@SusanE807929 It sounds like you've got a lot going on! So many issues to deal with at once - your business, your house, your husband, your mom...and of course your sister who isn't helping. Does she contribute financially? My guess is no.
I can understand your frustration as you try to juggle it all! I've been in similar situations and I know how frustrating it can be. I cared for both of my parents for more than a decade, and my parents lived with me (I took over payment for their house and moved moved across the country and into their house, they moved into a sr community 2 miles away for 3 yrs, then they moved back in with me...my Mom passed on a year later. My Dad lived with me for five more years - he just passed on last June at age 94 and I miss him terribly). Like you - I did this because I wanted to - I've loved caring for my parents and it was my choice and I never felt like a victim. But it has been financially crippling for me. One of my sisters helped, and moved in with us for a year with her two sons and then moved into a house next door. She was a paid caregiver for my parents. I, too, am self-employed and as you say - you gotta work to make money and you can't do it all! I worked full time and also spent about 80 hrs a week caring for my parents. I had to pay someone to help so I'd rather pay my sister. In the end Daddy needed a great deal of care - he had Alzheimer's disease, and we also had other paid help as well as help from the VA. It took a village! But I also have another sister who chose not to participate as much in my parents' care as their needs increased. It's a touchy position you're in and I do understand your frustration.
In past times, it was traditional for adult daughters to care for their elders, who generally didn't have funds to pay for care (or in many cases even for everyday living expenses). In fact, before SS and Medicare many older adults had very little and it was common to live with your adult children and their families. That history may be why some of our elders still feel like it's a given that we take care of them without getting paid. It's just what you do. It may be what she saw her parents and grandparents doing. Did she care for her parents? But it's different now. People are living longer (in 1900 the life expectancy was just 47 - now it's almost 79 yrs old, and many people live much longer) but with chronic health conditions. The caregiving years are stretching out much longer and we are caring for people who are older. Older adults now have SS, Medicare, pensions...and the WWII generation had more ability to save - they are actually more likely to have disposable income. In addition, more women of the caregiving age are working outside the home and many families need two incomes to stay afloat. The cost of living these days is so much higher. Health insurance alone is a huge cost. It's just a very different world now.
Even so, your mother may not be thinking of all of those changes. She may just feel like it doesn't seem "right" for a family member to get paid to care for their loved ones, even if the money is available. That may be where her anger and hurt feelings came from. She needs to understand that you are happy to be there for her - you want to be there. And if you had higher income yourself you'd be happy to do it without financial assistance. But in reality, you need to contribute to the household.
Every situation is unique, but a few thoughts that may help as you think this situation through:
- If your mother bought the house, does she also contribute monthly for home expenses, food etc? Do you split the expenses? Is that a way she may feel more comfortable contributing?
- Most parents don't want to be a "burden" to their children, and at the same time there are many who don't want anyone else to care for them. It's a conundrum. Have you gone over your budget with your mother so she understands why your finances are suffering? Does she understand the income you aren't getting as you care for her, and how that affects your long-term financial security? Would she rather pay someone else to help out a few hours a week while you work?
- Have you tried having a heart to heart with your sister, telling her she needs to come and stay with/take care of your mother more frequently (3-4-6...however many times a year you want her to come) to give you and your husband a break and a chance to go somewhere together. Explain that you are more than happy to do the bulk of care for your mother, but you can't do it all (see one of my other posts about respite care - I learned I can do anything - but I can't do everything! and neither can you!) It's time for her to step up to the plate. And as your mother's needs increase and she needs more care, your sister will need to do more. You will likely have to ask for specifics (i.e. I need you to come the week of...) and you'll need to show your sister how to do things when you aren't there. If your sister declines, you can try having a conversation with an objective third party to facilitate or mediate - you can find a mediator who specializes in family and/or eldercare by visiting mediate.com. Or perhaps the person from your church you are meeting with can sit down with you and your sister and help you put together a plan for this next season of caregiving as your mother's needs increase.
- Always make sure your mother knows you are on the same team - she and your husband and you (and your sister) are a team. In fact your sister should also be seen as being on the team even if she doesn't play the same role you play. You all have the same goal - for your mother to be happy and healthy and as independent as possible for as long as possible. And your goal is also for you and your husband to stay afloat and have a secure future. So how can you work together to ensure all of these things are accomplished?
- Always reassure your mother that you love her, you will always be there for her and you are just trying to figure out how to make your finances work. Does she maybe have another suggestion?
I'd love to hear how things move forward and please let me know if you have any further specific questions! You'll see our threads on respite care, caregiver stress etc going on right now here in the caregiving forum - hope you'll check them out! You need a break and you need to manage your emotional and financial stress! Here's my post about recognizing the signs of caregiver stress - hope it is helpful for you!
One more thing - here is my video with some tips about making Difficult Family Conversations more effective and less painful - hope that will be helpful both with conversations with your mother and your sister.
Take care,
Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert
Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving and
Color Your Way Content When Caring for Loved Ones
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