AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Re: Lost my Dad

JamesK979514 · ‎09-18-2025

I lost my Father last year and I miss him, but it is complicated. He was 88 years old and died from some kind of infection in a hospital. Unfortunately due to timing and distance I was not able to be there when it happened. It was the same with my mother as far as not being able to see here pass. I know that in his own way that my father loved me. He was a good provider and he took care of what needed to be taken care of. He taught me a lot of life lessons along the way. My dad was quite frugal so we did not go things like ball games, but we did go fishing and camping. I loved my father but we he was not one to show affection toward his children which I am pretty sure he got from his father who was somewhat more strict than my father was. He had anger issues apparently because his father did not show him much love. I know that I cant blame my father for being how he was because it was what his father showed him. He was kinder than my Grandfather. My father has 3 sisters and the oldest one once told me that even she to had to deal with my grandfather not showing love and compassion to his children. I loved my father but there was no hugging or praise or anything normal that you would expect from a parent to a child. It was very rare for him to say he was proud of any of us. My issue is trying to deal with his death and at the same time getting past how we were treated as children. Even my mother who showed some affection seemed like she at times was not happy having to deal with her children. So I am hoping someone will have some perspective on how to move on from my frustration with my parents now that the are both gone. One of my sisters passed when I was a teenager, she was 3 years old so she was gone a long time ago. My other sister is 4 years older than me and we have had a few discussions about our father and I now understand better that it was not much better for her than it was for me. Any feedback on my situation would be appreciated. Thank you.

Winter2025VA · ‎09-18-2025

Dear James @JamesK979514 , I am so sorry for your loss.

I am copying our two AARP Experts on this post. Jane @JaneCares & Amy @agoyer have been a blessing for us all and will stop by when they can.

Luv,

Nicole. 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** JAMES

@JamesK979514 wrote:
I lost my Father last year and I miss him, but it is complicated. He was 88 years old and died from some kind of infection in a hospital. Unfortunately due to timing and distance I was not able to be there when it happened. It was the same with my mother as far as not being able to see here pass. I know that in his own way that my father loved me. He was a good provider and he took care of what needed to be taken care of. He taught me a lot of life lessons along the way. My dad was quite frugal so we did not go things like ball games, but we did go fishing and camping. I loved my father but we he was not one to show affection toward his children which I am pretty sure he got from his father who was somewhat more strict than my father was. He had anger issues apparently because his father did not show him much love. I know that I cant blame my father for being how he was because it was what his father showed him. He was kinder than my Grandfather. My father has 3 sisters and the oldest one once told me that even she to had to deal with my grandfather not showing love and compassion to his children. I loved my father but there was no hugging or praise or anything normal that you would expect from a parent to a child. It was very rare for him to say he was proud of any of us. My issue is trying to deal with his death and at the same time getting past how we were treated as children. Even my mother who showed some affection seemed like she at times was not happy having to deal with her children. So I am hoping someone will have some perspective on how to move on from my frustration with my parents now that the are both gone. One of my sisters passed when I was a teenager, she was 3 years old so she was gone a long time ago. My other sister is 4 years older than me and we have had a few discussions about our father and I now understand better that it was not much better for her than it was for me. Any feedback on my situation would be appreciated. Thank you.

Winter2025VA · ‎09-19-2025

Good Morning James @JamesK979514 !!!

I thought about a section of your post which I have "copied&pasted" below followed by my response.

➡️[*** COPY & PASTE. So I am hoping someone will have some perspective on how to move on from my frustration with my parents now that the are both gone. One of my sisters passed when I was a teenager, she was 3 years old so she was gone a long time ago. My other sister is 4 years older than me and we have had a few discussions about our father and I now understand better that it was not much better for her than it was for me. Any feedback on my situation would be appreciated. Thank you.

➡️[*** MY RESPONSE. With me at age 67, I am now this year 2025 "finally" able to UNDERSTAND my now "deceased" parents. While I DONOT think what they did was okay - I can now "move on" with my life as a PARENT MYSELF. My mom was hanging onto a man who DIDNOT luv her or me. My brother 7 years younger than me was his "project". Wanted a boy to carry on HIS FAMILY's name as he was the LAST boy of his line. I started counseling in July of this year 2025 (Medicare pays for monthly sessions). Between grieving, neighbor from hell above me [I live in a cute Studio Apt in the hills of Virginia] & missing my only child in Florida - I needed to redo my life. Maybe you can do the same. Not saying it will work for you & it has NOT been easy as I am old school = don't complain, do what needs to be done. But as I AGE = lost my SUPPORT [grandparents, aunts, uncles] of folks who luved me = I was grieving 24 hours, 7 days a week = NOT FAIR TO MY DAUGHTER. She now has 1 parent & with the time I have left, want to make sure I HELP HER on her journey. Also, I am ALWAYS here for you IF you want to stop by AGAIN. Lol, I am the "chatterbox" of our team.

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

Winter2025VA · ‎09-20-2025

Good Morning James @JamesK979514 !!! How are you today?

Luv,

Nicole. 🤗🤗🤗 (Grief Forum)

JamesK979514 · ‎09-22-2025

Hanging in there day by day. I believe that I had repressed some memories about my father which I have heard can be quite normal when you grow up felling like your not good enough as a child. More recently my sister reminded me that she was not treated much better than I was, so I don't feel as isolated knowing now how she felt growing up. I am working on understanding that I wasn't such a terrible child even though I did make mistakes growing up. I appreciate your response to me. Thank you.