AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - caregiving

gatospjs · ‎10-21-2018

My husband has always had a bad back from a industrial accident. now he is in wound care for injuring his feet. he is in constant pain. he is so frustrated and angry at being layed up, he has a short temper with me and there is no one else around. I just feel very alone and inable to cope sometimes. any suggestions . He hates taking pain killers and is afraid with the current policy changes he won't be able to get what he needs.

JaneCares · ‎10-28-2018

@gatospjs wrote:
My husband has always had a bad back from a industrial accident. now he is in wound care for injuring his feet. he is in constant pain. he is so frustrated and angry at being layed up, he has a short temper with me and there is no one else around. I just feel very alone and inable to cope sometimes. any suggestions . He hates taking pain killers and is afraid with the current policy changes he won't be able to get what he needs.

Hey there,

So glad you wrote. This kind of situation happens way more than people know, because caregivers don't talk about it with their neighbors, or even with family members when they call: "How is the hubby doing?" they might ask. "Well he's being a total jerk to be honest..." isn't likely to be the answer. Unless its your sister to whom you tell everything.

Lydia and Mark give you great advice here. Is he getting wound care in the hospital? Dressing changes, whirlpool, hyperbaric treatment? This foot business is probably also making his back pain worse. Perhaps some physical therapy would help his back pain and strengthen his stomach muscles and all the other parts of the body that support the back. And he can grumble at the nice young physically fit physical therapist instead of you. Just a thought.

Although home care would be awesome, insurance doesn't usually pay unless the referral for home care is made following at least 3 days of inpatient hospitalization. He has to be 'homebound' too, which is somewhat a matter of interpretation. You can try though. Doesn't hurt to ask.

It is a great idea to get folks outside of the two of you to visit him, distract him, do something to dilute the intensity of your partnership. It would be awesome if psychologists made home visits... in 30 years of social work practice in urban, suburban and rural parts of the USA, i've yet to meet one, but... perhaps counseling for YOU would be helpful. Since he doesn't sound like the 'i need some help with how bummed and cranky i feel' kind of guy. Although i could be (and hope) that I am wrong. But for you, it would be helpful to get some coaching on how to deal with him. Setting limits with how much verbal abuse you want to put up with. And also, how to love this unfortunate man: what would bring him joy, remind him that he will get better (at least his foot will), and there's still a way to enjoy his life during this trying period. It's a thought.

What do you think of all of our ideas? Please let us know. And thank you for writing!

Jane

gatospjs · ‎10-28-2018

Thanks for responding. your perceptions are right on. I did speak to my doc and got some mild ant anxiety med. It helps. Just knowing this is not unusual helps too. !

LydiaN586309 · ‎10-21-2018

@gatospjs wrote:
My husband has always had a bad back from a industrial accident. now he is in wound care for injuring his feet. he is in constant pain. he is so frustrated and angry at being layed up, he has a short temper with me and there is no one else around. I just feel very alone and inable to cope sometimes. any suggestions . He hates taking pain killers and is afraid with the current policy changes he won't be able to get what he needs.

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Dear p583218s,

First of all, call his doctor's office and see if they can assist you in getting him set up with a home health care team which would consist of a social worker, home nurse, nurses aides if needed to help with daily skill needs, physical therapy, and a psychologist to assist with his behaviors. If that doesn't get things going, you can contact your local Visiting Nurses Association and they should be able to help. Second, do you have any family (siblings, adult children, other realtives) that could help you with him or provide a buffer for you? Also, you might want to look into some Caregiver support group(s) in your area or even check with AARP to see if they have any suggestions in that area. Lastly, if all else fails (and I do mean if all else fails), you can always contact Adut Protective Services to see if they can assist in any way.

I provided care for my mother, aunts, and uncle for years at various times throughout my life. They are all gone now. But I was able to get some assistance here and there by the means I've suggested above. I know how hard it can be, taking care of a sick person who because of his or her illness, takes their frustration and anger out on you. But you need to take care of YOU while you're caring for him. Just don't be afraid to let others know what's going on and that you need help.

If you have any other questions or just want to vent, feel free to direct message me.

gatospjs · ‎10-28-2018

Thanks for feedback. It does help to know this situation is not unusual. I do not like to complain to others that know him. But I have spoken to my doc. He gave me a mild anti anxiety med and it does help!

MarkM679668 · ‎10-26-2018

Violent outburts or aggression are typical for old men in pain, sadly. I had a lot of trouble with my father, too so I tried to look for someone whose presence would calm him down. I was surprised that some caregivers are good at that. I would never think they'll be but I've seen some pretty dedicated people when we contacted this place: https://www.devotedhc.com He'll recover well, he just needs a lot of time and professional help. Book reading also helps. Maybe you should buy him a book in his favorite genre? I know my father likes pulp fiction and gets calmer when he reads.

gatospjs · ‎10-28-2018

Thanks for the thoughts. Hopefully when his feet heal up he'll be able to get back to his hobbies and distractions. TV is getting OLD ! Will see if reading may interest him.