Husband dies alone

[JulieT507376]

My husband of 45 years died alone with our border collie Sadie by his side on December 4th.  I was out of town to visit a grandson.  I FaceTime my husband the night before.  He wasn’t feeling good.  I convinced him to go to the doctor the next morning.  When I called the next morning he didn’t answer.  The neighbors went to check on him for me and found him passed.  It was totally unexpected.  Possibly an Aneurysm took him at 65 years old!  185lbs, physically fit and had dreams to many to list.  He had yet to collect his pensions.  

My two adult sons don’t want me home alone.  I’m not sure I believe he’s gone.  I feel guilty I wasn’t with him when he died and feel guilty I’m getting his pensions that he deserved to spend on his dreams.  Then add on the huge void in my life and my aching heart.  What more can I handle.  I’m so numb and sad. 

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

 @JulieT507376  😴  Sweet Dreams "tonight" at your "bedtime" - Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

(4/27/24) @JulieT507376 , I am thinking of YOU!!! Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

APRIL 2024-2 comments (Sunday 4/21/24)

How are you doing @JulieT507376  ?

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

Nicole, Thank you for all your kind words and support.  It is always nice to see your messages in my emails.  I’m doing ok.  Finally spending nights in my husband and my home has been very emotional for me.  I feel his presence with me in so many ways.  I’m compiling a slide show for his celebration of life that is in June.  The memories are bringing tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart.  

I’m trying to figure out lawn care, equipment repair, sidewalks that need built and trying to get a grandson and family moved onto the property to help me.  I’m both overwhelmed and wishing I could have just one more day to ask my husband all the questions that I never thought I needed to know the answers to! But I probably wouldn’t let him go because I miss him so much! 

Hope you are having wonderful warm spring days!  Where I live it’s still cool.  But the sun is shining brightly!! 

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

(Monday 4/22/24) @JulieT507376 , you are welcome and SO GLAD you stopped by. It is a very emotional journey and one we will survive. I often wonder IF we will ever be the same. Nope, in my opinion. 👣👣👣  1 Step At A Time, Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

APRIL 2024-2 comments (Friday 4/12/24)

@JulieT507376 , how are you doing?

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

Thank you for asking.  I’m going home for the first time this week without him.  My sister will be with so I won’t be alone.  I’m attending several celebrations of life of close friends that has passed over the next month.  It has been hard as I plan Mark’s celebration.  I’m finally getting over the anger and maybe more accepting the loss.  I hope you are doing well and spring has arrived at your house! 

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

(Friday 4/12/24)

SO GOOD to hear from you @JulieT507376 .

And you are WELCOME!!!

Thanks for asking, Spring and Fall have been my FAVORITE Seasons. Struggling right NOW as my only child got "laid off" in Florida YESTERDAY. You know you worry about them even as they are ADULTS.

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

[EricC28201]

My experience is a little different. At the turn of the 21st century 6 people who were a large part of my life since childhood passed on. For the first eight years of the new millenium somebody close to me left on average every 18 months. Many of the things I did to help myself were done out of necessity at the time and I am only understanding their benefits in retrospect. I started journaling out of necessity. My ability to focus and my short term memory were so compromised that I started carrying a pocket sized notebook with me. In it I kept a ToDo list and a record of what I did to address the ToDo items, and when I did it. The other thing I had to do was write things down and rewrite them so I could express myself with accurate, cogent sentences when discussing my situation with a confidant. At the time these things felt like troublesome necessities, but in retrospect they were potent therapy.

The other thing I did was I allowed myself a hobby that was no imposition or hardship to anybody. I would download videos from the internet. I learned enough to use a video editing app to seperate the audio from the video. Then I would import it into Audacity, and change the pitch of the soundtrack. Then I would reattach the audio to the video and render it. Usually what I got was the same video, but the characters sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks, or Eeyore the donkey from Winnie The Pooh. And it made me laugh. None of those videos have left the device they were rendered to. They've never been posted or shared in any way and I've never tried to make money from them. They were and are strictly for my own entertainment.

I am not suggesting that you run out and start editing videos. Simply that a stress free hobby that comes easily to you yet still gives a sense of accomplishment and entertainment (at nobody else's expense) might be helpful.

