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Losing Your Mother

I just loss Mama, Feb. 13 this year. The pain is so deep. I'm lost without her. It seems it is unreal at times. She was such a kind sweet lady and my very best friend. I miss her badly.

Rhonda
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I lost my mother April 13, 2016, at 8:05 in the morning. I was sitting beside her when she passed. She had advanced COPD, from years of smoking. Her lungs were struggling to breathe, and then she just stopped breathing. Don't know how to express the crushing pain that suddenly came on me. I'm 66 and she was 82, I was her first born son.

She was the most recent of a string of deaths that have haunted my family for the last 20 years. My step-father in '99, my youngest brother in 2005, my  father in 2008, my two closet friends of 59 years, and now my mother, the greatest treasure I had next to my wife of 30 years.

I moved back to my home town to care for her in '99, and took early retirement when things got really bad. Finally, the last two years of her life, my wife and I moved in with her, to better care for her. She had always been there for me. I was the rotten apple of 3 children. Nothing really bad, just couldn't stay out of trouble. But her love and patience never failed, and she way always there. Her faith in Jesus Christ was her greatest strength, and sustained her to the end..

Now the first anniversary of her passing is coming and I find the pain is there yet. Going through old papers and memories, deciding what to keep and what to discard sometimes driving me near craziness. Crazy enough that I fell into an old drug habit that only added to the pain. But like my mother, my strength was found in Jesus Christ, and a cureous dream. Weeks after her passing, I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours, and I'd wake either sobbing or just numb from the vacancy in my life. One night, my body and it's needs took over and I slept the night thru, and as the morning came I dreamed I was just waking up in bed as a child. The bedroom door opened and in walked my mother. Not old and worn out as she was when she passed, but young and vibrant as she was when I was a child. She sat down on the edge of the bed, not saying anything, but giving me that loving smile that always said so much more than works can say. She then stood, smiled again and turned and left the room. After that I woke up. From that day till now the pain has abated to an ach that I know will ease with time. The Lord has been my greatest strength and my family and friends have done what they could. Still, I break down occasionally, living in the house she lived in for 55 years. My family is down to two now, just my brother and me, and our wifes who support us so well. We carry on day to day, one foot in front of the other. But the dred of losing another family member sits on my shoulder like a vulture, waiting. Don't know how I would be able to deal with anymore lose. So I pray often, drawing strength from my Lord and carry on. One day at a time. From His strength I recovered from the drugs, and am clean again. Without that haze, life seems brighter again, and I've got a handle on it again. But it will never be as briight a when my mother was here. I shouldn't wish her back, I know she's so much better now. The COPD made her so miserable. but I find I do if only to say goodbye, as I didn't get the chance when she passed. All I can do is," watch the foot steps in the sand", until it's finally my turn. Til then, one day at a time, as always.

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My mom died about a week ago and it hurts so bad. She contracted pneumonia and was in intensive care for three weeks. She beat the pneumonia and was transferred to a rehab facility to work to get her strength back. She had a strong will to live, but her body gave up and within 24hrs of being transferred back to the hospital she was gone. 

 

People I know through work and socially are going out of their way to avoid me and I know it is the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. If I am not numb, it is the intrinsic pain of sorting through and dividing out a lifetime of memories. Waiting each Tuesday night at ten after nine for the phone that will never ring again. Am taking it one day at a time.

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Hello. I just found these posts about grief and specifically losing our moms. First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I wanted to reply to your post in particular because it reminded me of when I lost my mom. She passed 6 years ago but seems like yesterday She was my best friend and when she became ill and knew she was going to die I thought I didn't know how I could live the rest of my life without her. She was recovering from lung surgery and contracted pneumonia and wss transferred to a nursing facility and it was downhill from there. She was a tough lady and fought so hard. I remember the nigjt she passed she could no longer speak but talked to me with her eyes. She looked at me with such pain. Like she was trying to tell me something. She wanted to go and it looked as if sje wanted permission. I kissed her and said "mom its ok to go" and she died 2 hours later. My brother played her favorite music - Frank SInatra and Elvis. I felt my heart break. But I knew she finally was at peace. To this day its still hard without her here. We always had sunday dinner together. Spoke on the phone every day. That all stopped. What really upset me more than anything was how people treated me after. No one called. No one checked on me to see if I needed anything. Not even my brother.I felt totally abandoned. I couldn't understand peoples lack of compassion! I know people don't really know what to do or say when you lose a loved one but i knew that if the tables were turned I would be checking in on that person to give them emotional support if nothing else. It sounds like you went thru the same thing. You really do find out who's there for you in a time of crisis. I did go thru grief counseling which taught me the coping skills to deal with the pain. After my mom passed, I then lost my son. I thought my reason for living was gone. Thank God I did have those coping skills. All you can do is take one day at a time.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the immense pain that you are feeling. I do know that it is a pain that I have dreaded having for most of my life. From the time that I became aware of death, I was terrified that I would lose my mom. She had me when she was older; and, I am an only child. I have such a deep love for my mother. She raised me all alone. My mother and father divorced when I was really young. I knew that she loved me with all her heart. The Lord was the only being that she put above me. She gave up having a life, just so that I would have a happy and safe life.

