER PUT YOUR KEY TO HAPPINESS

IN SOMEONE ELSE'S POCKET.

THE FIRST 50 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, ARE ALWAYS THE HARDEST.

                     Have a marvelous Monday ! 

[BonnieC10]

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Ans: 

Beer nuts are $1.69 a lb.

Deer nuts are under a buck. 

                             A terrific Tuesday to all !

[BonnieC10]

Question:

Where does a one-armed man shop?

Ans:

At a second-hand store...

Question:

Where does satisfaction come from?

Ans:

A satis-factory.

.

                   A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY TO ALL

[communityhost]

Ok, What are they?

[BonnieC10]

ANS;      TAP DANCERS?

[BonnieC10]

"Life is too short

for fake butter,

cheese,

or people."

Question:  What's red, and bad for your teeth?

Ans:   A brick     now shut the !*%#  up !!

No man has ever put his hand up under a woman's skirt looking for a library card...

Joan Rivers

[BonnieC10]

A dog had followed his owner to school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the classroom before the teacher shooed him back outside, closing the door.

The dog sat down and whimpered, staring at the closed door.

God appeared to him, patted him on the head and saud, "Don't feel bad fella'. they won't let me in either."

        GO GREEN....RECYCLE CONGRESS !!

[BonnieC10]

One day two deputies from the Sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a ranch house in West Texas.

What they found was the nude bodies of a man and woman in the bedroom.And in the livingroom the body of a man with a gun.

"Must be a murder suicide" said one deputy. "Probably right," said the second deputy, "But I'll bet when the Sheriff gets here, he'll say it could have been worse." 

"No way, how could it be worse? Three dead bodies, couldn't be worse."

About that time, the sheriff arrived on the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. Then he walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.

"It looks like a double murder suicide." he said shaking his head. "Terrible thing.... but you know it could have been worse !"

"How could it be any worse?" asked the deputy.

The sheriff retorted, "You see that guy on the floor?" "If he had come home yesterday, that would have been me in that bed !!"

[BonnieC10]

THIS TOO SHALL PASS...

PAINFULLY LIKE A KIDNEY STONE...

BUT IT WILL PASS.

CALORIES ARE TINY CREATURES

THAT LIVE IN YOUR CLOSET

AND SEW YOUR CLOTHES A LITTLE

 BIT TIGHTER EVERY NIGHT.

"WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN..

OR THINK YOU CAN'T..

YOUR RIGHT."

HENRY FORD

[BonnieC10]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-Hoo!" she shouts.

"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side !"

CHANGING THE TOILET PAPER WILL NOT CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE.

[BonnieC10]

                            THE BEST OF BOB HOPE

"When I was born, the doctor said to my Mom,  "Congratulations, you have a 10 pound ham!"

                                         ****

"I hear they are making homosexuality legal in California. I'm getting out before they make it manditory!"

                                        ****

On his death bed, Bob Hope was asked where he wanted to be buried. He said, "Surprise me!"

[BonnieC10]

OXYMORON;

A Swift truck

That's slow...

Oldie but goodie:

Husband's note on the fridge to his wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges office called.

They said that the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't even know you liked beer???

[BonnieC10]

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that !!"

She said, I can go out anyway I like, and so can you."

Wherupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker.

The old woman said, "You're going out like that?"

And he replied, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick tater." 

[BonnieC10]

LADIES, GET THOSE MAMMIES GRAMMED !

[BonnieC10]

                SENIOR TRYING TO SET A NEW PASSWORD

WINDOWS... PLEASE ENTER NEW PASSWORD

USER.........  cabbage

WINDOWS... SORRY, PASSWORD MUST BE MORE THAN 8

CHARACTERS.

USER.......... boiled cabbage

WINDOWS... Sorry, must contain one numerical character.

USER.......... 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS... Sorry, cannot have blank space

USER.......... 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS.... Sorry, password must contain at least 1 uppercase

character.

USER........... 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS...  Sorry, the password connot use more than 1 uppercase

characters.

USER.........

  50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShoveupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccess!

WINDOWS...  Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER.........

ReallyPissedOffBloodyBoiledCabbagesshoveupyourassifyoudontgivemeaccessnow.

WINDOWS... SORRY, THE PASSWORD IS ALREADY IN USE

[BonnieC10]

                     GO GREEN .....

              RECYCLE CONGRESS !

[BonnieC10]

QUESTION;

What did the veggie say at the garden party?

ANSWER:

"Lettuce turnip the beet !" 

[BonnieC10]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN :

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar into your bag, you lose your balance and you fall over.

People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask" and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or.... and you can't remember the rest.

You have to carefull choose a contume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason to quit:

You have to keep runny home to pee.!     BOO !

[BonnieC10]

HALLOWEEN ONE LINERS WITH JEFF FOXWORTHY:

Friend:   What are you going to be for Halloween?

Me:      Drunk

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside?

A "Hollow-Weenie.

For Halloween I'm going to write 'Life" on a plain white t-shirt, and hand out lemons to strangers.

Which ghost is the best dancer?

The Boogie Man

This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in, swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden the cobwebs in my house are decorations!

                                  

[BonnieC10]

An Indian Chief walks into a café with a shot gun in one hand, and leading a male Buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, "Want coffee !"

The waiter says, "Sure Chief, coming right up."

He hands the Indian a tall mug of coffee, which he downs in one gulp, then turns and blasts the buffalo with the shot gun, causing a mess everywhere.

The next day the Indian returns. He has a shotgun in one hand, and is leading another buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says, "Want coffee!"

The waiter says, "Whoa Tonto !... we're still cleaning up your mess you made yesterday. What was that all about?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in US Congress..come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day !" 

[BonnieC10]

I was up really late last nite making voodoo dolls for..........

Well, never mind. You'll know who you are soon enough.!   

[BonnieC10]

                               MEXICAN EBOLA

                 He went bowling and ebola perfect game.

                                        ***** 

I hate when I think I'm buying organic veggies, and when I get home I discover they're just regular doughnuts.

                                      *******

We broke up, but she says we can still be cousins. 

[BonnieC10]

ADAM BLAMED EVE.....

EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE....

THE SNAKE DIDN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

                                       ********

It all started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets....the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shreiking and alarms had subsided, I found out that she was referring to how to place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad...

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS :

The leaves have started to change colors.

Which reminds me, I need to clean out the refrigerator. 

Vampires sleep all day, fly wherever they want for free, and can't see themselves in the mirror.... where do I sign up?

If midnight is called "The witching hour", then 6 a.m. should be called 'the bitching hour."

Under no circumstances will I ever let anyone see what I've got locked up in my basement.

Yep. That's where I keep the good beer.

[BonnieC10]

Q.   What do skeletons say before eating?

A> Bone appetite!

Q> What was the mummie's vacation like?

A.  Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell.

Q. What did the goblin say to the witch?

A.  I don't know, you tell me!

Q  Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

[BonnieC10]

Jeff Foxworthy cont.

I'll be your trick

If you'll be my treat.

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?

On Fri-Day.

What's a monsters favorite dessert?

I- Scream !

What do you call a Halloween boner?

Petrified wood.

What do you call a dancing ghost?

Polka-haunt-us.

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

Suddenly one said to the other.  "A lady just rolled her eyes at me, what should I do?"

The other replied, "Roll them back to her."     

[BonnieC10]

Q.   Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

A.    At the casketeria.

Q.   What does a vamoire never order at a restaurant?

A.   A stake sandwich.

Q.   Why do vampires need mouthwash?

A.   They have bat breath.

Q.  What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

A.  A guy with very high blood pressure.