Who's Responsible for How We're Treated by Family Members?

[EveRH]

I read an interesting comment in "Dear Abby" this morning (I'd include a link, if my newspaper wasn't subscription only online):

"When I remarried, the greatest gift my new (and older) husband gave me was defense against my mother. When she made her snarky comments, many I’d heard since early childhood and throughout my first marriage, he would touch her gently on the forearm (she hated being touched) and quietly say, “We don’t talk that way to Ann.” It was a tremendous gift of protection, which my children and I enjoyed for 25 years before his death."

On one hand, that was a wonderful way her 2nd husband - "white knight" - was supportive .. but it made me wonder why this woman didn't speak up for herself with her mother; as an adult & when married the 1st time? Why she didn't get therapy, and try to get her mother to participate with her.

Have you had to handle difficult family relationships over the years .. how did you handle it?

[cf91418416]

Anyone who knows me at all, knows I have no problem speaking my mind. I am responsible for how people treat me - not responsible for their lack of respect, responsible for allowing them to do it.  I believe if you don't speak up, then you are accepting it.  My daughter decided to take sides with her Dad during our divorce, then decided after moving in with him, not to talk to me at all anymore.  Her Dad is a sociopath.  Turning her against me was only one of the nasty things he did to me.  It got much worse.  

I became very angry and made the mistake of trying to confront him.  Kristen talked him into getting a restraining order on me.  Everything they claimed about me, were lies.  This brought my anger to a whole new level of rage.  I tried many times to talk with her, she kept ignoring me.  To this day I have no idea what she has been told.  Finally, I wrote her a letter, and told her I will not play this game anymore and will not ask her to talk again.  I could not resist telling her, that one day she will realize who her Dad really is, and find out what it feels like to be betrayed. I added -   when that happens, come to me. 

[nyadrn]

---

@EveRH wrote:

Have you had to handle difficult family relationships over the years .. how did you handle it?

---

Astraea I imagine that after all these years of posting together you know that I am going to say without a doubt, we are responsible for how others treat us.

I have a very difficult time dealing with people who allow others to constantly take advantage of them.  I feel sorry for them, yes, because it shows that they do not value themselves enough, imho of course, but I sometimes just want to shake them.  If your kids are always wanting you to baby sit and you love the grand kids but need time off then why not say so?  Are you afraid they will stop liking you?  I don't get it.  I feel this way partly because a close relative would do practically anything for anyone and I got sick of seeing people always wanting something.  I felt like I had to be their protector and tell others no.  So this behavior bothers me to this day.  !

[EveRH]

@nyadrn - I belong to a private group on FB, started by the women in an organization to which I belong. Some of these women are very accomplished, but I think that many of us are being turned off, because so many others see themselves as victims in everything. They see themselves as discriminated against at work as professionals, and taken advantage of in many other areas of their lives.

Recently someone posted a story about a young woman on a date in a restaurant, where her companion was snarky & slightly intimidating. One male diner got up to say something to this guy, but then another man - identifying himself as a LEO - stepped in, sat down with this couple, and read the guy the riot act. I posted that I thought they acted too quickly, considering that they were in a busy restaurant, and that the woman should have been given time to say/do something herself. Almost all the other women in the discussion attacked me, for expecting the woman to stand up for herself!

[nyadrn]

---

@EveRH wrote:

@nyadrn - I belong to a private group on FB, started by the women in an organization to which I belong. Some of these women are very accomplished, but I think that many of us are being turned off, because so many others see themselves as victims in everything. They see themselves as discriminated against at work as professionals, and taken advantage of in many other areas of their lives.

Recently someone posted a story about a young woman on a date in a restaurant, where her companion was snarky & slightly intimidating. One male diner got up to say something to this guy, but then another man - identifying himself as a LEO - stepped in, sat down with this couple, and read the guy the riot act. I posted that I thought they acted too quickly, considering that they were in a busy restaurant, and that the woman should have been given time to say/do something herself. Almost all the other women in the discussion attacked me, for expecting the woman to stand up for herself!

---

That is really interesting.  I guess it is individual perspective.  I wonder what these men thought would happen when this couple left the restaurant and they were alone together.  The Leo was certainly not going to change the guy and the woman, if she could not stand up for herself, would not change either, unless she was embarrassed to say anything while in public.  

