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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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                     THE IMAGES OF MOTHER:

 

 

 

4 Years of age:  My Mommy can do anything..

 

8 Years of age:  My Mommy knows alot !

 

12 Years of age: My mother doesn't really know quite everything...

 

14 Years of Age: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either...

 

16 Years of age: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

 

18 Years of age: That old woman? She's way out of date !

 

25 Years of age: Well, she might know a little about it...

 

35 Years of age: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

 

45 Years of Age: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

 

65 Years of age: Wish I could talk it over with Mom...

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          10 MEANEST MOVIE MOTHERS:

 

 

1. Joan Crawford.....Mommie Dearest

 

2. Piper Laurie........ Carrie

 

3. Ann Bancroft...... The Graduate

 

4. Angelica Huston... The Grifters

 

5. Angela Lansbury..  Manchurian Candidate

 

6. Mary Tyler Moore. Ordinary People

 

7. Anthony Perkins mother in Psycho

 

8. Alberta Watson... Spanking the Monkey

 

9. Katherine Hepburn. Suddenly Last Summer

 

10. Dianne Ladd .....  Wild at Heart

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Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

 

Well we have three kids and at the time of this story they were 4 yrs.old,3 yrs.old, and 1 yr.old.

 

The middle one is Eli and Eli LOVES chap stick... He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So I finally showed him where in the bathroom I keep it, and how he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it back in the drawer when he was done.

 

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around getting ready for Church and everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I'm trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting

on my makeup. Everything is a mess, and everyone has long forgotten that this is a day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood....

 

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded into the car and I'm looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go to the bathroom, and there is Eli.. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's rear end ! Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "Chapped" now if you have a cat you know that he is right...their little butts do look pretty chapped. And frankly Jack didn't seem to mind.

 

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that, or the hundreth...

 

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds me that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt ! Heart

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                 GRANDMA'S HOME REMEDIES

 

 

 

"For better digestion, I drink beer....

 

In case of appetite loss, I drink white wine...

 

In case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine...

 

In case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch..

 

And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps....

 

"When do you drink water?"

 

"I've never been that sick."

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1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

 

2.  Mostly to clean the house.

 

3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

 

 

HOW DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?

 

 

1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

 

2. Magic, plus super powers and a lot of string.

 

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.   ♥

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WHAT INGREDIENTS ARE MOMS MADE OFF?

 

 

God made mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean....

 

 

Why did God give you your mom and not some other mom?

 

 

God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

 

 

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

 

 

They say she used to be nice.

 

 

What did Mom need to know about your dad before she married him?

 

 

His last name.

 

Does he make at least $800 a year?

 

 

 

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?

 

 

 

My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.

 

My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

 

 

Who's the boss in your house?

 

 

 

Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

 

 

 

What's the difference between moms and dads?

 

 

 

Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

 

 

 

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

 

 

 

Mother's don't do spare time.

 

 

 

What would make your Mom perfect?

 

 

 

On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think it would take some sort of plastic surgery.

 

 

 

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A little Jewish grandma is at the Florida coast with her Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach, when a big wave comes and washes him out to sea !

 

The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping water out of his lungs and revive him.

 

They turn to the Jewish grandma and say, "we saved your grandson."

 

The little Jewish grandma says, ....... "He had a hat."     Cat Mad

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A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. When I have a headache, I rest my head on my wife's bosom and the headache goes away."

 

The next day, the man says, " Did you do what I told you to?"

 

"Yes, I sure did ! By the way, you have a nice house"

 

 

 

A little man,who stutters, is running a jewerly store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, and clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks."   and runs out the door.

 

The little jeweler says, "C-C-C- Come in?"

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A Police Officer stops a blonde for speeding and very nicely asks her to see her license.

 

She replied in a huff....... "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you !! "  

 

 

 

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A 92-year-old, well poised, petite and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by 8 o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved into a nursing home today.

 

His wife of 70 years passed away recently, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with enthusiasm .

 

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged....it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice, I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do."

 

"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.So my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."

 

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

 

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply

4. Give more

5. Expect less.

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1. My love for you is like diarreah. I can't hold it in.

