Loss of husband

[ElaineM928269]

After being married 49 years and 9 months, my husband passed away.  He went in for pre-op testing because he was having a second knee replacement done.  They found two blocked arteries - one was 95% and the other 80% plus he had an aneurysm by his heart.  He needed open heart surgery.  The doctor was very confident and didn't foresee any complications.  Unfortunately, people are not always right.  My husband was bleeding and he wouldn't clot.  I still don't really know what that means except that he is no longer with me.

I feel so alone even though I have a daughter.  She has her own family to worry about.  I have a brother in law and sister in law who try helping me whenever they can.  My friends are there to listen, but have their own lives.

I just cry and cry.  I know he wouldn't want me to be doing this, but I'm just so sad.  I miss him.

[mc6844]

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@ElaineM928269 wrote:

After being married 49 years and 9 months, my husband passed away.  He went in for pre-op testing because he was having a second knee replacement done.  They found two blocked arteries - one was 95% and the other 80% plus he had an aneurysm by his heart.  He needed open heart surgery.  The doctor was very confident and didn't foresee any complications.  Unfortunately, people are not always right.  My husband was bleeding and he wouldn't clot.  I still don't really know what that means except that he is no longer with me.

I feel so alone even though I have a daughter.  She has her own family to worry about.  I have a brother in law and sister in law who try helping me whenever they can.  My friends are there to listen, but have their own lives.

I just cry and cry.  I know he wouldn't want me to be doing this, but I'm just so sad.  I miss him.

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[TrudyA789507]

Elaine, I too on August 27th lost my husband of 42 years. The pain is too much for anyone to bear alone. I stopped by here because I need help, so I understand what you are going through.  My husband’s absence is overwhelming and the silence around the house is deafening, which only gets broken when my daughter and two granddaughters stop by. I feel lost in a sea of paperwork which I don’t, most of the time, understand what I’m reading and have to read again. My brain is in a fog unable to think. All we can do is take one day at a time, and take care of ourselves. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Winter2025VA]

Dear Trudy @TrudyA789507 , I am so sorry for your loss dear friend!!!

Thanks for stopping by to "support" our Elaine @ElaineM928269 .

Yes, one step at a time.

Luv,

Nicole. 🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** TRUDY 

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@TrudyA789507 wrote:

Elaine, I too on August 27th lost my husband of 42 years. The pain is too much for anyone to bear alone. I stopped by here because I need help, so I understand what you are going through.  My husband’s absence is overwhelming and the silence around the house is deafening, which only gets broken when my daughter and two granddaughters stop by. I feel lost in a sea of paperwork which I don’t, most of the time, understand what I’m reading and have to read again. My brain is in a fog unable to think. All we can do is take one day at a time, and take care of ourselves. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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[mc6844]

Elaine, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. Please stop by the grief forum whenever you can. Leave a bit of emotion and grief each time. There are good people here who are knowledgeable and kind. Lots of experience to share please take good care of yoursel! 

[BettyH506890]

I'm sorry Elaine for your loss.   It's lonely without our partners.  My husband died 4 years ago. My son lives with me, but he's not very talkative or very social. My granddaughter tries but like your's she has a baby and her own life.  It's lonely even with people around.   😔 I don't have much interest in things anymore.   I feel for you.  

[angelal321199]

Elaine,

My heart breaks for you! Although, I too have experience the lost of my husband, I don't think any one of us can say, "I know how you feel" each person is different. My husband went for a physical checkup in May 2023, and was gone by November 2023. I can understand the hurt and loneliness. I have 2 grown children and like you, they have their own lives and I don't want to disrupt them. When you want to cry, cry!  It will be 2 years November 2025 and I still sometimes cry. Always remember the good fun times. Continue to take one day at a time. Stay busy, put on lively music, watch a good comedy, and remember the beautiful love and times you had together. Our love ones are only asleep, we will see them again!

[mc6844]

Angela, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing encouragement and hope! Please take care!

[WalkingWoman]

This is a lonely time.  I miss my husband, Jim, married for 44 years, and I miss the person that I was when I was with him.  I find myself missing the life we had together, and not sure how to go from being 'us' to being 'me'.

