You are OneBraveGirl!
Good morning. You've gotten some good advice already. I used to be a geriatric care manager, and helped my own parents and grandmother before they passed. I will offer some advice. I do hope you are practicing some self-care. I read your first post introducing yourself and you say you have no siblings 'per se', and you don't mention a spouse or coparent, but i hope your teen daughters have other adults who adore them and can give you a break. You are brave because you have to be, eh?
Well let's see. Money. So you have a contact at the place that manages your mother's money. It certainly would be nicer and fairer to your mom for you to have a conversation with her about her money, her spending, her probably cognitive decline which she may or may not recognize in herself or admit to even if she notices it. You'll be able to find out what she withdrew that money for and then right after that, armed with that knowledge, you can have a frank but very loving conversation. Does she want help managing her bills, the caregiver schedule, her desires for fun things perhaps? On a whim, if i were in a wheelchair all the time, i might fantasize about a walk in tub or a hot tub. Doesn't mean it would be a wise purchase.
She is lucky to have you as a daughter, btw. Claim that. Seriously.
Say she doesn't want to talk to you about it. You have several options. One is to line up two physicians who need to interview and assess your mother within 30 days of each other and sign paperwork to attest that she cannot safely manage her money. That task alone is onerous, and there's no guarantee that 2 docs will agree. Her neurologist and general practice doc? Does she have a geriatric psychiatrist? Sadly, or thankfully, we all have the right to make bad decisions... with our money or any other thing... but if you are over 60 and at risk for harming yourself, the State does take an interest and gives concerned loved ones the opportunity to take over. There's just an enormous amount of elder fraud in the world and so this must be done carefully. And watch out for any siblings per se or other relatives of hers who could sue you for fraud, and even when you're perfectly innocent, the hassle expense and time sink of this is to be avoided.
Wow that got ugly fast.
Let me reassure you. She will spend down and then will be eligible for Medicaid, and unless 45 disembowels the entire long term care financial system, she'll have coverage for nursing home care and MAYBE in home care paid for by Medicaid. The best way to look into the future with a crystal ball and plan ahead is by hiring an eldercare attorney. WITH HER MONEY. And get a sense of eligibility, tax repercussions, the worth of her property, all that. Lord have mercy. Attorneys who specialize in this area of practice are crucial to this journey for you AND your mom. Off load this task to him or her, and reduce your anxiety. DO NOT SPEND YOUR MONEY ON YOUR MOTHER. Seriously. You need your money for you and your kids. Each generation must take care of its own.
k?
One other idea, and then i'll shut up and let you respond with questions and let other group member pitch in too.
Consider hiring a geriatric care manager. There are several ways to do this. You can get a consultation, which is way cheaper than a lawyer, and get a thorough assessment. You'll then receive a plan, with links to resources, and a sense of what you might be missing. Care managers can help you plan ahead for nursing home care. She (i have yet to meet a male geriatric care manager) can keep track of your mother's aides, interview them, fire them, if you give her that power, monitor your mother's care. She can attend doctor appointments with her and take notes, follow up on med changes, do all that. Take on anything you want to delegate. With your mother's money. Your mother then has a professional advocate who knows long term care. It is well worth the money. Her money. So what if her funds are depleted more quickly. They will not last forever anyway, and you need the help.
Because you have 2 teenagers who need you right now, and you have a job. And a life? Friends, hobbies, a worship community? Exercise habits? I dunno, other things to do?
Okay i'll stop there brave one. please write back. and thanks for writing in the first place.
Jane
who's life partner has MS
