AARP Hearing Center
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Laughing is the best medicine.....
unless you're laughing for no reason....
then you need the medicine. 
In Response to Picture of God by GdolJim
A young couple invited their elderly pastor to their home for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having..
"Goat", the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster, "I heard Dad say to Mom, "Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner." 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day....
Teach a person to use the internet, and they won't bother you for weeks. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang....
Answering , he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 70. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car...there's hundreds of them!" 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A REDNECK LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love, she planned to marry Joe...
She was so happy 'bout it all, she told her Pappy so..
Pappy told her "Susie gal, you'll have to find another...
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know..
But Joe is yo' half brother !"
So Susie put aside her Joe, and planned to marry Will...
But after telling Pappy this, he said "There's trouble still..."
"You can't marry Will, my gal.. and please don't tell yo' mother...
But Will and Joe and several mo I know, is yo' half brother."
But mama knew and said, "My child, just do what makes yo happy...
Marry Will or marry Joe...
You ain't no kin to Pappy ! "
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September to May... you live in Maine.
If someone in the home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there...you live in Maine.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time....you live in Maine.
If you've had a lengthy conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number....you live in Maine.
If you measure distance in hours.....you live in Maine.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once....you live in Maine.
If you have switiched from heat to a/c in the same day, and back again ....you live in Maine.
If you can drive 75 m.p.h. through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching....you live in Maine.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked....you live in Maine. 
JEFF FOXWORTHY
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A man said to his wife.."I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time!"
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow Jaundice for three years, before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill yet, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said," There is a man here who thinks he's invisible. " The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
A man came running into his office yelling, "Doctor, doctor! my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by
It's three days after Christmas, I'm crabby and I'm broke...
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake, I think I'm gonna croak !
It's nice to see the relatives, I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom, since early Christmas Eve !
They're eating everything in sight, and sleeping in my bed...
I been sacked out in the basement, with my Beagle Fred.
The relatives have all gone out, and left their screaming brats...
The toilet bowls plugged up, and I can't find the cats.
It's Christmas time at my house, the relatives are here..
They eat me out of house and home, and drink up all my beer.
I love the decorations, and the sleighbells in the snow..
But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go!
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog , a twenty pound rib roast..
His feet are sticking in the air, like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys....
They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys.
My mother-in-law is snoring, in my favorite TV chair....
Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling her hair.
I oughta wake her up, before the fireworks begin....
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly...
When they plug her in !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking out over the lawn and he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the manger...
He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The little boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
Out of the mouths of babes.......
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
A golfer accidentally over-turned his cart. Hearing the crash, a woman , who lived on the golf course came out and yelled "Are you okay? Come on up to the house and get some bandages." "No", he said. "My wife wouldn't like it."
"You're hurt! Come in, do you want a drink?"
"My wife would be very unhappy,"
"Nonsense! You need something." She started to remove her clothes......
"Wait ! My wife will be furious."
"Don't be silly, this will be better than anesthesia."
Afterwards he began to dress quickly. "Where are you running off too?"
"My wife is going to kill me."
"She'll never know. Where is she anyway?"
"Under the golf cart!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
When it's winter time in Maine..
And the gentle breezes blow..
About seventy miles and hour,
And it's fifty-two below..
You can tell you're in Maine
'cause the snow's up to your butt...
And you take a breath of winter air,
And your nose holes both freeze shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
SO is guess I'll hang around..
I could NEVER leave Maine
My feet are frozen to the ground ! 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit...which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered, so frustrated Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all of the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree...The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
PLEASE NOTE *
Christmas is cancelled . Apparently you told Santa you've been good this year.
He died laughing!
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
According to the Alaska Dept. of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl...
We should have known...ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red suit all around the world in one night and not get lost !
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
MAXINE'S CHRISTMAS WISH
"I wish a bright star would appear in the East over Washington, D.C.....
We could use a few wise men up there!"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Three Jewish ladies were sitting in a restaurant. The waiter walked up to their table and asked, "Is anything all right?"
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Christmas morning golf
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round...
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it. We'll figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and they met at the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me ! I bought my wife a diamond ring she can't take her eyes off it !"
The second guy said, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyelashes in brochures."
The third guy says," Well my wife is at home with her new sewing machine, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds..
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas..it's a great morning, intercourse of golfcourse?"
She said, "Don't forget your sweater."
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
Heaven has 20 new little angels today. may they rest in peace. 
In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
Your Christmas ornaments are made out of spent shot-gun shells.
Your family tree has no forks.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go Jiggle the handle".
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of kethup.
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