Hi Andrew,
I for one think this is a fine place to post this issue.
Let's see if i can generate some ideas and options.
So much for your father to adjust to. He is depressed, I'm guessing. Is there any (more) rehabilitation that can help him? PT, OT? Will he be able to gain any more of his previous independence? Probably not a whole lot. But if he experiences some improvement, any really, he'll feel a bit better.
Meanwhile, would he agree to take an antidepressant? My dad had a whopper of a stroke, a right brain one so he could still talk but not do much else, and zoloft actually really helped. He still wanted to go home every darn minute but he stopped crying and was a lot less cranky. So that's an idea.
Keep visiting him. Visits help enormously, even though it is so so hard. And he's cranky. But he is safe to express his sadness, frustration, etc. with YOU and knows there will be no ramifications: he can be himself. He might actually be enjoying wee bits of the place but needs to show you his displeasure. Maybe he feels you put him there? So there's a chance that he's not quite as miserable as he seems.
He'll have to get over his pride about the wheelchair business. Same reason folks resist using walkers. I get it. But heck, go ahead and BE isolated rather than be seen with a wheelchair or a walker. Beats being dead. Argh.
Excuse me for being blunt.
Another options: hire a geriatric care manager, who is a whole lot cheaper than an eldercare attorney, to look at everything: medicaid long term care eligibility, home care at someone's home, nursing home care, etc. Compare all the options. Make a decision as a family. Then whatever you all decide, make the best of that. Make the BEST of it. Overtime, everyone will get used to it. Even your Dad.
Or he'll just be a cranky old coot. At some point he needs to decide to make lemonade out of aging.
Anything here give you hope? Www.caremanager.org is how to find a care manager. I used to be one. Really helpful, if i do say so myself. Gives you peace of mind at the least.