 

2. I got a 6pk.of beer, and the new Hank Jr. CD .

 

3. Baby you're finer than a new set of snow tires !

 

4. You're prettier than a beer truck pullin' up in my driveway.

 

5. You're not the best lookin' girl, but beauty's only a light switch away.

 

6. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 

7. Hey baby, nice tooth !

 

8. Wanna come over to my trailer, drink some beer, and see my new velvet Elvis painting?

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic, our Government tracked a single cow, born in Texas years ago, to the stall where she slept in the barn.....

 

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls, but were unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country?

Maybe we should give each of them a cow ! Cat Mad

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I found a penny today

Just lying on the ground..

But it's not just a penny,

This little coin I've found.

 

Found pennies come from heaven,

That's what my grandpa told me.

He said Angels toss them down..

Oh, how I loved that story.

 

He said when an Angel misses you,

They toss a penny down..

Sometimes just to cheer you up,

To make a smile out of your frown.

 

So, don't pass by that penny..

When you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from Heaven,

That an Angel's tossed to you.

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Two old Jewish fathers, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day. Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if there are any people of our ancestry ever born and raised in Mexico?"

 

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask the waiter,"

 

Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks"

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,

" No senor, the cook says no Mexican Jews."

Abe says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

 

The waiter says, "Senor the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews....

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews...

But no Mexican Jews !"  

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Today I said a prayer for you..

It wasn't very long..

I simply wanted God to know,

My feelings all along.

 

I know how much you've loved me,

You made it clear each day..

Sometimes in things you might have done,

Sometimes in words you say.

 

So I wanted God to know,

How much I cherish you...

And I confess that I feel blessed

To have a DAD like you !!

 

 

 

 

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I was at Burger King yesterday. The lady behind the counter was digging at her hair with a mission-like pace. She then would look at whatever she excavated from her melon kneading it between her fingers.

After I watched her do this for about 2 minutes, she looks up at me and says, "What can I get you?"

 

I said, "Not that !"

 

 

Bob Marley

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"Some may own castles on the banks of the Rhine, and hire an orchestra each evening at nine. But richer than I they will never be....

I had a Dad who spent time with me."

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Father's hands are nice to hold.

whenever you are scared or cold.

They're reassuring firm and strong,

They gently guide young lives along.

 

Around the house and yard they lend,

Their skill to build, fix up and tend.

A Father's hands support and teach,

And put new world's within your reach.

 

Blessed is the child who understands,

The love that comes from a Father's hands.

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A father passing by his son's room, was astonished to see the bed was made, and everythig nicely picked up.

Then he saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad" He opened it and read with trembling hands....

 

Dear Dad,

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice..even will all her piercings, tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I. She already owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better...she sure deserves it !

 

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can know your grandchildren.

 

Your son,

John

 

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than in my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it's safe for me to come home.

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Ma loves Pa.....

Pa loves women...

Ma caught Pa...

With 2 in swimmin'...

Here lies Pa.

 

 

A FATHER is someone

Who carries pictures

Where his money used to be.

 

 

Anyone can be a Father....

But it takes someone special

To be a DAD !

.

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They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium.With their rich maroon gowns flowing...and the traditional caps, they looked almost...as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during commmencements..not by choice, but because of a recent ruling prohibiting it.

The principle and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine....until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened........

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!

The students on stage....simply looked at the audience and said...

"GOD BLESS YOU ! Each and every one of you ! " And walked off the stage....

 

The audience exploded into applause.

 

This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland.

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HOME OF THE FREE....

 

BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE !

 

 

 

 

ARMY*** NAVY *** MARINES *** AIR FORCE

 

 

 

 

A SAFE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND TO ALL !

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. "Would you mind telling me Doc," she asked, "How you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears normal?"

"Nothing is easier." he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble."

"What sort of question?" asked Pelosi.

"Well, I might ask,.... Captain Cook made 3 trips around the world, and died during one of them. Which one?"

"You wouldn't have another question would you?I must confess I don't know much about history."   Smiley Frustrated

They drive, they breed, they vote ! Be afraid, be very afraid !

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For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy recently revealed this story:

 

"When an Indian woman gets married, she brings a dowery into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store,a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the U.S.

 

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer the phones and provide us with Verizon tech support."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Position your seat belt low on your hips, like my grandmother wears her bra.   Woman Very Happy

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Me and you is friends.....

 

You smile....... I smile...

 

You hurt........  I hurt...

