Can you help?

[DLH54]

My father passed away on July 25.  He and my mother would have had their 64th wedding anniversary on September 13.

My brother and I are unsure about what to do,if anything, for my mother who, I'm sure, will be feeling quite sad on that day.

Any suggestions you may have will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your reply.

[DrMarcy]

It is better not to forget your parent's anniversary. Think about scheduling time with your mom if she is agreeable with the idea. It does not need to be in any way a celebration but a way to spend time together and talk about your father if she is confortable. Usually, ignoring your parent's anniversary will contribute to additional stress and depressed mood for you and your mom. 

[ks6507]

Print this out for her...I worked in EMS for thirty-five years. I am the first one to tell people that there are absolutely no rules for grieving. It does not matter if it is a day, or forty years . I had an ambulance call once to pick up a woman that called to go to the Hospital because She said to me that "you are probably going to think that I am a baby but it is the one year anniversary day of my husbands death and I am feeling sick". I said well lady you came to the right place to talk to someone whos been there because when the anniversary date rolls around for when my Mom who died forty years ago I feel crappy and sometimes it feels like it has been forever, and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and do not ever let anyone ever tell you that you should be over it, or how you should feel. I have heard people say that grieving only lasts a short time but that is not true for everyone.We talked for quite a while and I stayed with this old Woman as long as I could in the emergency room waiting for the E.R. Doctor and when I was leaving she told me that she will remember me, and what I had told her. In my own personal formula I have concluded that there is only one rule for grieving and that the one rule is simply that .....there are no rules for grieving.

[JaneCares]

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@ks6507 wrote:

Print this out for her...I worked in EMS for thirty-five years. I am the first one to tell people that there are absolutely no rules for grieving. It does not matter if it is a day, or forty years . I had an ambulance call once to pick up a woman that called to go to the Hospital because She said to me that "you are probably going to think that I am a baby but it is the one year anniversary day of my husbands death and I am feeling sick". I said well lady you came to the right place to talk to someone whos been there because when the anniversary date rolls around for when my Mom who died forty years ago I feel crappy and sometimes it feels like it has been forever, and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and do not ever let anyone ever tell you that you should be over it, or how you should feel. I have heard people say that grieving only lasts a short time but that is not true for everyone.We talked for quite a while and I stayed with this old Woman as long as I could in the emergency room waiting for the E.R. Doctor and when I was leaving she told me that she will remember me, and what I had told her. In my own personal formula I have concluded that there is only one rule for grieving and that the one rule is simply that .....there are no rules for grieving.

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So very true, KS, thank you for sharing this story. This woman was so lucky to have you there! You were sent by angels. Right on, thank you.

Jane

[k919061g]

Hi there. My dad was found March 14, 2013. Having been through a couple of anniversaries of this awful date I can tell you there is no running or hiding from the pain. The first couple of years I tried to suck it up, ignore it, treat like any other day (just like I do my birthday), but it didn't work. I've found the best thing I can do for my self is acknowledge that I can't handle it and schedule a couple of day off work, find someplace to be alone and just cry. Just grieve. I just had to accept that is one of the times of year I just can't fake it. And fortunately my employer is very understanding.

This is just what I do to get through though. Everyone is different and they grieve in their own way. Some find it easier to surround themselves with family and friends and do something to honor the one they've lost. I don't really have any family left except my mom who has dementia and doesn't realize he's gone most days. And I don't really have any friends either. So I choose to be alone. 

I hope this helps somewhat. If anything I know this site has helped me feel not quite so alone.

Best wishes,

Kyle

[JaneCares]

Kyle, I'm glad you're here, writing and sharing, venting and supporting others. 

I'm very glad you're here.

Jane

[Jlincoln008]

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@DLH54 wrote:

My father passed away on July 25.  He and my mother would have had their 64th wedding anniversary on September 13.

My brother and I are unsure about what to do,if anything, for my mother who, I'm sure, will be feeling quite sad on that day.

Any suggestions you may have will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your reply.

---

Today is the day. I hope your mother feels surrounded by love from others, and can remember the love she and your father shared. Anniversaries are so hard.

I for one would love to hear what you came up with and how it went. We can all learn from these experience, even (especially) when they aren't quite right. 

There is a relatively new online group here for her if it seems right to suggest it to her: aarp.org/griefcommunity. Just like this online community, you can post anytime of day or night. 

How did it go?

Jane

[EveRH]

How did your mother handle your father's death; had he been ill a long time or was it sudden & unexpected? You know your mother a lot better than we do, as far as basic temperament; would she enjoy sharing memories on their anniversary, or is she the type who wouldn't want to think about their anniversary, less than 2 months after his passing?

Why not just say that you & your brother would love to do something with her that day, to remember your father .. and see how she reacts. Maybe a visit to the cemetery, followed by lunch? If she's not ready for that, respect how SHE feels right now, and go with any "plan B" she suggests. if she doesn't want to do anything, maybe you & your brother can do something together anyway .. and make the same offer to Mom again next year!