When I was growing up, I knew that I would be totally alone. I could vision myself, sitting all alone, at home and in the dark, after the funeral and burial. No one would offer to come and be with me; because, they all wanted to get away from the sadness and me. Everyone wanted to get as far away as they could because they did not want to hear anymore of my stories. You find out who your true friends and family are after death and other losses. 

Now, my mother is a lot older and sickly. She depends on me just like I have always depended on her. I still have that fear about losing my mom, but now I have a grown son and a husband that I know will be right by my side. I also have faith that the Lord will give me the strength to go through one of the worst times of a son or daughter's life. 

Please try reaching out to your other family and close friends. You are right when you say that they do not know what to say to you. They do not want to say or do anything to give you more grief. Let them know that you need them now more than ever. Be specific so that they will know what you need. I bet you will be surprised at how many people love you and really want to be there for you. I will be praying for you. I want the Lord to be there for for you, to give you love, guidance and strength. 

Tulesa

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My mother left us in 2009 (Dementia/Alzheimers). This had been real bad on all of us. As with any death, it took me quite some time to get over the loss of my mother. Holidays were not the same. We usually have Thanksgiving at our house, but since her death in Aug. 2009, that year i was still in mourning of my mother & didn't have it that year. The last thing i remember saying to my mother, was that i loved her & hoped she knew it. The feeling of depression, sadness all seemed to have lifted off me about 3 or 4 days after her funeral, when i woke up from a dream that relieved me. The dream was of my mother at some kind of a small eatery & i saw her doing what she loved (eat). All of a sudden, she got up & walked out the door. I remember running out to her, but couldn't find her. I then cried, yelling for my mother. Someone stopped me & hugged me, then said "she's gone". When i woke up, i knew what the dream meant. On that day, she went up to Heaven. I found out later that my sister had a similar dream that same morning. I believe that my mother visited both of us in our dreams to tell us that she was doing fine.

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My Mother passed away suddenly and totally unexpectedly 1973 when she was 47 years old.  To this day I remember every detail of that evening and two days later my two sisters and I were without a Mother.  My oldest sister was 15, I was 14 and the youngest was 11.  Even though I dream of her quite often, I just wish I could remember her voice.  Even though I have accepted her death, my youngest sister still grieves for our Mother to this day.  My youngest sister was never given the opportunity to know what a Mothers love is like and to have someone she could confide in.  We were lucky in one aspect, our Grandmother lived across the road from us and immediately took on the responsible of raising us.  A Grandmother raising three teen and pre-teen children was not an easy task on her or on us.  But too this day I am glad she was strict with us and feel proud knowing she do a great job to ensuring we turned out to be wonderful adults.  I know our Mother continues to watch over us and guiding us even in our adult lives.   

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I lost my mother in 1999 to the Lord, but she is with my Lord and my Lord. I miss her so. The gave her to me for 80 plus years, and I am thankful. I am aware that some people lost their mother when they was a child. I know that she is in the arm of our Father and his son Jesus, that make me happy:

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We hear about the loss of wonderful Mom's when the subject is brought up. My Mom was literally meaner than a snake and in her later years, she hated me with deep passion. She tried to do everything she could to harm me, short of hiring some to do phyical assult on me. What was held against me was that I was a result of her first marriage and didn't fit into her new family.THE GOOD NEWS I married a wonderful woman who is a great mother to our daughter. Because of the pain from the family I grew up in I tried very hard and tirelessly to be the best Dad I can be. My adult daughter thinks I'm one of the best Dad's there is. Definately our family's Christ centered focus helped us to see new and the best ways for us.

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@Darrel24 wrote:

We hear about the loss of wonderful Mom's when the subject is brought up. My Mom was literally meaner than a snake and in her later years, she hated me with deep passion. She tried to do everything she could to harm me, short of hiring some to do phyical assult on me. What was held against me was that I was a result of her first marriage and didn't fit into her new family.THE GOOD NEWS I married a wonderful woman who is a great mother to our daughter. Because of the pain from the family I grew up in I tried very hard and tirelessly to be the best Dad I can be. My adult daughter thinks I'm one of the best Dad's there is. Definately our family's Christ centered focus helped us to see new and the best ways for us.