[josiew17924]

I live every day with the way you are feeling. My mantra since 2020 is “Without you there is no Me”. I can’t seem to channel my grief to a more positive way of living - I try- but I do hope that in time you will be able to channel your grief through the wonderful memories that you shared. You are not alone in this journey however, we are all different so, take as long as you need.

[Winter2025VA]

Dear @josiew17924 , I am so sorry for your loss dear friend!!!

Thank you SO MUCH for stopping by to "support" OUR Elaine @ElaineM928269 .

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** 

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@josiew17924 wrote:

I live every day with the way you are feeling. My mantra since 2020 is “Without you there is no Me”. I can’t seem to channel my grief to a more positive way of living - I try- but I do hope that in time you will be able to channel your grief through the wonderful memories that you shared. You are not alone in this journey however, we are all different so, take as long as you need.

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[DebraM257246]

So sorry.

It is a difficult journey. One breath at a time.  1 miniute at a time.

Sad, happy, in agony, ok, grieve, love.

And they come in no particular order or tumeframe.  Grieve and love will be with you as long as you live.

It is all ok

[mc6844]

Yes, I think that's what it is. A part of life. And a process. The key is not to let a brick wall of resistance to grief overwhelm us. Take one brick out at a time. You know, instead of looking through a window, look beyond it. 

[Winter2025VA]

MC @mc6844 , SO GOOD to hear from you!!!

Luv,

Nicole  ‌🤗‌‌🤗‌‌🤗‌  (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** MC 

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@mc6844 wrote:

Yes, I think that's what it is. A part of life. And a process. The key is not to let a brick wall of resistance to grief overwhelm us. Take one brick out at a time. You know, instead of looking through a window, look beyond it. 

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[GaPeach72]

 I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you feel. I watched my Mama after my Daddy passed in 1981. I pray peace and comfort for you and your family.I know it doesn't seem like it now but it does get better. God's peace🙏🌻

[GailL1]

@ElaineM928269 

So Sorry for your loss after 49 years, yes, it is hard and will be that way for a good while - relief comes slowly.  Sometimes you think it will never end -   It has been just a few months shy of 20 years since I lost my husband of 38 years - I think it felt like longer since we not only lived life together, we also worked together and I had known him since the 3rd grade.  And those 20 years since his death still seems just like yesterday at times.  

I am sure that he would understand your crying - crying is a way to help mend the heart of missing him so much.   I wish I could tell you that things will get better fast but there is nothing fast about grief - sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other - and even that seems grueling.  Try to handle life matters as best you can but try not make any big life changes until you are on firmer ground emotionally.

I kept a journal for years, wrote about my feeling, I talked to my husband in it - I was angry, sad, confused, bewildered - I wrote about our history together and where we had been and what we had done.  I just wrote whichever way the pen took me.  It helped a lot.  Then one day I just said, that’s it no more writing and I just burned it - I never wanted to read it, never wanted anybody else to read it either - so the best place was up in flames - but those times writing and getting it all out did do wonders for me because after a while I did realize that I was and could move forward.

@Winter2025VA keep this particular board updated so I hope that you might find something to help you along these Journey of Days.  My heart aches for you cause even as I write this to you, I am feeling those right with you as many others do also.

Best to you.

[ElaineM928269]

Thank you for your kind words.  It's been a long six months since his passing. I'm trying to do things as he would do them. I try to take one day at a time...sounds easier than what it is.  I plan on staying in our home.  No change there.  Weekends seem to be the worse.  Thanks again.

