50 years

[gloveman48]

My wife passed on Feb. 17th this year and I seem to be not doing as well as I thought at this point.  When you spend 50 years with someone and all of a sudden you do not have them for support, to talk to, to give a back rub and a hug, where do you pick up from?

[vicki0516]

I am so sorry to hear of your lose, I know what you are going thru, I lost my husband in Sept 2017 and although it has been a while I still walk around the house and don't know what I am doing. Believe me it does get better but it will take a long time to pick up again. Hopefully you have family to talk to, I do not so it might take a little longer for me. My prayers are with you and it will get better you just have to take one day at a time.

[tm36081427]

HI...

If I read your post correctly, it's only been a couple of months since your wife passed away. It sounds like you're trying to rush things which will only add to your pain and confusion.

I've had a similar experience: my wife of nearly 40 years died about 8 years ago. We went through some difficult times before she died and, to be honest, it knocked the snot out of me. But this is about you, not me.

Trust in yourself.

 For the time being, you may have to be selfish and focus only on yourself.  Talking and interacting with others can be very helpful; just make sure your are taking care of yourself first and foremost. It will even out in the long run and true friends  will understand.

Be patient with yourself. There is no single solution to working one's way through grief. You'll have to go at your own pace and do what feels best for you. It took me about 5 months before I started to "see the light". Before that, I would sit in the dark at night and listen to music--night after night after night. Then I'd push myself through each day. I would usually duck away from my co-workers when I cried, but I didn't hold back the tears.

What turned me around was realizing I could not escape the pain and feelings of loss. I tried to avoid them but it didn't work. The pain and loss will be there until you face it head on. It will be painful. But in the long run, it will be less painful than trying to avoid or artificially lessen what you are going through.

And during the times when you doubt you'll ever be happy again, trust in yourself that you will. Time, patience and faith will all work in your favor if you let them.

Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Trust in yourself

[Epster]

Hi @gloveman48. I'm sorry for your loss.

I haven't been in your situation, though I can imagine the difficulty.

I have had the opportunity to radically change my life --a number of times, sometimes joyously seeking adventure, sometimes seeking fresh air after a tragedy-- so I'm actually pretty good at reboots. Here's what I think is the secret: set a goal (Finding new friends/community? Finding new habits and exchanging loneliness for productivity? Something else?).  Then each day take a step in that direction. Each day. 

I wish you healing and total peace.

Epster