@os4776wrote:
My husband and I are caregivers for his mom, since his dad before he past away he ask him to watch over mother. But their are 7 siblings total. I made the very diffcult decision help my husband. So we moved into mom's house and thinking that the other siblings would help. Some did say they would help out and others wanted to put her in Senior home. Everyone wants to be in charge, mother put her son my husband as Durable Power of Attorney. Her adult children in the past 3 years, some call or come over to visit her a once a month some more months, for no more than 2 hours tops. Not all of them do theres one that just does not want to accept that we live here. I clean, cook, wash clothes and pay her bills, we take her to Dr appts. What I buy is out of our pocket, not his mothers. So when some come over to visit mom their want to make tea or coffee and look for something to eat. HOW can I tell these women that we live here maybe mom's house, but its our residence and has been for 3 years. To treat us with respect and that the house has our belongs too. To not come over thinking were going to serve them too. If they want coffee or tea to buy it and bring it with them. Is there a way to tell them its our house too. If no easy way I'll just have to tell them outright which I know will cause more conflict with them. I'm tired of their disrespect and slandering remarks they make. My husband knows this and he's stressing as he wants to stay with mom but not with sisters rude attitude towards us both.
Hi there, daughter in law.
You've received excellent advice so far, and i'll add my 2 cents.
I agree with both Amy and Bronwyn that boundaries are necessary, that your husband AND mother in law can chime in with the other siblings and clarify what's going on as well as what's needed, and that your mother in law may want to be hostess when the siblings visit.
What worries me right off the bat is that you are paying things for her out of your marriage's pocket. Your husband has durable power of attorney for what exactly, health AND finances? Is there a will? In my own family, an aunt took care of both her parents for years in their home, and then inherited everything upon their deaths, with estranged relations with her own 4 siblings, who promptly took her to court. It was awful. I do hope that your husband's family does not break apart in this way, but between money and the burden of caregiving, resentment builds up, and you're already resentful after 3 years.
You should not be spending your money on things for your husband's mother. Rule #1 in my book: the elder pays for what is needed, because the caregiver needs their own money for their own long term care needs down the road. So, if there isn't enough money in MIL (mother in law's) assets or bank account, then its time to see what other options there are. Is there respite care? Are there stocks and bonds that can be liquidated? Have you and your husband (and your MIL if she is able) been to an elderlaw attorney to figure out how to make her assets last? And if her assets can't last her life expectancy, is she eligible for Medicaid? Medicaid would pay for medications, home care, and other benefits. Is she a veteran? Is Meals on Wheels possible? Have you checked out www.eldercare.gov to see what agency serves your area? There are free things that you 3 can be taking advantage of.
Regarding the 6 other children of your MIL, i do agree most strongly what Amy suggested: a family meeting. It can be around a holiday when you all would gather anyway: perhaps her birthday. After festivities, a conversation. And pissed-off-you should try to be as calm as possible. Your husband needs to know what your concerns are, long before a family meeting. Perhaps you should start there. Many menfolk are not reared to be the mediators and communicators in a family; the job falls to women. What is his point of view? Can you and your husband come to an agreement between you about 1. what is working about your arrangement 2. what is not working and 3. what are the next steps? Then have a family meeting?
You two need a break now and then, and having a sibling come to stay for a week or so would be awesome, wouldn't it? Or better yet, have MIL go stay at someone else's home for a week? Spring break is here for many schools: are there adolescent grand children who need to get to know their Meemaw? "Visiting" for 2 hours here and there is not good enough as you have pointed out. Coming over to help with the house, help with the grounds, take her to a movie, take her to get her hair done. You and your husband need to be really clear about what you want, and then disciplined and united in your requests of others to help.
You might be at least a little angry at your husband for this predicament, too. I would want to make sure your marriage is solid and you two are singing from the same sheet of music before you proceed forward with the other children of your MIL. You are an inlaw. It's a tough spot to be in sometimes.
Is any of this helpful? Please write back. As you read our responses, what do YOU want to tackle first? You are doing a very good deed by moving in and being involved and caring in this way. However, you do not need to sacrifice your own money and your marriage AND your own mental health in the process. Martyrdom is not required.
Write more?
Jane
