Still under the shock ...

[achao365]

My husband had a hemorrhagic in his brain, i.e. a massive stroke, on August 7, and was gone in less than a hour.  We just started our vacation in Las Vegas the day before.  I am still under the shock,  cannot accept the reality.  My two daughters rush to the hospital immediately, one from northern California, and the other from Europe.  My two sisters and brother also drove more than 10 hours  from San Jose area to Las Vegas to be with me.  Without them I could not know how I could survive the time of hell.  My husband had always wanted to be an organ donor and we honored his wish and donor every organ they found useful.  Next day the hospital help an "Honor Walk" for him between the ICU and the Operating Room where they would retrieve his useful organs.  The music "Sun Rise Sun Set" (chosen by my daughter) was playing since he left the ICU, we walk behind to accompany him for the final walk.  Words cannot describe the sharp pain, everyone cried uncontrollable and unstoppably. 

We are back in New York now, and are planning a memorial service for him in late September.  Such an unrealistic feeling , I still think he would walk in thru the door and  greet us.  My older daughter has been with me for a few days, but she said I have become so agitable and irritable that it is impossible for her to be around me.  My younger one has gone back to California earlier. So I am all by myself now.  Be alone is such a horrible feeling!   

[BeatleloverKT]

I am so sorry this is late but I had to compose 

myself before I could respond. I lost my

husband to Colon cancer on-hold on- August

7th, 2018. That awful date 😡 Unlike your

husband, he suffered for ten months until

he passed. People

think you have all this time to prepare and you

don’t. It was a shock. Four years later and I’m 

still grieving. I am in a better place mentally but

still grieving. I doubt I will ever stop grieving.

As a long time OR Nurse, I can tell you that

donating his organs was a wonderful thing to 

do. The Honor walk is an amazing part of

that journey. You should be proud of him and

yourself for all you went through. I spend a lot

of time alone. Have two sons, 1 lives with me,

1 around the corner. But they work all the time

and have their own lives, which is important.

My husbands entire side of the family and a

lot of friends just walked away. So I know how

you feel. It’s very painful. Please know you are

not alone. We all feel your pain and understand.

Please continue to let us know how you’re 

doing. Take good care of yourself 🙏 Kathy

[SueS788527]

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your pain.  My husband also had colon cancer, Stage 4, which was diagnosed in December 2019.  I have had to work through all the trauma of his treatment, which went well in the first year, and his rapid decline in the second year.  After the long-awaited Radioactive Bead treatment, which was intended to shrink his tumors in the liver, he became totally paralized.  He never walked again and that was a terrible result for both of us.  I have written to the Radiologist, bead manufacturer, oncologist, and the hospital.  The only one responding was the hospital.  Sad story but I now realize that his body just did not accept any more of the chemicals and shut down.  The promises of alternative treatment are not always true, and patients and their families should be told of the hazards of alternative treatments.  I am still in pain since my husband died last year in October and probably will be for a long time, given that we knew each other for 50 years.  The mind might accept his loss, but the heart does not.  That's the way grief works or doesn't.  Thank you for your kind words and understanding.  We are all on this journey together.  Sue

[BeatleloverKT]

We are kindred spirits for sure. We

thought it was gallbladder trouble

but he was already at Stage IV.
John also had the beads and was

doing better until he had a heart

attack while shoveling snow. Drove

himself to the hospital and went into 

Cardiac arrest while I was at his

bedside.

I called the code. Having the heart

attack delayed his Chemo for about

3 months.By then it was too late. He

died less then 2 weeks after turning

62. Such a tragedy that your husband became paralyzed. I am sure you were

both devastated. Your story helps me 

with my grief and I thank you for that.

I have a long way to go but having 

support means everything to me

Kathy 💜🙏

[SueS788527]

Thanks for the response, Kathy.  In retrospect it appears that once a patient is off of chemo, like my husband waiting for the beads and your husband after the heart attack, the body is invaded by the cancer cells in other organs.  In our situation, it was the lungs and abdomen area.  So, from a clinical standpoint, we cannot blame ourselves for the unfortunate outcome.  I did for many months and experienced post traumatic episodes until I journaled and read more articles on the subject.  Be kind to yourself.  You did everything you could to help your husband, and as one wise person told me early on, you probably extended his quality of life due to your love and caregiving.  Cherish that thought.  You are not alone in your grief.  I wish you peace and some serenity as we enter the holiday season.  Don't overdo it and take care of yourself.  Your friend, Sue

[Janiceww6254]

My husband had Melanoma.  It was fast moving and took his life on 9\18\22.  I know your pain and am just trying to get my life together.  He was with me at home until the last three days when he went to Hospice only because I could no longer control the pain at home.  I treasure the days we spent together and miss him terribly.  Sharing grief with someone helps.  Please write me and we can communicate.  I too am alone. Janice

[MattM657073]

So sorry to hear about your loss. It is always devastating, even when one knows it is close. Thank God for your loving and supportive family! What a show of support and love for you and him. You both must be amazing parents to raise such amazing and responsible children!