I'm so glad you wrote. You did the right thing all along, and now you are reaping the rewards. My mother was bat**bleep** crazy, to use a technical term, and she was extremely abusive, but my sister and i hung in there with her and took care of business, and of my dad who was her tireless caregiver, to the end. And raising our own kids well and happily is our reward. You made lemonade out of lemons, and your faith gave you a north star to steer toward. Alleluia. Oh and Happy Easter, since it's coming right up.

 

all the best 

jane

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My mom, Leah McCloud, passed away 12/13/2016.  She was diagnosed with lung cancer on 11/27, went into the hospital for treatment 11/29, then transferred to Hospice House on 12/11, where she passed away quietly on 12/13.  It all happened so fast, and it still hardly seems real.  Christmas wasn't the same without her, and her 79th birthday was the day after: 12/26.  I'm constantly thinking things like, "I can't wait to show Mom....", or "I need to call Mom and tell her...."  She was a great mother to my two siblings and me; smart, creative, funny, sensitive, all those beautiful traits that made her so special.  I'll miss her forever.  We will be taking a road trip in the next few months to scatter her ashes where she requested.

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My mom passed just as quickly, and I still think I can't wait to tell mom this....  I understand how hard the holidays are, it is tough.

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My mom was an active vibrant woman.  She volunteered, loved to travel, and was healthy.  We went, as a family (6kids, inlaws,and uncles) to the inn where my parent had their wedding anniversay.  She was feeling a little off, and told my dad she thought she had bronchitis. The next day she went to the hospital, she was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer that had metastisized thoughout her body.  Over the next month she was mostly in the hospital, and I stayed with her so she was not alone, the hospital was quite a disrance from our home and my dad and the rest of our family would visit as often as they could.  The last 3 wqeeks of her life were spent in a wonderful hospice facility in Connecticut.  She was able to see all of her children, grandchildren and relatives and say good-bye to all of us.  The hospice kept her very comfortalbe and she died 7 weeks after her original diagnosis.  I was with her so much over those 7 weeks that when the end came, I was greateful that she was able to go so peacefully, but I really could not cry.  My mom had horrible dreams every night at 3:00am, so I made sure that I was at her bedside when she awoke.  In the conversations we had during those long days and nights I heard stories I had never heard, re relived funny things tha happened to our family and bonded like never before.  My dad died three years later, and I was his caregiver during those three years.  I learned so much about caring, giving, and sharing taking care of my parents.  Their deaths left a void in me, I "talk" to them every day, and am greatful for the time I shard with them

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I lost my mother, December 16, 2016. It came as a total shock to me! I'd didn't get the news of it, until I got home after work, late Friday night! She passed away at home in my dad's presence! I was angry, & in disbelief that she was gone! I could hear over the phone was my dad crying, my sister screaming, & the paramedics. So much was going on! She had a stroke, a few years back, & was on meds & therapy to get her life back in order! But this stroke took her away from us! Each day is hard, some good, some bad, and having to help my dad, after he has lost his wife, our mother, has been a lot, these past few months..

Hurts a great deal, in trying to move on...

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@d637768j wrote:

I lost my mother, December 16, 2016. It came as a total shock to me! I'd didn't get the news of it, until I got home after work, late Friday night! She passed away at home in my dad's presence! I was angry, & in disbelief that she was gone! I could hear over the phone was my dad crying, my sister screaming, & the paramedics. So much was going on! She had a stroke, a few years back, & was on meds & therapy to get her life back in order! But this stroke took her away from us! Each day is hard, some good, some bad, and having to help my dad, after he has lost his wife, our mother, has been a lot, these past few months..

Hurts a great deal, in trying to move on...


I'm very sorry for your loss, D.  It IS a shock, even when a death is expected and planned for and there is anticipatory grief, it is STILL a shock. Especially when it is not expected. I'm so sorry. Hard for all of you. 

 

So now it's March 12, about 3 months have gone by. Have you sorted some of her things for charity or for family to own and cherish? Have you figured out some new ways of gathering together, perhaps for Sunday dinner, with your father so that her absence doesn't echo quite so loudly? Any gathering and retelling of stories?  Moms tend to be the hub of a family. Everything seems to pass through them. Was that true of your mom?

 

What do you miss about her the most?  Would love to hear.

 

I miss my mother when i find something unusual and artistic. She had the best eye for art in unusual places. Unintentional art. Amazing. I want to tell her about it when i see it. She refined my eye for art.

