SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man...

A Miss...

A car....

A curve....

He kissed the Miss, and missed the curve.

Burma Shave

******************************************************************

"When everything is coming your way, You're in the wrong lane."

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                 REMEMBER THE VETERANS

It's the SOLDIER, not the reporter, that gives you freedom of the press.

It's the SOLDIER, not the poet, who gives you freedom of speech.

It's the SOLDIER, not the organizer who allows you to demonstrate.

It's the SOLDIER , who salutes the flag, whose coffin is draped with the flag, who allows the protestor to burn the flag....!!

Thank you to all the SOLDIERS and all their familes for all their sacrificies.   

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Ha

Last night I was talking to a young , good looking woman. She asked me if I like breasts or legs....I told her what I REALLY liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome at KFC any more.

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Hal

Hi Hal ~

Hey, thanks for posting, even if it did show up twice....LOL   I'm hoping folks get a giggle or two even though they do not give any input. Once again, thanks for checking in.

Bonnie

[Hal]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

BONNIE:  I hope the Ole and Sven Joke I just posted doesn't come up double (twice).  It would be nice if it appeared at least once, though.  I attempted to copy-and-paste it but couldn't find it afterwards.  Even leaving the AARP site and coming back later, I was unable to find it.

BTW, Bonnie, your stick-to-it-ive-ness is admirable.  Please know at least Nell, Photogal and I keep an eye on what is posted here. 

[Hal]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven
is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
     One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

                                        DA END ISS NEAR!
                    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

     As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,  “Leave me
alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
     From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
     Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,  "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,
Bridge Out?”

-- 

[Hal]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven
is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
     One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

                                        DA END ISS NEAR!
                    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

     As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,  “Leave me
alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
     From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
     Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,  "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,
Bridge Out?”

-- 

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MY NEXT LIFE

By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way...

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until your too young to work.

You get ready for High School, drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then....

You spend the last 9 months floating  peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions..central heating, room service on tap, and then.................

you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.    

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Smilin' is infectious, you catch it like the flu...

When someone smiled at me today,

I started smilin' too !

I passed around a corner and someone saw my grin...

When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile, then realized its' worth..

A single smile just like mine could travel around the earth !

So if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected,...

Let's start an epidemic and get the world infected !    

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

One day God was looking down at the Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on...

He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it. When the angel returned he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth. 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God was not pleased, so He decided to e-mail the 5 % that were good because He wanted to encourage them and give them something to keep them going...

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Ok, I was just wondering...I didn't get one either.

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says:

Any day that relatives visit, is "turkey day."     

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                  WISDOM FROM GRANDPA

It's hard to understand how a cemetery raised it's burial rates and blamed it on the cost of living....

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A game warden was driving down the road, when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy "where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, " what turkey?" The game warden said, "The one you're carrying under your arm." The boy looked down and said, "Well, lookie here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed and whatever you do to that turkey I'm gonna' do to you!. If you break his legs, I'll break yours. If you break his wings, I'll break your arms. So what are you gonna do with him?"

"Gee," said the boy, "I guess I'll just kiss his a$$ and let him go." 

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by jwfdret

OMG !!!    Jack, how are you?   It's sure has been 'many moons" LOL Nice to see a post from you. Take it from me, the blurry photo is the best one I own !...LOL  Take care and keep in touch.

[jwfdret]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Jack here Bonnie after many moons. Long story..The drunker I sit here the longer I get and you better see a Dr. cause your face is very blurry.

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage at Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?" Pelosi replied, "I sincerely doubt that. Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bi---.  The crowd went wild.

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

        I like hores ---   lol

         

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A school teacher once a month has a 'sticker' day. She gives each child a sticker and asks them to write a story about it. On this day she gave a little boy a sticker with a horse on it, and his story is below..  As you can imagine he mispelled the word which changed the context of the story completely.

STICKER STORY       HORES

              I like hores. Hores have other hores frinds. Hores like carrots. You wouldn't think they coud, but they can put thir legs strait up. Hores make you feel good. My dad wants a hores but my mom says no. When I am 16 or 20 I will buy my own hores.

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Once upon a time there were two brothers...

a  good one  LMBO

       

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very misshape. always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch, but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy life. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in Heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in Heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that." the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." You can see him if you wish." God said. "I will give you power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, " I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely hell can not be that bad."

God explained, "Things are not always what they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it,. the blonde doesn't."

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

     Bonnie I hear you and I voted

           GET OUT AND VOTE!!!  

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 Maxine  say's I always start running in the fall...not all of me, just my nose."  

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often... and for the same reason..

                    GET OUT AND VOTE !!!

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says:

"I love a brisk fall breeze, especially when the leaves blow into the neighbors yard."

"Getting ready for the fall TV programs...any excuse for popcorn, beer, pop and cussin' "

"I just noticed some frost on my pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again."

"I always start running in the fall...not all of me, just my nose."    

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10!   

 Two men were talking... LMBO

    HAPPY HALLOWEEN  

          just-nell

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Two men were talking....

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having "pension Sex"

"Pension Sex, what's that?"

"Yeah, you know I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.."    

                      HAPPY HALLOWEEN             

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says......

"I could go on a hayride, or I could shove  sharp sticks down my pants....same difference.

"I use a leaf blower on my lawn, it's called 'the wind."

"I'm going south for the winter...actually some parts of me are headed there already! 

                                           

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

A cabbie picks up a nun...

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number one , you have to be single, and number two, you have to be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Ok" the nun says, "pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back into the cab, the driver starts crying....

"My dear child," says the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."  

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."   

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN:

       
 

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC1

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN:

10.   You get winded from knocking on the door..  

 9.    You have another kid chew the candy for you.   

 8.    You ask for high fiber candy. 

 7.     When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 

 6.    People say:   "Great Boris Karloff mask," and you're not wearing a mask.....

 5.    When the door opens you yell, "Trick or.. and you can't remember the rest.   

 4.    By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders....

 3.    You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 

 2.    You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.   

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick or Treating...

 1.    You have to keep going home to pee!

          HAPPY HALLOWEEN