 

You cry..........  I cry....

 

You jump off a bridge....

 

I gonna miss your Emails.   Cat Sad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                      HOME OF THE FREE

 

                  BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE !

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AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL,

OR SO YOU USED TO BE...

LAND OF THE PILGRIM'S PRIDE,

I'M GLAD THEY'LL NEVER SEE.

 

 

BABIES PILED IN DUMPSTERS,

ABORTION ON DEMAND..

OH, SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY,

YOUR HOUSE IS ON THE SAND.

 

OUR CHILDREN WANDER AIMLESSLY,

POISONED BY COCAINE,

CHOOSING TO INDULGE THEIR LUSTS,

WHEN GOD HAS SAID ABSTAIN.

 

FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA,

OUR NATION TURNS AWAY,

FROM THE TEACHING OF GOD'S LOVE,

AND A NEED TO ALWAYS PRAY.

 

WE'VE KEPT GOD IN OUR TEMPLES,

HOW CALLOUS WE HAVE GROWN.

WHEN EARTH IS BUT HIS FOOTSTOOL,

AND HEAVEN IS HIS THRONE.

 

WE'VE VOTED IN A GOVERNMENT,

THAT'S ROTTING AT THE CORE..

APPOINTING GODLESS JUDGES,

WHO THROW REASON OUT THE DOOR.

 

TOO SOFT TO PLACE A KILLER,

IN A WELL DESERVED TOMB.

BUT BRAVE ENOUGH TO KILL A BABY,

BEFORE HE LEAVES THE WOMB.

 

YOU THINK THAT GOD'S NOT ANGRY?

THAT OUR LAND'S A MORAL SLUM?

HOW MUCH LONGER WILL HE WAIT

BEFORE HIS JUDGEMENT COMES?

 

HOW ARE WE TO FACE OUR GOD

FROM WHOM WE CANNOT HIDE?

WHAT THEN IS LEFT FOR US TO DO,

BUT STEM THIS EVIL TIDE?

 

IF WE WHO ARE HIS CHILDREN

WILL HUMBLY TURN AND PRAY,

SEEK HIS HOLY FACE

AND MEND OUR EVIL WAY.

 

THEN GOD WILL HEAR FROM HEAVEN

AND FORGIVE US OF OUR SINS.

HE'LL HEAL OUR SICKLY LAND

AND THOSE WHO LIVE WITHIN.

 

BUT, AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL,

IF YOU DON'T-THEN YOU WILL SEE,

A SAD HOLY GOD

WITHDRAW HIS HAND FROM THEE.

 

 

JUDGE ROY MOORE

 

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MAXINE SAYS :

 

 

This year Nurses's Day falls on a full moon....

Like they don't get mooned enough already !

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Maineiacs (cont.)

 

 

 

You've made a meal out of a Jordan's red-skinned hot-dog and a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips.

 

 

You would'nt eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowder if you were starving.

 

 

At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on you.

 

 

Your house converts to a B&B every July & August for people from away that you happen to know.

 

 

You know not to plant tender crops until the last full moon in May.

 

 

When you eat supper at night and dinner at noon.

 

 

You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state.

 

 

The area around your back door is referred to as "The dooryard".

 

 

Hope this brought back memories for all of you Maineiacs or former Maineiacs.  Smiley Wink

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MAINEIACS know these things:

 

 

You diet all week so you can consume 40,000 calories at a fair.

 

 

You eat icecream with flavors like "Moose Tracks" and "Maine Black Bear."

 

 

When it snows for inches, you call it 'a dusting."

 

You are surprised to discover there aren't fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.

 

You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.

 

Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in May.

 

 

 

 

 

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CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY....

 

 

 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly...

 

 

Lady who goes camping, must be aware of evil intent...

 

 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg, will not find nuts...

 

 

Man who eats many prunes, get good run for money.

 

 

 

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night...

 

 

 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it...

 

 

 

Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot...

 

 

 

Man who lives in glass house, should change clothes in basement.

 

 

 

A lion would not cheat on his wife,but a Tiger Wood....

 

 

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Because I feel that,

 

  in the heavens above..

 

The angels whispering

 

  one to another...

 

Can find among their

 

 burning terms of love,

 

None so devotional

 

 as that of "Mother"

 

 

Edgar Allen Poe

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