 

I read this on facebook recently. Thought you might find it helpful. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/grief-illustrations-totally-nail-the-difficult-process_us_58b878...?

 

Please write some more if you'd like, and thank you for sharing your pain with us. We've all been through it in some form or another. Grief scrubs you raw.

 

Jane

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This is my mother Shirley Jackson! May 6th 1947- December 16th -2016This is my mother Shirley Jackson! May 6th 1947- December 16th -2016

 

 

What I most remember about my mother is her smile! She had one for everyone & everybody! Strong woman in her faith & beliefs!  Always welcoming & humble...

She loved to cook, always in the kitchen, humming a song as she cooking! The kitchen was her! She loved plants in the house. Especially the long fern ones & the big tree plants! She & my dad did vacation cruises together, on the princess cruise ship on their anniversaries! My mom was never without her bible. Reading it daily & quoting scriptures to us! She had 6 kids, 5 girls & 1 boy! Myself being the first born daughter! She never missed a birthday, either a card or a phone call, she made sure of it! This year, going to be the hardest, mother's day, her birthday, not hearing her voice or phone call! 😥

We are planning a family reunion in honor of her in August!

That's what she love the most is her family being together & enjoying themselves!

Not a day that goes by, I'm always thinking of her!

I miss her dearly!..

Danielle Jackson....

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My mom had a massive stroke at the age of 95.  Up till then she was clear-headed and we talked frequently on the phone.  I lived 500 miles away.  I went

to her side and lived and slept in her room for three days.  On the third day, I

sat holding her hand as she took her last breath.  Her aide was there and already knew about arrangements.  I reached up, closed her eyes, went and called people to let them know, packed up my stuff, and went back home.  I never looked back.  My older sister arrived shortly after I left and followed up on all the arrangements, which basically involved a short memorial service and scattering of the ashes.  I felt nothing then and still feel nothing, except a vague sense of loss, someone important to talk to, someone I was so attached to all my life.  It's like something in me died at the same time.  I have never shed any tears over her passing and wonder a lot if something's wrong with me.

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@suefosterboge wrote:

My mom had a massive stroke at the age of 95.  Up till then she was clear-headed and we talked frequently on the phone.  I lived 500 miles away.  I went

to her side and lived and slept in her room for three days.  On the third day, I

sat holding her hand as she took her last breath.  Her aide was there and already knew about arrangements.  I reached up, closed her eyes, went and called people to let them know, packed up my stuff, and went back home.  I never looked back.  My older sister arrived shortly after I left and followed up on all the arrangements, which basically involved a short memorial service and scattering of the ashes.  I felt nothing then and still feel nothing, except a vague sense of loss, someone important to talk to, someone I was so attached to all my life.  It's like something in me died at the same time.  I have never shed any tears over her passing and wonder a lot if something's wrong with me.


Hi Sue,

I'm wondering if you might be waiting, in a sense, for her passing to sink in. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with her but it sounds lovely and complete. She lived very well until the last few days, and then you were with you, and you were calm. You have no regrets, from the sound of it. Her passing isn't a surprise, although it is always a big deal when your parent passes, it just is no matter what your relationship had be. I learned that directly. 

Perhaps it all feels right.

What may trip you up, or stop you cold, is some memory that you don't know is going to wash over you, and you may cry then. In the crying, there would be a cherishing feeling in your heart. Perhaps. The lack of being able to talk to her so often may sneak up on you, too. Something will happen in your life that you wish you could tell her. and then you can't, and that will hurt.

 

I'm thinking that you don't need to pathologize what's going on with you. And wait and see. How is your sister doing? Compare notes? Compare feelings? Are there other family members? Memories to share with them? Her stuff to go through?

 

You sound like you did everything right. She sounds like a wonderful mother, if she kept you close in her heart.

Do be gentle with your self. Something seismic has happened and you may feel an aftershock or two.

Keep writing here if you like.

All the best,

Jane

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@suefosterboge - Do you think it's possible that you're supressing your feelings, because you're afraid you wouldn't be able to control them once that happened? Any particular reason you didn't stick around to help your sister with final arrangements, or to attend the memorial service?

 

Does anything really affect you, when you watch TV or movies about terrible events? Sometimes our true feelings come out at those times, when we're relaxed .. and it's "not about us".


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I've asked myself if I'm repressing my feelings.  I don't have an answer.  There have been lots of disasters in my life the past 25 years...awful, traumatic shocks that seem to have left me numb.  Odd things will bring tears to my eyes, usually

a situation where a child or very old person or an animal has suffered. Sometimes in public places, where people are reuniting, I can barely hold back my emotions.  I only WISH I could feel something for my mom. 