[MerriS613632]

God be with you, I lost my husband May 16th 2016 after 50 years. People are going to tell you it gets better it doesn't it just gets different we learn do things differently. I hate the waves of emotion sometimes I feel guilty for being happy but we know that they want us to be happy I rely on my faith, sometimes I pray for God to take me home so I can see him again but then I wake up and I will have had a dream about him or my mom or my dad, for my best friend from high school two of my older brothers several family members. At 68 I'm tired but I will live to 125 if that be God's will to carry the message of all the miracles he's worked in my life. Such as bringing me back to like four times in the last 6 years they say what does not kill us makes us stronger I'm feeling quite strong enough Lord anytime you need to talk just hit me up. If you would like my email you're most welcome to send direct message to me also on Facebook you can find me as 

Merri Bea Shryock

I am hugging you with my heart right now, I'm in Las Vegas

[Winter2025VA]

Gail @GailL1 , thank you SO MUCH for your support for Elaine @ElaineM928269 !!!  💛💛💛

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➡️[*** GAIL @GailL1 wrote:

@ElaineM928269 

So Sorry for your loss after 49 years, yes, it is hard and will be that way for a good while - relief comes slowly.  Sometimes you think it will never end -   It has been just a few months shy of 20 years since I lost my husband of 38 years - I think it felt like longer since we not only lived life together, we also worked together and I had known him since the 3rd grade.  And those 20 years since his death still seems just like yesterday at times.  

I am sure that he would understand your crying - crying is a way to help mend the heart of missing him so much.   I wish I could tell you that things will get better fast but there is nothing fast about grief - sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other - and even that seems grueling.  Try to handle life matters as best you can but try not make any big life changes until you are on firmer ground emotionally.

I kept a journal for years, wrote about my feeling, I talked to my husband in it - I was angry, sad, confused, bewildered - I wrote about our history together and where we had been and what we had done.  I just wrote whichever way the pen took me.  It helped a lot.  Then one day I just said, that’s it no more writing and I just burned it - I never wanted to read it, never wanted anybody else to read it either - so the best place was up in flames - but those times writing and getting it all out did do wonders for me because after a while I did realize that I was and could move forward.

@Winter2025VA keep this particular board updated so I hope that you might find something to help you along these Journey of Days.  My heart aches for you cause even as I write this to you, I am feeling those right with you as many others do also.

Best to you.

---

[MerriS613632]

❤️🙏❤️

[Winter2025VA]

Elaine @ElaineM928269 , I am SO SORRY for your loss dear friend & glad you stopped by.

Counseling has "helped" some of us while others have found "volunteering" keeps them busy & around people.

I am SO GLAD you have "support" from folks that CARE.

WE will ALWAYS "miss" them & taking EACH MOMENT as it comes has helped me with my journey.

I hope you will stop by AGAIN to see us & I luv to "chat" = feel free to bend my ears when YOU need to.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

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➡️[*** ELAINE @ElaineM928269 wrote:

After being married 49 years and 9 months, my husband passed away.  He went in for pre-op testing because he was having a second knee replacement done.  They found two blocked arteries - one was 95% and the other 80% plus he had an aneurysm by his heart.  He needed open heart surgery.  The doctor was very confident and didn't foresee any complications.  Unfortunately, people are not always right.  My husband was bleeding and he wouldn't clot.  I still don't really know what that means except that he is no longer with me.

I feel so alone even though I have a daughter.  She has her own family to worry about.  I have a brother in law and sister in law who try helping me whenever they can.  My friends are there to listen, but have their own lives.

I just cry and cry.  I know he wouldn't want me to be doing this, but I'm just so sad.  I miss him.

---

[Winter2025VA]

😴  It is about 8:45pm ET for me in Virginia Elaine @ElaineM928269 . I hope you get some sleep TONIGHT & was able to stay "hydrated" with some food. My sleep and eating has their moments.  🙄

I will check on you in the morning.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

[Winter2025VA]

👋  Good morning dear Elaine @ElaineM928269 !!!

We do have two "kind & caring" AARP Experts Jane @JaneCares and Amy @agoyer who are available IF you have any questions.

You didnot mention when you experienced your loss dear friend. IF it is "recent" THEY will know the "best" way to handle stuff (burial, estate, sorrow, depression, anger, family drama, finances and so on).

Any plans for TODAY?

Me, I have a 8:30am ET appt at CVS to get my Senior's Flu Shot, I am 67. HATE needles, but trying to stay "well" for my only child and cat.

Anyway dear friend, I am here ALWAYS for you.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

[ElaineM928269]

Good Morning:  Thank you for reaching out.  My husband passed away 6 months ago.  No special plans for today.  From September to June, I watch my grandchild, so that will be starting up again.  I do plan on having dinner with two friends later this week.  One has been a widow for over 40 years; the other still is fortunate enough to have her husband.  Enjoy your day!

