AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - How to move foward after loss

jackiec0908 · ‎08-10-2026

Hello, my name is Jackie, and I live in Boise, Idaho, at least for now. I had been sharing a home with my daughter, her husband and their two children for about 10 years, until one day, her husband decided he wanted me to leave. We had not had any problems so I was rather shocked. A couple days later, he came home drunk and started yelling and screaming at me to leave, he didn't care about me, and all kinds of nastiness. All in front of the two children, ages 4 and 3. At that point, I knew I had to move out. I didn't want to, I was very close to my grandbabies, but I couldn't stay there. I found a small apartment about 20 minutes from where they live and now I hardly ever see my daughter and grandbabies. I'm having a very hard time adjusting and I don't really have anyone to talk to. My husband died 15 years ago. I have two daughters in Wisconsin and a son in Colorado, whom I talk to regularly, but they think I just need to "move on" and "get over it". Any advice would be appreciated.

agoyer · ‎08-10-2026

@jackiec0908 That sounds like a very sad, traumatic and hurtful experience. There is a lot of loss associated with this - loss of your stable environment, loss of your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren and so much more. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Where does your daughter stand on what happened?

If your son in law is experiencing alcohol use problems, perhaps that is to blame (I don't know - you just mentioned he came home drunk), and you can't solve that problem, only he can. Regardless, it sounds like you did the safest thing to move out on your own...

Have you been able to get counseling from a therapist/counselor? This kind of situation is so complicated and so many issues are involved, I think it could be very helpful to you. You can go through your health insurance or check online to find one.

If alcohol is part of the problem (again, I don't want to assume, but since you mentioned he came home drunk and his behavior was erratic), you might consider joining an Al Anon group - for families of people with alcohol use problems. You might find people there who can identify and can be very helpful and supportive. You can find one here: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

While you do need to move on with your life, you'll never "forget" this, and your feelings are real and valid. You deserve some help navigating through this time emotionally and practically. Have you considered moving closer to your other children? I know that would be hard since you'd see your grandchildren even less.

Wishing you all the best,

Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert

SereneSeagull · ‎08-10-2026

Hi, sorry that happened. You didn’t mention how your daughter handled all of this, just the son in law.

Sounds like unresolved issues he’s dealing with and it came to a head. One of the reasons why I don’t like it when people bottle up their feelings instead of discussing them rationally. Can lead to an unnecessary explosion of emotions on unsuspecting people.

Space and time may be the order of the day possibly. Take care of you first and foremost. Cannot change someone else, but can only change the way we react to it. So maybe all you can do at the moment is one day at a time, one step at a time and taking care of you and your needs and day to day stuff. Hopefully space and time will right things.