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Re: One thing that I would do, is that I would not call them...
@sa4984, you're right. @OldMarriedMan, if you traded places, would you want to wear a diaper?
Consider calling it what it really is: disposable underwear.
The ones these days in the drugstore are designed like underwear. They have colors like underwear. Yeah, you'll never see them in a lingerie catalogue, but they aren't built like babies' diapers or toddlers' pullups either.
Your stepmom already is embarrassed and feeling like a little kid. The bedside commode definitely will help when access is of the essence.
Sometimes a bit of cool breeze is enough to tell the bladder that it's time, right now, especially if she has to be on some sort of "water pill" such as hydrochlorothiazide for high blood pressure. (Do check with her doctor to make certain about side effects of any of her meds. Sometimes substitutions with fewer side effects are available.)
If she's willing, let her pick out the colors and design she wants on the underwear while still making certain that it has the absorbency she needs.
If the bedside commode works without the disposable underwear, even better. If she likes wearing dresses, that, too, will help with getting underwear out of the way faster when getting on the commode or a regular toilet.
But having both the commode and disposable underwear around could allow her to get up and about with more confidence than she's comfortable doing now. Sometimes even exerting the muscles to stand up and get walking cause other important muscles to loosen up.
I hope she sees the advantages. My mom actually went a different direction: Instead, she liked the idea of a pad in her regular underwear because she considered it more like the menstrual pad she hadn't needed for a couple of decades. Most of the time, that got the job done, but it wasn't perfect.
So think about changing the lingo. Give your stepmom a choice, and take care.
The person I am caring for, we got him a bedside commode,...
One thing that I would do, is that I would not call them...
It isn't easy - remember that they aren't doing it on purpose.
If you ever had any kids remember how difficult it was when potty training began - if your experience was like mine, you check the toddler often and then took them to the potty and kept them changed. The roles are just reversed here. In this regards, you aren't training - you are caregiving but the results are the same - keeping them clean to ward off infection and discomfort - skin or urinary tract infection.
Be persistent - don't just ask - your roll and/or the caregiver is to gently persuade and then keep her changed. Make it a routine.
Sounds like she has little control now. A bedside toilet might help but in my experience it may not,
especially if there isn't someone there to get her up and to it. Problems in thinking or communicating may prevent a person from reaching a toilet in time. She may have constant leakage from her bladder especially if she already has some kidney or bladder problems.
Personally, if it were me, I would buy the most comfortable and even prettiest diapers (psychological asset, maybe) - right size ones. Then change her often - if she can't step into them, buy the kind that connect on the sides. But somebody else has to take the lead - don't leave it up to her - she may not realize it..
Going out, check her, as you would do a toddler, change her before leaving. If you are out for an extended period of time - take some spares and check her periodically.
From my experience, if there isn't some correctible physiological problem, it does not get better.
To find out if there is a correctible problem - check with her doctor.
Good Luck -
* * * * It's Always Something . . . Roseanne Roseannadanna
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