[JaneCares]

Hi, Elaine! Six months since your husband died. Seems like yesterday, and seems like an eternity. Depends on the moment. How old is your grandchild? You spend September through June with her/him: she/ he is not yet school age? I bet you know the zoo, and area parks, very well. Is there a YMCA with a kid pool? What do you like to do with this very lucky child?

I love the advice you've received already. GailL kept a journal and then she didn't need it as much and she burned it. Reminds me of my early knitting projects: they looked like swiss cheese, and so i decided not to judge myself for my beginner's efforts and just plug along. Until my knitting looked like knitting. Perhaps journaling helps you with the baby steps of exploring a new life, one you most certainly did not want to have or explore without your husband. And once you've moved down the path a bit further, you'll find you don't need the journal. Your steps are no longer baby steps. You can make strides now. And sometimes back to baby steps, and a fetal position. But the strides are easier now. Maybe with the new Spring...

Glad to hear you are making a social date with your friends, a widow and a married gal. One of the weird things about coming out of a long marriage is that there are parts of yourself that atrophied when you married, and those interests, those parts of yourself, are dormant. After 4 decades, it's probably hard to remember who you were. Or maybe you can think right away: oh yeah, i always wanted to make pottery, or learn to fly an airplane... or find the old family homestead in Scotland...

And, there's no rush. Good thing, because grief can take away the ability to rush about anything...

Remember when your child was small? I bet you introduced them to different things to see what stuck. Like gymnastics, or basketball, or whatever. Perhaps there are classes or lectures or adventures you could sign up for ... and then not go! Until you feel like going. Or maybe a friend would go, too. Maybe it's a new part of Elaine that didn't know it needed to be in her late 60's to start sprouting.

I echo what every one else says: grief is a slow moving companion, so slooow. And so painful to be around. And you are pruned and carved into someone new. Same Elaine, and also a different Elaine. 

Perhaps the journaling idea would help with the weight of the grief. Good old Shakespeare: "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak / Knits up the o'er-wrought heart and bids it break".  Well your heart is already broken but it's healing. The world breaks everyone, and some grow strong in the broken places. Hemingway. You're allowed to be weak, and blubber, and feel aimless and void. And keep an eye on your grandchild. Engage this child in exploration of a puzzling world. And help this child know there is love in this world, good in this world. That's a gift to the child and to the world! And to yourself.

Thank you for sharing your grief here. Keep sharing if you like. Nicole is our mother hen: she keeps an eye on us!

Jane

[ElaineM928269]

Good morning Jane.  Thank you for taking the time for such encouraging and helpful advice.  Right now, I have no interest in trying anything new.  It's enough to get through the day.  I can relive those last three days of my husband's life as if it were yesterday, which only make me feel worse.  I wonder what was he thinking that morning when he left our home, I wonder what was he thinking as he said good-bye to me as they rolled him into the operating room.  These thoughts make me sick.  He wasn't supposed to have died!!  We were a very home-body kind of couple.  Went away if we wanted, but had no big dreams.  We were happy being home.  Sorry to be going on and on.  The start of a new month.  Where does the time go?  Thank you again.  Enjoy your day.

[JaneCares]

Unexpected loss is so hard. He was probably thinking, I'll be glad when all of this is over and I can hang out with Elaine in our cozy home!  And then he went to sleep in the OR and never woke up. You were unprepared. What a SHOCK. You are not going on and on. You are sharing your experience, and there is no deadline, no time frame, no limit. Grief takes its time and so you survive every day, and that is an accomplishment. 

You are there in your home. Any fixing up, or transformations you and he wanted to accomplish? Gardening goals? it's time to put the garden to bed, or getting there  depending where you live. 

Your big dream was to live the cozy life, and you did for a while. And now there are other dreams.

We're here for all the going on you want to do.

Jane

[JohnD284400]

I’m so sorry for the loss.. I don’t know why but you remind me of my wife. I also lost her Aug 24 2024 the worst date of my life… I’m pulling up together now 

I hope you get better soon.