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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 431 of 2,648

Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband.

"Miss" for one hour, & "Stress" for the remaining 23 hours!

 

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman.

Before marriage and after marriage.

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

 

Husband throwing darts at his wife's photo.

And not even a single one hitting the target...

From another room wife called the husband:

"Honey what are you doing?"

Husband... "Missing you!". 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 432 of 2,648

If you ever feel useless.....

Just remember, some one

Is a life guard

At the Olympics swimming event..

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 433 of 2,648

GROUCHO MARX

 

Groucho's retort when his daughter was restricted access to a country club pool ( Jews were not allowed in most country clubs at that time ).

 

"But my daughter's only half Jewish . Can she go in up to her waist?"

 

 

 

 

JON LEVITZ

 

 

"To be funny, you have to suffer."   Jon is  a Jew, and his wife is a Catholic. He says:   " We're raising the children to be sad."

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 434 of 2,648

Just found out my local hairdresser got arrested for selling pot...

I've been going to her for four years now. I never realized she cut hair!  

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 435 of 2,648

By Jeff Foxworthy

 

 

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the irish, Italians,Polish, Hungarians, Chinese, French, the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc. but it's insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims? 

 

Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politicially incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims.

 

1.  If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.

 

2. If you own a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, you may be a Muslim.

 

3.  If you have more wives than teeth, you may be a Muslim.

 

4.  If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, you may be a Muslim.

 

5.  If you think vests come in two styles. Bullet-proof and suicide, you may be a Muslim. 

 

6.  If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, you may be a Muslim. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 436 of 2,648

A GOOD LAUGH,

AND A LONG SLEEP,

ARE THE TWO BEST CURES

FOR ANYTHING. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 437 of 2,648

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ..."Rabbi,"  something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said, "Yes." and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

 

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.  Smiley Frustrated

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 438 of 2,648

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear." he said, "Of course John," his wife said softly.

 

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob.

" But I thought you hated Bob." she said.

 

With his last breath John said,   " I do ! "

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 439 of 2,648

WHERE WILL YOU BE SITTING IN ETERNITY?

SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING?

 

CHURCH PARKING...

TRESPASSERS

WILL BE BAPTIZED

 

HOW DO WE MAKE HOLY WATER?

WE BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT!

 

EVERY DAY ABOVE GROUND

IS A GOOD ONE

 

ADAM BLAMED EVE

EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE

AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T 

HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

 

TRY OUR SUNDAYS

THEY ARE BETTER THAN

BASKIN-ROBBINS

 

ASPIRE TO INSPIRE

BEFORE YOU EXPIRE.

 

YOU ARE NOT TO BAD TO COME IN..

YOU ARE NOT TOO GOOD TO STAY OUT.

 

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 440 of 2,648

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere.. showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico. 

 

In the small town of Guadalupe, **bleep**. south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving.

 

As he loaded his stolen car with his stolen belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told reporters through an interpreter, "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal !"

 

The effects of the exsodus are being felt by Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

 

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits. Tattoo parlors are in absolute state of panic!

 

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

 

Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

 

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