SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

                                                   NEW ENGLAND GIRLS 

They can drive in any weatha. 8" of snow is nothin' They can cook a wicked good suppah, an if they have a opinion, you bet your **bleep** your gonna heahrit.

They can make a packy run, or pahty with the boys. They love the Pats, Sox, Bruins and Celts. 

People say they talk funny, but hey, theah's nothin' wrong with theah grammah.

Yep, New England Girls are wicked awesome ! 

[BonnieC10]

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel. 

[BonnieC10]

Don't make me use uppercase !

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

SHHHHH.. that's the sound of nobody caring what you think. 

[BonnieC10]

I don't know what your problem is...

But I bet it's hard to pronounce.

[BonnieC10]

SARAH PALIN.... The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick !

BARACK OBAMA.... Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period !

HILLARY CLINTON.... What difference does it make at this point? 

DICK CHENEY....  Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON... I did not cross the road with that chicken!

ALL GORE....   I invented the chicken.... and the road.

[BonnieC10]

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home I told him I loved him. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt.... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ! 

[BonnieC10]

Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?

It said, "Focus."

[BonnieC10]

A woman phones her blonde neighbor man and said:

"Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied:  "Well the joke's on all of you because my wife wasn't even home yesterday !" 

[BonnieC10]

Two blonde men find three grenades,

and they decide to take them to the police station.

One asked:  "What if one explodes before we get it there?"

The other says:   "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[BonnieC10]

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:

"Why do the scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies:

"If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat."

[BonnieC10]

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck." says the guard.

"I tried that" he replies,

"But then I can't breathe."

[BonnieC10]

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No!' he shouts,....

"This is her husband!"

[BonnieC10]

If you ever feel stupid...

I remember the time 

my twin brother forgot my Birthday... 

[BonnieC10]

Husband's message:

"Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Teena brought me to the hospital. They have been making tests and taking exrays. The blow to my head though strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wife's Message:

Who's Teena?

[BonnieC10]

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope

'DO NOT BEND'

He spends 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

[BonnieC10]

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:

"Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...

It's for dry hair, and I just wet mine."

[BonnieC10]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

[BonnieC10]

A Police officer called the Chief at the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here Sir. An old lady just shot her hubby for stepping on her just mopped floor. "

"Have you arrested the woman yet?"

"Not yet, the floor's still wet."

[BonnieC10]

Just got back from a pleasure trip...took my mother-in-law to the airport.

[BonnieC10]

She's been married so many times, she has rice marks on her face !

[BonnieC10]

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the Army. 

The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

[BonnieC10]

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water bed. My wife called it The Dead Sea.

[BonnieC10]

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.

Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

[BonnieC10]

When I read about the evils of drinking,.. I gave up reading.

[BonnieC10]

Those two are a fastidious couple.

She's fast and he's hideous.

[BonnieC10]

While playing golf today I hit two good balls..

I stepped on a rake..

[BonnieC10]

9.   There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I let her out.

[BonnieC10]

10.   Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays.

[BonnieC10]

You'll never plow a field

By turning it over

In your mind.....

[BonnieC10]

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

As the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store ( less a walk than a lumber)..

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my X-husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as only I can...

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man."

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick

I'll only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all and to all a good diet !