my dad, my mom

davis1996 · ‎09-30-2018

After my whole life as my dad as my hero, he's now physically in a weakend state due to the fact that he doesn't listen to his doctor. He has angry outbursts, doesn't sleep at night, wear his hearing aids, orthapedic shoes etc. He is taking his anger out on my mom as she's in the house. If I try and help my dad he resents it. If I talk to my mom about speaking to my dad about whats going on, she's afraid he'll get mad at her, which is already a hostle situation for my mom.

My sister died 3 years ago of cancer at 59 and I helped take care of her at the end of life. I was destroyed by the hospital care she received.

I still work full time and am at my wits end trying to help my dad to cooperate with what his doctor wants him to do.

HELP

Linda

AmandaSingleton · ‎10-13-2018

Hi Linda: First, my condolences on your sister's passing and the hard times that preceded it. And all my empathy for what you're working with now, where your father is not acting like the man/dad/hero you've always known and where you're fearful for your mother. That's a lot. I hope, in the midst of all of this, that you are getting the support that YOU need or carving out some time for something you enjoy or that nutures you.

You're definitely in a sticky spot. The priority number one, always, is the safety of the ones we love. I can see how you're concerned for both your mother's and your father's safety here. How much does your father's medical providers know about his outbursts and insomnia? Has he had recent changes in medication or does he have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment? This could be part of the picture that would lead to a different course of treatment and, perhaps, a settling down of those symptoms. If your father is in a state that he is physically weakened, then this needs to be addressed as well. Perhaps he needs a higher level of care (even for a limited period of time). We all have the right to make inadvisable decisions (like not wearing our hearing aides or orthopeadic shoes or eating cheeseburgers three times a day, you know?). But if it rises above the level of inadvisable to unsafe, such as if your father becomes a danger to himself or others, an intervention may be necessary. Have you spoken with any elder support services or elder law attorneys about the options in your state? Are you the health care surrogate or agent for your folks?

Amanda Singleton
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JaneCares · ‎10-01-2018

@davis1996 wrote:
After my whole life as my dad as my hero, he's now physically in a weakend state due to the fact that he doesn't listen to his doctor. He has angry outbursts, doesn't sleep at night, wear his hearing aids, orthapedic shoes etc. He is taking his anger out on my mom as she's in the house. If I try and help my dad he resents it. If I talk to my mom about speaking to my dad about whats going on, she's afraid he'll get mad at her, which is already a hostle situation for my mom.

My sister died 3 years ago of cancer at 59 and I helped take care of her at the end of life. I was destroyed by the hospital care she received.

I still work full time and am at my wits end trying to help my dad to cooperate with what his doctor wants him to do.

HELP
Linda

I am so sorry about your sister, and how horrible that she received poor hospital. What an awful experience you had. And i know you miss her.

And now you have stubborn dad, and your poor mother. So few patients are truly compliant with what doctors recommend. At the other extreme are people who never see doctors, or, if they go, refuse to do what they're told.

Here a few ideas. Dunno if any will help. First, support your mother. Take her out shopping, come by to visit her whether your dad is around or not, give her some human contact and support that she's sorely needing. Do you have siblings? Can you all get together for a family meeting and help your parents think about a plan? I'd hate to call his bluff, but heck someone could say, well dad, if you aren't going to follow any of your doctors' recommendations, we need to know what songs you want sung at your funeral....

It would be hard to be so blunt....

Your father doesn't hit your mother, does he? I sure hope not. Sounds like he's taking out his decline on your mom, and she is loyal, used to his outbursts. Is there anyone your father listens to? A brother, a minister. Someone besides you and your mom to tell him he's pissed about life but really doesn't have to take it out on her.

Any idea why he is so agitated? Does he have dementia? Some folks with dementia get very agitated. Is he willing to take any pills? If so, there is something very cheap and generic, haloperidol, which helps with agitation. He can be told it's for 'stress management.' Any idea what's wrong with him?

I wish hearing aides weren't so expensive, and picked up the sounds of human voices without all the rest of the racket. I wonder what percentage of people actually wear their hearing aides.. Surely isn't 100 per cent.

Hm, what do you think of any of this?

Jane