[SueS788527]

I am so sorry for your loss and am glad that you reached out to this forum to start sharing.  Many of us who read these postings live through our own pain along with you.  My husband died almost 11 months ago, and I am still grieving.  Like you I received a lot of support early on after his death and then silence.  This was hard given the time of year with the holidays.  I agree with some of the suggestions that you may want to start looking around for grievance support groups.  Also, what helped me a lot was journaling since it allowed me to express my emotions in a safe environment.  The first weeks and months are tough, and you will unfortunately feel alone.  One advice from a friend which helped me was to do something that makes you happy on a regular basis.  It can be a small gesture like listening to music, walking, gardening, etc.  Whatever you enjoy and that can take your mind off the pain for a little while.  Also, as someone said, please take care of yourself.  Eating and sleeping are important, and, in the beginning, you may not do much of either one.  I lost 30 pounds and slept about 4 hours a night for the first months.  Don't stress out - just know that you have to get back on track over time.  Gauge yourself if you want to talk to friends and family or want alone time.  That is up to you.  You are in a major life change and will find that generally you can get through this with support and reflection.  If so inclined, a faith-based grievance group like GriefShare can help.  I subscribed to their daily messages and that actually was a good way for me to start the day.  Be kind to yourself and look for healing and recovery.  At the same time be mindful that grievance is a longer journey with ups and downs.  However, you will prevail if you have patience and fortitude.  You are not alone.  Best wishes for a better day.  Sue

[KCN22999]

here is hands on, right now or whatever time "helps" the best I have found:

whatsyourgrief   dot com

They will be starting an online community, meanwhile they have free, huge amount of resources for all walks of life...

griefshare  dot org

find your area.....

Your local hospice has bereavement meetings, 

these meetings offer many resources to help yourself or perhaps a new acquaintance for you.

Books, podcasts, music, puzzles, or any online resources are good for the 230AM sleepless nights- find out what works then prep for the sleepless nights that pop up.

2 emails a day, no cost- have seriously helped me, you sign up for them, one is from, look online:

notices at cfsfuneralhomes  dotcom,

the other from

Griefsharedailyemails    dot com

If you can start online and gather information of your local area for hands on help- if there is any offered. One last thing, learned from those emails (they give you hands on help)- one is doing physical things at your "NOT regular" time: do your laundry at night to take up the silent evenings, shake things up switch chores around- it really helped. Know when the worst of times of the day slides in then switch things up- make a list of what you can do at those times.

You will be in a fog for a while. 

[SueS788527]

i agree with the list and would add that the GriefShare daily messages have helped me greatly and I actually look forward to reading them to start my day.  I was in a fog for quite a while after my husband died but still had to take care of all the necessary paperwork.  That was tough.  But you will find inner strength you never thought you had.  Give yourself a break and realize that you lost your loved one in a tragic and unexpected way.  Don't be critical of yourself, take time to do something you enjoy like listening to music, gardening, reading, etc to take your mind off of the loss for a few hours.  I wish you all the best.  It is a slow process but necessary to rebuild your life.  

[GailL1]

@achao365 

I am so sorry - losing one's partner - probably a long time one - is bad but having it happen so fact must have been devastating.  I am glad that your family got there fast to help you - but understand that now that all the functional things are done that you are now hit with the real reality of it all.  I remember it; I felt it as I read your post - although it has been almost 17 years ago for me - it is hard, really hard - putting one foot of the other is sometimes all you can do.  Posting here is a good step, keeping perhaps a diary - that you can burn one day - I sought the help of grief counselors - whatever helps.  

Know that I am thinking about you and know the path that you will be walking - it does get better - with time and taking those "one foot in front of the other" steps day by day.

Go ahead and scream and cry - then that will progress to something else - I cleaned the house - room by room, planted all kinds of stuff in the yard - I just moved.  Don't forget to eat and take care of your body (and mind).  For some people, friends help, for others they go . . . . that wasn't me.  Whatever gets you through the hell of grief - there is a crossover.

Thinking about you.