She was lucky it was a date and not dinner with her husband.    

[EveRH]

When I suggested that the woman should be given time to handle things herself first, before the Law Enforcement Officer jumped in, several women implied that I wanted her to be abused by the boyfriend, before it was appropriate for an outsider to get involved. One time someone posted that 80% of women have been raped; when I just said that I'd gone to school & worked in all-male settings my whole life, worked around the clock & took public transportation for a while .. but had never had that happen to me, they insisted I was denying the stats they posted.

[k397840k]

After so many years of living far away from the kids, two  of them are in one place, the other one is on the east coast.  Visited with them 2 weeks ago and they asked if I would move there.  I just moved to a new community a year ago, and although it's a sweet and quiet community, I am bored.  The kids have been there 5 years, so that's a good sign that they like where they are---Las Vegas.  The strip is touristy, but there are some nice 'burbs.  Thinking about another move, but maybe should spend more time there to get a feel for the community.  Don't want a senior livestyle--I'm active and would like my own home. 

Neither kid is married, but have girlfriends and we all get along well.  I think about the holidays and not being there together as a family.  For the past couple of years they've spent time with two of their childhood friends' family holidays, and not their own.  Plus, I think about what if something happened to me, since I don't have family here.  One friend here said she wouldn't move there-- says-it's too risque, but agreed--being close to family is where I should be.   What do you think? 

[nyadrn]

---

@k397840k wrote:

After so many years of living far away from the kids, two  of them are in one place, the other one is on the east coast.  Visited with them 2 weeks ago and they asked if I would move there.  I just moved to a new community a year ago, and although it's a sweet and quiet community, I am bored.  The kids have been there 5 years, so that's a good sign that they like where they are---Las Vegas.  The strip is touristy, but there are some nice 'burbs.  Thinking about another move, but maybe should spend more time there to get a feel for the community.  Don't want a senior livestyle--I'm active and would like my own home. 

Neither kid is married, but have girlfriends and we all get along well.  I think about the holidays and not being there together as a family.  For the past couple of years they've spent time with two of their childhood friends' family holidays, and not their own.  Plus, I think about what if something happened to me, since I don't have family here.  One friend here said she wouldn't move there-- says-it's too risque, but agreed--being close to family is where I should be.   What do you think? 

---

I would say forget what your friend thinks.. it is you that has to live there.  There are plenty of beautiful housing areas with lots of amenities.. although the water issue would  be a big one for me.  They also have some very progressive 55 communities with single housing and great ammenities.  Do lots of research and decide for yourself.

[YankeeInNC]

Interesting topic!  My initial thought is people are responsible for how they act, including how they treat others. We are responsible for how we deal with how we are treated.

My ex MIL was quite unkind to me but was also unkind to many others. I handled it poorly, mostly. So did my ex-husband. The ex part is pretty telling.

I have learned that we either transform our pain or transmit it to others. Everyday I have opportunities to be compassionate that I totally mess up, miss all together, and sometimes complete well. Sometimes I over criticize myself or others which is an obstacle. Sometimes I over congratulate myself which makes me lazy.

I guess we are ever works in progress. And anyone who tries to sell an image of an idealized family life is lying to themselves and others.  There is always strife among the joy.

[LaDolceVita]

The patterns of behaviour w/ our moms were set so long ago that I think it very hard if not impossible to change.  Therapy might help but if the other person doe not see a problem to address one may be forced to choose between putting the offender out of their life or just dealing with the bad stuff.

Mom & I had a very rocky relationship for many years.  Most reasonable people advised me to stay away from her after my teen years.  I did move to another state and we reconnected in my 30s.  Now we are more entangled than we should be, in our living situation & finances.  Still, I dont think I would have or could have done things differently.  I would not consider cutting off a vital relationship such as with a parent unless there was actual abuse.  In my case mom was sometimes neglectful due to her narcisstic tendencies.  She did the best she could.

[EveRH]

@LaDolceVita - With my Mom being divorced, I became more of a companion for her, and she expected that of me, even after I developed my own friendships in college & as an adult. I did get therapy in my 40s, and it wasn't easy to establish more healthy boundaries between us, but I really worked at it. It really bothered me that she expected me to justify doing things with my friends during my free time, when she wanted me to do things with her .. and I was doing things with her some of the time!