[SueS788527]

Hi, Eric, I am always impressed with your level of engagement and ingenuity especially when you are in the aftermath of losing loved ones.  I fully agree that the first period (to be defined by everyone's own circumstances) is tough from a mental capability standpoint and I too have had to set up binders, files and reminders.  So luckily, I am not alone.  I like your idea of finding a hobby that is creative and personal to you.  I am doing the same (not video/audio) but handicrafts.  Cooking has also given me a good outlet.  What matters is that you are mentally active and engaged.  Good for you.  I wish you many more happy days ahead.  Sue

[DeanM807970]

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I am certain he would not want you to be alone or unhappy. I am not sure how I would deal with the loss of my wife. Our thoughts are with you.

[SueS788527]

Hi, I am sorry for the circumstances of your loss of your loved one.  Condolences to you.  I am glad you reached out to this forum and are sharing your feelings.  That is the first step, and many don't do it and have many years of pain and regrets.  Yes, it is horrible if your loved ones die alone, and I can only imagine how you must feel.  In my case, I finally was able to bring my husband home from rehab and he died 3 days later at home.  While it was comforting to have him with me physically, emotionally there was a void because he could no longer speak.  So, in some ways, I could not verbally hear the good bye from him.  I feel that in spirit he is still with me and wishes me well.  It took me a long time, including serious journaling to get to this point.  Please take your time and reflect on the many happy years you had together.  I wish you all the best and encourage you to continue to share your feelings.  It is healthy and this is a safe environment.  Sue

[mc6844]

Mark, I'm so sorry for your loss. The impact of loss can create a frightening void. The people on this site can help. Sharing how you're doing helps to lessen the grief. At a time when family and friends are also grieviing and bewildered, and don't know what to do or say. There is a topic on this site about signs from loved ones. It's a hopeful topic. There's so much we don't know about the afterlife. They say our loved ones walk beside us always. Take care, Mark.

[KarenD230399]

I I am so very sorry for your loss my heart aches for you. Please know that when friends, family and even strangers give advice it is because they have been or still is going through it and because we do care.( I am going to change the word "advice " to suggestions ). I , myself is going to ask a favor from you. PLEASE know that it was not your fault. If you or him would have known I am 100 percent positive you would have been there. One week before my  oldest son was killed on a motorcycle he called me to tell me about his purchase, it was like everything he ever wanted he was so happy and at the end of our phone call , jokingly, I said that bike is going to be the death of you. less than a week later it was. I know that it did not happen because I said that but there is still a very little part of me that does and people who I thought were my friends made me feel it was my fault. It is still so very fresh for you and I know it is going to take awhile but you will see it was not your fault and it happened like that for a reason. Let your children help you They can be with you and be there to help you and you will need alone time, just soak in the tub or go for a walk and while your alone its ok to scream and yell at him and at God to let them know how you feel and how angry you are. I lost my voice for 2 weeks. Like what Cadee said, it is a rollercoaster but you do not have to ride it alone. I hope I was not offensive to you in anyway it is not my intention and I do apologize if I was. You will be in my thoughts and again my very deepest condolences.

[SpringIsHereSoHappy]

(2 comments) Karen @KarenD230399  awesome response and sorry about your loss, Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[KarenD230399]

Thank you Nicole. Very appreciated on both accounts.

[mc6844]

So very sorry for your loss, Karen. Take care.

[Cadee2719]

 I am so sorry for your loss.  Now begins the journey of healing and a roller coaster of emotions.    Be kind to yourself.  Take one day at a time.  The people on this site truly were there for me and are helping me every day.  You need to process this loss and find a way to get through each day.  I will be honest.....it is not easy BUT you will find the strength to do it.  I lost my son, husband and brother within 6 months; I did not care if I lived or died, but I knew my remaining son needed me.  I fought the sadness every day and shared my emotions with my friends on this site and gradually became stronger.  Once I was able to focus, I read books on grief recovery and listened to audiotapes.  If there is a Grief Group in your area, see if this would be a comfort to you.  I found that I had to be alone and was unable to attend group sessions.  We are all different.  It takes time, do what is most comfortable for you and Take One Step At a Time.  I will keep you in my prayers.  ❤️

[mc6844]

Very good suggestions Cadee. Kind, caring and informative. I'm so sorry for your losses, too. So much to go through

[nancyian]

So sorry for your loss.  I would be devastated as well.  My heart aches for you when i read this.  A big hug to you and rely on your boys to help with your grief.