Stepson and family won't leave our house

[waguilar]

My stepson is been living with my wife and I for about 15 years. He's married now and have a 3 year old daughter and now are having another baby. I want us to live along and this creating a lot of anxiety. What can we do? Of 'course it doesn't matter to my wife but I want my life back.

[gm5271]

@fffred 

Yes indeed Fred

🤷‍♀️I'd like to know how situation is going but seems he's only posted 2 times he did here 2 yrs  ago no other community activity 😕

@waguilar 

Hey Wag Stepdad how's it going? Be nice to get an update sure hope things have been better

Take care

Ginger  :  )

[fffred]

Wow, this is one of those situations that I’d sure like to know the outcome of.

[mhb24551]

Your stepson is an adult. Time for him to act like one.  He is not going to move out until you kick him out.  And time for you to stop being an enabler.   This situation is eroding your marriage.  In truth, your wife doesn't want her son to leave.  Somebody is going to have to make the sacrifice.   You are not responsible for providing the boarding house so that he can "save up for a house" of his own. It's an excuse.  The longer he delays, the more costly houses become.  It's long overdue for your stepson to step up to provide a home for his own family, so that you don't have to be held hostage in this situation any more.  If your wife can't accept that, you may have to evaluate if your marriage is worth this bondage to people you are not responsible for.

[ManicProgressive]

Of course, I guess all this is moot until after coronavirus calms down.....stay heathy.

[ManicProgressive]

Is he still working through this coronavirus stuff?

Does his presence or his kid(s)' presence bother your wife at all? I mean.....I love my adult kids but I do want space too.  And does she have other solutions to this problem that would make both you and your stepson happy? Move to a much bigger house with an in-law suite, for example? Is she willing to commit the funds for something like that at this age?  But she should be in on the problem solving here too.  It might make her see his moving out is truly the best solution.

It's hard to know about the timeline. If he's working and you can afford it, I'd offer to pay the moving expenses. If you can do that, I'd make it a shorter timeline. Three months?

A passive aggressive way to do it is to double the "rent" he's paying. Make it less palatable to live there. Put that extra money aside and give it to him when he moves out or actually buys a house. If that makes your wife feel better.

[waguilar]

That's great advice. We've talked to him about it but her never gives a solid answer. He tells us he's saving money to buy a house. But I don't know if I should believe him or not. He gives $600 every month but we pay for everything else: food, shelter, utilities, etc.

The problem is that my wife doesn't want to take a drastic step like giving him an ultimatum. This makes me the bad guy. But this is affecting our marriage. You're right, their baby is very noisy. She wasn't like that but now she's in her terrible twos and screams for no reason and runs all over the house. I can't imagine when they have the other baby. The wife is due in September.

What kind of time should I give him to move out?

Thanks for all the advice,

It's appreciated.

Concerned stepdad.

[ManicProgressive]

I'm sorry.  😞  That's a long time for him to have lived with you as an adult.   Have you had discussions with him before about moving out?  

Does he have the means of moving out?  A stable job with sufficient income?  

Are you also providing care for his child?

Do you charge him rent now, or some form of monthly charge for the resources he and his little family use?  

The best way, of course, is to rip off the bandaid and just tell him you need him to move out by a certain date.   You don't even have to give reasons why.  But some reasons could include expenses, loss of room in your own house from his growing family, too much noise, risk of illness (little kids bring illness into the home), your or your wife's health concerns (if you have them).  I'm sure there are more, but those are my first thoughts.

If it makes it easier somehow, and you can afford it, offering to pay some expenses for a certain period of time (like child care costs or a contribution to rent or mortgage) might incentivize him to move out.  Don't offer help indefinitely.  

Or, a dramatic choice would be to move yourself, and tell him he and his family cannot move with you.