Frustrated

[joycep568305]

My names Joyce, both of my parents have dementia. Tonight on the phone with mom was tuff. 

My Dad has no patience with her or anyone who won't answer him fast enough. He's yelling more and more and gets angry so fast.

I don't know how to deal with this type of constant anger, yelling, and no support from anyone else in my family. I literally have no one to talk with. I don't know how to talk with him when he's yelling and angry over little things. 

Family says I take things too personally, shouldn't let things upset me so much. 

Is there actual support groups on here?

Any suggestions would be great. God bless and thank you.

Joyce Pennington

[Jen]

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@joycep568305 wrote:

My names Joyce, both of my parents have dementia. Tonight on the phone with mom was tuff. 

My Dad has no patience with her or anyone who won't answer him fast enough. He's yelling more and more and gets angry so fast.

I don't know how to deal with this type of constant anger, yelling, and no support from anyone else in my family. I literally have no one to talk with. I don't know how to talk with him when he's yelling and angry over little things. 

Family says I take things too personally, shouldn't let things upset me so much. 

Is there actual support groups on here?

Any suggestions would be great. God bless and thank you.

Joyce Pennington

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Joyce,

Welcome to the group. I see that you have recieved many great suggestions thus far. I would like to also point you to our the AARP Care Guide on how to Care for Somone with Dementia. This guide is free and we hope you will find it of use. Please do come back and write more. 

Jen

[JaneCares]

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@joycep568305 wrote:

My names Joyce, both of my parents have dementia. Tonight on the phone with mom was tuff. 

My Dad has no patience with her or anyone who won't answer him fast enough. He's yelling more and more and gets angry so fast.

I don't know how to deal with this type of constant anger, yelling, and no support from anyone else in my family. I literally have no one to talk with. I don't know how to talk with him when he's yelling and angry over little things. 

Family says I take things too personally, shouldn't let things upset me so much. 

Is there actual support groups on here?

Any suggestions would be great. God bless and thank you.

Joyce Pennington

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Hi Joyce,

You got some great advice there. 

I am frustrated right along with you, with the lack of support from your family. Easy for THEM to say you're taking it personally. Although, in fact, they are right. Let me explain. Your parents' brains, both of them, are not working properly, and never will again; they will only get worse. Dealing with anger, confusion, stubbornness, is all part of dementia, and there are strategies. There are a couple of things you can do.

One is read the book called The 36 hour Day, which describes what it's like to be a caregiver for someone with dementia. It goes over all kinds of things that will give you perspective and tips. I used to work as a geriatric care manager, and once was hired because 86 year old Mother was getting evicted from Assisted Living because of her anger! Anger is a thing, with dementia. So reading the book might help.

Can you go with them to see their doctor? Can you ask her or him what might help with agitation and angry outbursts? You can fax questions to the doctor before the appointment, so your parents don't have to hear you say, Doc, is there something we can do about his ANGRY FRICKIN' OUTBURSTS.  There are medications which help. Seriously. 

As Astraea asked, are they in assisted living already so they don't have to worry about meals, or housekeeping?

Why won't your family help? What excuses are they using? Who says they get to cop out and leave it all to you? Let's counter their selfishness. Talk to me. To us.

It's easy to say, don't take their behavior personally, but at the same time, you don't have to put up with it either. What pisses your father off, or is it just everything?

Write more? 

Jane

[joycep568305]

Dear Jane,

Thank you for your kind words. My brother works out of state a lot, my one sister works and has little to no time and my 2nd sister no longer talks to us. So I'm the only one who seems to make time to help them. I'm disabled with seizures...my daughter is fighting for custody so u see, I'm on my own. 

My dad gets angry when you don't answer him fast enough, or don't agree with him. He gets mad so easily now, moms unable to find the right words to make a sentence at times and it causes dad to start yelling.

I have been reading a lot about Dementia, I don't know if its helping me or not.

Thank you again for responding.

Joyce

My hope is in God all day.

[JaneCares]

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@joycep568305 wrote:

Dear Jane,

Thank you for your kind words. My brother works out of state a lot, my one sister works and has little to no time and my 2nd sister no longer talks to us. So I'm the only one who seems to make time to help them. I'm disabled with seizures...my daughter is fighting for custody so u see, I'm on my own. 

My dad gets angry when you don't answer him fast enough, or don't agree with him. He gets mad so easily now, moms unable to find the right words to make a sentence at times and it causes dad to start yelling.

I have been reading a lot about Dementia, I don't know if its helping me or not.

Thank you again for responding.

Joyce

My hope is in God all day.

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So glad you wrote back! 

I'm just rattling off ideas, so as they say in AA, take what you like and leave the rest. A thought: if your other sibs (the ones you're talking to) don't have time to help, they can chip in some money, right? Getting an aide who is experienced and trained to work with people with dementia might be a real help. When i worked in hospice care (this social worker has been around the block), i remember case after case where the patient and/or family would object to a) a stranger in the house, usually African in Maryland where i was then, and b) spending any money. But then, Mildred or Solange or Patience would start working there, and so much would be better immediately. If you're not wanting to take on that battle (with your Dad in large part, right?) then money to buy a life alert button for your mom, or a cleaning service once a month, or something. Right? $100 total from all the sibs could really help.

Do you go to the doctor with your folks?  Your dad really needs some talking to, and not by his daughter, if possible. A doctor who has been forewarned that your dad is not understanding his wife's dementia MIGHT get a little education during a visit. And then there's his dementia. Menfolk are not raised to be emotionally intelligent nor caregivers, even though many men do an awe inspiring job. Your dad is frustrated, as are you. Can you reach out to the medical team that's caring for them?

What would help you cope, today? Next week? Do they have a long term care insurance policy? Is there a family lawyer who can look into what they are eligible for and the tax implications?

Keep writing us. It's a conversation. I used to be one of several caregivers for my mom and then my dad, and they are both dead now. My partner has multiple sclerosis although she is still very independent. Caregiving is one of my purposes in life, and trying to help other caregivers. all the best to you, really,

Jane

[EveRH]

@joycep568305 - I'm sorry you're going thru such a difficult experience with your parents, when both of them are affected by dementia! You didn't mention it, but if they both have symptoms, are they in a living situation that's safe for both of them .. with oversight & assistance available?

There was one word in your post, that caught my attention .. you mentioned being on the phone with them at night .. which might be the worse time for people with dementia. They're usually better mentally in the morning, and many suffer "sundown syndrome":

"Sundowning, or sundown syndrome, is a neurological phenomenon associated with increased confusion and restlessness in patients with delirium or some form of dementia. Most commonly associated with Alzheimer's disease, but also found in those with other forms of dementia, the term "sundowning" was coined due to the timing of the patient's confusion. For patients with sundowning syndrome, a multitude of behavioral problems begin to occur in the evening or while the sun is setting."

Although calling them earlier in the day won't change their disease, or their interactions at other times during the day, at least you may be able to communicate with them more productively, and without their night time behavior getting you so upset!