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I lost my Mom 1yr ago January.  Felt absolutely nothing at the time but numb, even though I new it was coming.  She had Alzheimer's.  I did not celebrate the holidays or much of anything during the past year.  Still think I should make the trip to visit her or call just to chat, even though she had no idea who I was nor comprehended anything I said to her.  Was listening to a CD the other day by Collin Ray and there was a song that had me just double up and sob, finally.  It takes time, I still feel numb most of the time, but I find talking to her in my head helps that.  I also found out some pretty interesting things after she passed, which I will never have any answers to.  I have questioned family members and no one has the answers.  I think that is the hardest part.  Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  You just have to get through one day at a time.

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Sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through. My mother died of Dementia/Alzheimer's in 2009. My post is a couple of posts above yours. This is such a horrible disease.

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I also lost my mother a year ago in January.  It was hard to lose her as we were very close.  The hardest part was the attitude of my sibling who will never understand what I went through caring for her. 

 

It was very hard for me to focus last year.  I lost interest in gardening which I always enjoyed, I couldn't make decisions on what to give away, I was just numb.  

 

I am taking things one day at a time.

 

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@c135681c wrote:

I also lost my mother a year ago in January.  It was hard to lose her as we were very close.  The hardest part was the attitude of my sibling who will never understand what I went through caring for her. 

 

It was very hard for me to focus last year.  I lost interest in gardening which I always enjoyed, I couldn't make decisions on what to give away, I was just numb.  

 

I am taking things one day at a time.

 


I hope this next year feels better for you. Now that it's almost April, perhaps this Spring will feel like a new beginning as you approach a year and a half since her passing. What i'm worrying about is your estrangement from your sibling. I am always trying to figure out how to overcome estrangement. Perhaps there is a way you two can agree to disagree, and build a relationship between you and your families that start now, post-death, since you are orphans now, born of the same woman. Sometimes family therapy can help, or talking to someone wise who cares about both of you, like a minister.

 

In any case it sounds like you took excellent care, and are still piecing back your life, writing a new chapter, "post-mom", and figuring it out with some sorrow. Tell us more if you like. I hope that this Spring is a time of renewal for you.

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@suefosterboge - What you've said is an important realization in itself! You might want to consider some short-term therapy, to target this one area. It might give you more peace about things.


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The loss of a mother, your own mother, is deep, isn't it? I remember walking around in a fog. Like i was underwater. Everything seemed one or two beats late... i missed a lot. Everyone else seemed so normal chattering away. And i was just out of it. 

 

A profound loss.

 

Any stories about your mothers? What you loved best about her? What you miss most?

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I lost mother a week ago. I am still in disbelief and do not know how to feel. I have so many emotions, that range from guilt athat I should have been a better daughter. I thought I was prepared for this , but I guess I was not. She had been sick on and off for many years, and I knew that this day would come. I have no blood relative relatives left, I am married with no children. I know it will take time.

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@m677047w wrote:

I lost mother a week ago. I am still in disbelief and do not know how to feel. I have so many emotions, that range from guilt athat I should have been a better daughter. I thought I was prepared for this , but I guess I was not. She had been sick on and off for many years, and I knew that this day would come. I have no blood relative relatives left, I am married with no children. I know it will take time.


I am so sorry you've lost your mother. This coming holiday will be particularly hard, i would think: the FIRST holiday, birthday, whatever, without your mom can be tricky. I am glad you have your husband for company and comfort. Was she in hospice? If so you'd have access to support for 13 months after her passing. If not, many hospices open groups up to people in the community who were not part of the hospice care. In Maryland where i used to work (for a hospice) there were groups for folks who'd lost parents, and lost spouses. Lots of support.

 

Since the death is so recent, the shock is still present i would guess. eventually, there will be things you can do, like review old letters she sent you, or something like that: remembering her. There may be tasks that seem too much to do right now, like clearing out her belongings... is your dad gone, too?

 

Anyway, i am indeed sorry. 

My father died the day before Christmas Eve 10 years ago and that entire season was a blur. My mother passed away in June 1992. It is so hard, no matter what one's relationship with the parent, to lose them. Something very final.

 

thank you for sharing your loss. perhaps there are special things you can be conscious of for thanksgiving: maybe write in a journal what you are thankful for that were/are gifts from your mother. it's a thought.

 

i'm so sorry. 

jane

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I lost my mom in the midst of being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am not sure I have truly grieved her death it's 6 months later but it hurts like crazy when I think of her being gone Sherry
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I lost my Mom January 6 2016 after a short 4 months battle with terminal ovarian cancer. I came suddenly and unexpected. I cry almost every day and sometimes find myself not understanding and asking for answers. I still hurts.
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